Up until 12 months ago I had a wonderful husband who I had loved for 14 years. One day he didnt come home from a night out. He then said that he had to leave because he couldnt cope with our life anymore. He was going for 2 weeks to sort his head out.<P>He never came back!<P>He showed all the signs of having some sort of mental breakdown so I did not push him to tell me where he was living or allow me to contact him outside of work hours.<P>Since then he has seen our daughter (who he adored and had a very good relationship with) sporadically, mainly when I made him because I was working late or whatever. Many times he just never turned up or failed to phone when he had promised to. <P>Eventually in September I was at my whits end, holding down a full time job and taking all responsibility for our daughter with no help whatsoever ( I was still even paying his bills). I asked him if he would look after our daughter while I went away for the weekend with my cousin. He readily agreed.<P>When I returned my daughter told me that they had spent the weekend with 'Daddy's friend' and that they 'slept in the same bed'. This is how I found out that my husband had left me for another woman.<P>Since then he has told me that he has made a big mistake and that all he wanted to do was come home.<P>I have given up on us ever getting back together (you might think that this is wierd after 12 months of him living with another woman but he has constantly told me that he wanted to sort it out and come home)<P>However, I am getting increasingly concerned for my daughter. On New Years Day my husband and I went out and made a visitation schedule. He woudl see her every wednesday after school, Every Saturday (alternative days and evenings so that I could have some sort of social life) and that he woudl phoen her every morning before school so that she had some sort of regular contact. 5 days later he called me at work to say that he was going on holiday for two weeks that day (he hadnt mentioned this before). I then had to tell my daughter that he wasnt coming that weekend or for the next two. He finally contacted me three weeks later. <P>I was tempted to never allow him to see her again but I told him that our schedule was out the window but he could see her one night a week and when he gained some responsibility we would talk again. Since then he has seen her most weeks. Then he decided that he wouldnt be able to see her for three weeks because he had social engagements on the night that had been arranged and he wanted to go away for the weekend. My daughter and I had no say in this.<P>He has now had an operation and will be unable to see her for two weeks. He told her that he woudl send her an Email today and phone her tomorrow. He hasnt sent the Email. I am tired of seeing the look on her face when he lets her down. He never sees it.<P>So basically what do I do. I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father. He means a lot to her and I wouldnt have it any other way but I do not think that it is healthy for him to turn up or not whenever the whim takes him.<P>Is it better to be rejected once by your father or rejected every couple of weeks when he doesnt do what he has promised. What I dont get is that he doted on her, he woudl have done anything for her or me and now he seems to have totally lost touch with the feelings of his child.<P>Help!!

Dear Mazby:<P>I am so very sorry. My H has never had an affair, but my father did off and on all the years I was at home. My mother never left him. In some way, I am disgusted by my father. While growing up I wished that my mother would take us kids and just leave. <P>First off, I think you need to file for divorce - now - for your daughter's sake (and for your own.) This kid needs some closure, (perhaps you do too.)This man has gotten away with what he wants for a whole year - without regard to both you and your child. I know I should be saying that you need to work it out, etc. etc. with your H but honey, that child needs a strong mama - a woman who will stand up for her principles, a woman who will not be pushed around. <P>Maybe I'm just a jerk for not understanding his breakdown. Maybe he's simply going through a mid-life thing. That's all fine and dandy - but you have a child who looks to you, who sees how you react and if not for yourself stand up for what you need for that little girl.<P>I'm not an expert - my dad did this and now I have to overcome my past. But when a woman expresses her opinion, her disdain, her power that no man can ever disrespect her - her children grow up thinking that maybe - just maybe there are men out there who won't.<P>Sorry if I'm too harsh - this issue is close to my heart.<P>oak<P>