I have been married for over five yrs to W. We have two very young children. Trust and deception has seem to been an issue our whole marriage (on my husbands part). Which I have always forgiven and tried to grow and move on with my husband.<P>I was a homemaker until last August, and at that time my husband began staying at home. He spent alot of time on the internet reading dirty stories. He said he was looking for stories for us to read together. When I asked him to share, he said he could never find any good ones. The end of Oct. he began working again, and it stopped. Then after the first of the year he lost his job. We jointly decided at that time that it would be a good opportunity for him to be with our children and continue school full time and I would continue working until he finished (plus I attend school part time). <P>Recently he began playing cards online and then added a female to his friends list and they chat. At first I was unaware of anything except the card games. I found it frustrating to call home and the phone was busy all the time. I expressed my frustration with trying to reach him and my frustration that he should be with our two children (3 & 4 yrs), doing homework (has failed previous classes) or any other constructive thing. He has continued to be online and seems that he is on more now.<P>Any way one day I found a name on his friends list. I did not expect a female, I was upset because he denies being online all the time. He fails to share things and hides things. He said it was a lady he plays cards with her at times and just chats about the game and what not with her, and I had nothing to worry about. <P>One night I was checking e-mail it said no new messages. He quickly moved to a different internet page. I went back and view old messages. There was one from her, it said "if you get this make yourself avaliable to talk". He denied reading it earlier, but I said there is no way it has been opened.<P>We then argued...Then He said he loved me very much and would never cheat on me. I told him that I didn't like the dishonesty and I expressed my opinions that infedility is not just having a sexual affair. He then said he does not share things with me because I get Jealous. I explained that I don't get mad because i am jealous, but because he is not open and honest up front. <P>Through our five years of marriage he has never been opened and honest about incodences involving other women. Therefore has not given me an opportunity to be any thing but upset, when I find things out on my own. (and I always find out one way or another) <P>He expressed feelings that he doesn't like when I ask questions, such as who anybody is what he did or what he talked about. He said when he was a child he had to report everything to his parents and was not allowed to even play ball next door when his parents were not home. So he gets on the internet when I am at work or sleeping so I don't ask questions. <P>I am not questioning him or driling him in a mean way when I inquire. I am just curious what he is doing and what we do when were apart. Trying to make conversation. I just think that if we are a couple and best friends that we should share. I just want honesty and intimacy.<P>Not only am I upset because he was not up front and honest, but because he lied. He continues to be on internet and said he would be honest. Yet I come home tonight to find internet files deleted and another name added to friends list. Why do I look? Because I am scared of losing my husband and I have a bit distrust right now because of the deception. But I will not question him when he gets home from school tonight, I'll wait.<BR> I am so upset and feel this internet chat stuff is a form of emotional infedelity. He should be talking to me. He says he misses me through the week, yet on weekend he doesn't talk to me or do things with me. He gets on the stupid computer. In addition while hes online the kids are running around the house scattering toys everywhere, or watching to much TV.<P>

Welcome <B>sweet</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>At the beginning of the year... the "main" infidelity forum was divided into addition separate forums... <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>and a new ones being added as needed...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=35&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Pregnancy/Child</A>...when pregnancy/Other Children(OC) are introduced through affairs.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>...<BR>You are right that his time on the Internet if it has not yet started an Emotional Affair (EA)... it will... and that this <B>is</B> a form of infidelity!<P>Monitoring his activity on the PC is up to you...<BR>...many have regretted it (finding out too much information...<BR>...others can hold onto the information and use it for their understand of how to heal.<BR>There is "stealth" software that will capture keystrokes and some images if you need it!<P>You've identified a problem...<BR>...he has ignored it...<P>Is there any chance for counseling...<BR>...for both of you preferrably?<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<P>Keep posting here... and read the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>.<P> <P>Jim

<< I am so upset and feel this internet chat stuff is a form of emotional infedelity. He should be talking to me.>> <P>I would focus on the second part rather than any concerns about something that may or not grow into sexual infidelity, per se. I have spent time on-line for years now, and had a lot of female friends, and I would never dream of cheating on my wife. My wife and I have vastly differnet needs for intellectual stimulus, and she often does not have the energy or interest in some topics that I like to discuss. If I am chatting with a 70 year old grandma about presidential politics or some hobby, that does not directly threaten an affair, but it does point out that my wife may not be addressing my emotional need for conversation.<P>Find some common recreational activities. tell him his on-line time bothers you, and will he take a month off? Try to do it in a constructive way that will not make him defensive or recoil from your anger.<P>Good luck.

Sweet,<BR>I feel for you. I've gone through a similar situation as yours. My fiance started spending a lot of time in chat rooms about 3 years ago. I've always been a bit on the insecure side as my exwife had an affair with my best man (that's a whole other story). Anyway, I became suspicious of a her relationships with a few other men she developed relationships with online. She reassured me they were "just friends" but at the same time made sure I had no access to any of their communications. She began to spent less time in chat rooms and more time in private chats. Again, she assured me these men were "just friends". I became even more untrusting and eventually caught her in a lie about her online activities. I then decided if she was going to lie about it I would find the truth. Through some "detective work" I found her relationship with one man had developed into much more than a friendship. I found references to phone calls, intimate, and sexual talk, and more. When I confronted her with this, after the expected denial, she said it was just a game to her and he doesn't mean anything to her. Well, I feel very different. I feel it is an emotional affair when you share sexual and intimate talk with another man even if they are in another country. He did visit here once and planned another visit shortly. I don't think they met but I'm not sure. That was 5 months ago and we are still working on getting through this. The deception is the worst part. How can you trust again after all the deceit? I would urge you to find out exactly what he's doing asap. Don't believe a word he says either. The internet seems to foster this sort of thing. My counselor told me he sees about one relationship a week torn apart by internet related issues/affairs.<P>Sorry this is so long and rambling. I hope it helps. <p>[This message has been edited by steveoo (edited May 11, 2000).]

Sweet to some degree it sounds abit like my situation.<BR>I could sure use the support of some in similar situations.<P>My sitation is this:<P>I recieved a phone call from a man identifing himself as the ow husband. He asked if i was aware that his wife and my husband had met for coffee twice...i was not. This husband knew alot about my life, much more than I would ever share with some on over the internet or even a new real life friend. My dh admitted to going for coffee with this woman(and another woman twice about 1.5 yrs ago)He says that was it just coffee. He was satisfing his curiosity about who was at the other end of the computer. In my mind I think that if it was just curiosity that would have been satisfied the first visit. So to make a long story shorter...lol(laugh out loud) We talked I believed him and we tried to move on. In Jan I had opportunity to discover that he had a outside email address. I made him open it with me standing there. There was a set of pictures in it that he quickly and nonchalontly breezed over. Well I got the password to the email and went back in and discovered a message with the pictures.It said"wasnt sure if i should sent nice or sexy pictures and it was signed by a woman with ,as "luck"would have it the same name as the coffee lady. Well the flags went up and I phoned the other husband back and he is willing to meet and show me a pic of his wife.We are in the process of doing this now. Some family problems put the infidelity on back burner for awhile. This week i checked history and discovered that mydh is still going to chat rooms and adults sights. Our agreement was until our trust issues were resolved that was a no no. I am going to put a written contract out and should he fail to abide by it. For me my marriage will be over. I am so hoping to "catch"him being TRUSTWORTHY.<P>That is abit of my story. Even with that lenght there is more LOL<P>Any thoughts or opnions you have would be greatly apprciated<P>chubbles