I've posted here before about my H possibly having an EA. He completely denied it. I then found more evidence. He admitted he had a friendship with an OW, but nothing ever happened. I took this extremely seriously and told him we were over if he doesn't change. <P>We went to marr. counselors, and a priest and spent the last 2 weeks significantly turning things around. Just 2 days ago, I found a secret e-mail account and the affair, every sordid detail, was revealed in letters from both of them.<P>When I thought it was an EA, he promised every day he didn't commun. w/her or vice verse. He told me he his committing his life to me to make this work and would never do anything to jeopardize our marr. I believed him. Now I discover it was all a lie. <P>I have told him to move out of the house, which he has agreed to. He is crying, begging on his knees to forgive him and let him start over again. He claims he will never do this again. He says the OW means nothing to him, but he did return her e-mails over the past 2 week reconcil. period. <P>The OW writes "I really thought you were the one. I can't stand the thought of you even touching your wife". She seems to be in love w/him--although she is supposedly living w/someone.<P>Luckily the OW lives in the UK and the comm. is exclusively through e-mail. Their 2 trysts occurred while she was in NY. One night was on my birthday. <P>He is only sleeping at a hotel. He has been home (took off from work) to be with the kids and to help me. I have been very sick over this and am 5 months pregant. While you're supposed to be gaining wt. while preg, I'm losing wt. c <P>I have 2 questions for those who have been through this.<BR>1. Can someone who I classify as a secretive, compulsive liar ever change? (He claims through tears he finally recognizes he has serious problems w/honesty and selfishness that must be addressed)<P>2. I really need his help --physically and emotionally-- in getting my health back for my unborn child and my 5 and 2 year olds. SHould I let him stay here?<P>I feel like if I don't make him stay on his own, he'll take advantage of me and go back to his old ways eventually.<P>I really want my marriage to work, but I don't know how I can ever be intimate with him again after the letters from the OW I've read. <P>Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Janet,<BR>I am so sorry that your life is so painful right now. To be pregnant and going through all this hell, I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. Let's take care of you first! I will pray for you, for God to send you someone reliable to help you and your children. Ask for help from your friends and family, people you really do trust. And concentrate on your health. Get some rest, take your vitamins, eat properly, take some gentle walks, play with your children. And most of all, keep praying!<P>Now, about your H. What can you do to make him faithful to you, honest and trustworthy again? That's right, NOTHING. It's up to him to earn your trust back. If you need to lean on him for support, then ask him if he will help. If he says yes, then go ahead and let him help. The worst that could happen is that he won't come through. Think about what it is you specifically need from him. Monetary support, emotional support, back rubs, a babysitter, a driver to take you to the doctor or to the store? Do YOU need him to stay in your home with you? Ask him what it is he can provide without reservation. If anything, this can open up dialog between the two of you. Don't be demanding or threatening, let him give what he can, let him begin to successfully earn back your trust. When he sees that he really is capable of it, and that it doesn't have to be painful or difficult, then he is more apt to follow through.<P>People lie when they want to avoid the consequences of their actions. He is feeling tremendous guilt right now, and I would guess that the full brunt of his guilt hasn't even hit him yet. He's going to try to avoid that pain as much as possible. Your job is to not add fuel to that pain, God will take care of that. He's in charge of your H's spiritual/emotional growth, and yours as well. People can change, I know because I have. I was a liar. I was raised to be a liar. But I don't do it any longer. People change in the face of significant emotional events, otherwise known as trials. Your husband will change for the better, or decide to continue in his miserable state of lies. You have no control over that. You only have control over your results in the face of this trial.<P>I suggest you read two books that have helped me tremendously (We're only four months into recovery ourselves). The first is "The Blessings of Brokenness" by Charles Stanley. It helps you understand why God allows these trials to happen to us, and how He uses them for our growth and maturity. The second book is "The Art of Forgiving" by Lewis B. Smedes. It is a very practical guide to forgiveness, about whether or not we should forgive, why, and how to. Both are very valuable books.<P>A big hug for you, Janet. God's love surrounds you and protects you, always remember that.<P>JP

Janet,<BR>I too was pregnant when my husband had his affair. I suspected probably right from the beginning, but I didn't have any proof. It went on while he was out in the middle of the night throwing newspapers, and I have a small child so I couldn't just get out and go looking for proof. But I did find proof that he had taken her out for dinner when I was 7 months pregnant. He lied to me and said they were just friends. Our cell phone bill was outrageous as well. Anyway, it continued to go on even though he knew I was very suspicious, but I still didn't know that it was actually an affair. When my baby was about 2 wks old, I got a call from OW's H. He said he knew they were having an affair but he didn't have any proof either. I was furious and we talked about things that had happened that were suspicious. See when I found out they had gone out to dinner, she decided she better tell her H. But she told him a different reason for the dinner than what my H told me. So anyway I was even more suspicious after talking to him. Then about a week later OW's H called me again to let me know that she had moved out into an apartment. He told me where it was and said that I should keep a close eye on my H. I caught him at her apartment when my baby was a month old. He still denied it -said he was there to pick up paperwork! I went to talk to her and she told me the truth. I think she thought if I knew, that I would kick him out and she could have him. Wrong! I love my H dearly and, though he's hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before, I know he loves me and really wants to be with me. I know we can make our marriage work even though it's going to be very difficult at times. Sorry I've rambled so much but this is the only place I've been able to tell anyone about this. By the way, it's only been a month since D-Day. Here's my advice: it sounds to me like your H loves you very much. He screwed up and he admits that. But he knows he really wants to be with you. It's not going to be easy but I think you should let him stay. You need him with you to help with the children and to help you with your pregnancy and to help you deal with what has happened. You need to look at Plan A from what everybody here seems to be telling me. I have found that this whole thing consumes me - I think about it all the time. But I'm still on maternity leave. I almost think it will be better when I'm back at work and don't have time to think about it so much. But you have got to take care of yourself and your unborn baby. You need to pray a lot and just try to get your H to communicate. But don't push him even though you may want to. Try to let him tell you things in his own time. This is the hardest thing for me to do because I have found I want to know everything about it and I want to know now. I feel like if I knew things I could deal with it and get them behind me. However, my H hates talking about it, so I have to be very patient. It's wierd because they're the one who hurt us, but it feels like we're the one putting the pieces back together. But I keep in mind that he's having a very difficult time too with all the guilt and probably withdrawal as well. Hang in there. It will be worth it in the end when you're happy again and your marriage is even stronger and your family is in tact!

AS the betrayer......<P>NOpe, I wouldn't trust him. not for a very long, long, long, time. It is always easy to say "I am sooo sorry" and cry and all that jazz when you are first found out. But, as time goes by, your feelings are still in a turmoil and you really cannot be trusted to make even a little decision correctly. There was 2 years between my affairs(with the same man) and i thought i was over him and I thought i could be trusted. Well i proved to myself that i couldn't be....<P>As for being pregant this is soo hard . Is there anyone else that can give you support during this time? mom, dad? sister? It could be very dangerous to be with this man foryou and your unborn child. It would be so easy to get rightback into a "normal" marriage so soon. <P>He has a very long road to ride. Withdrawals, depression, emotional rollercoasters ect. do you really want the added stress? <P>Ofcourse this is all my opinions.<P>Good Luck\<BR>Mercy