Well, I just found out that my husband of almost 7 years cheated on me (he says he just kissed her). Needless to say I am devestated.<P>He works with the ow. I can't believe this is happening to me when I am 7.5 months pregnant. He says he hasn't been happy for several years. I wish he has told me before he moved me 1/2 way across the US. <P>I need some advice from anyone who has been in this situation. I don't know what to do. He left and is staying the night at his friends.<P>Has anyone let the Boss know of the affair? I don't think his boss would appreciate it very much.<P>I am very confused right now. Help!<BR><P>------------------<BR>NotSure2K

Welcome <B>NotSure2K</B>...<P>I know you've posted a couple of times before... but I'd like for you to see a post of general welcome I share with everyone... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>You really need to start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>It's very hard to do long distance...<BR>...but it can be done.<P>If you haven't gotten the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> yet... get it... and read it!<P>Is there any chance for you to start counseling with your H? Whether H wants to go or not... <B>you</B> should start. I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Do hold off telling his Boss...<BR>...it is a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>... and should be avoided in the early stages of discovery.<P>This is the most opportune time to work on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. After 4-8 months it is <B>extremely</B> hard to continue and results aren't as good.<P>Keep posting here!<P>I'll be praying for you too. <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 15, 2000).]

Hold on tight girl!<BR>apon initial discovery many, (if not MOST), betrayers lie about the extent of involvement. What a *shabby* thing to do huh? <BR>(My H's *story* changed a zillion times)!<BR>Looking back I wished I had told him immediately that, unless he told me the whole truth from the time of discovery that, "Wacko Woman" was comming to live with him, cause man!, niether of us liked HER very much <BR>I do know that if he had been honest about what went on and why, we may have had a very different *outcome* (We are divorced now).<BR>How did you find out about this *kiss*?<BR>Need more input...You'll have tons of support right here. Someones always *about* to talk through things,<BR>Hang in there!

He told me about the kiss last night. Then he left, and went to stay at his friends.<P>He came home this morning briefly. He told me he was not coming home right after work that he was going to talk to OW.<P>I was blown away by that. I know he wants to give her a heads up that I know. I guess at this point he cares more about her feelings than mine. <P>I know our marriage is over. I don't think I can go on knowing that he will be working with her, and if the Affair will still be continuing. I really feel that he really likes her.<P>Thank you for listening.<P>------------------<BR>NotSure2K

Hi there…<P> First, let me tell you how sorry I am for your pain. MB is a good place for you to be tho….lots of good info on the homepage (read thru the Basic Concepts and the Infidelity sections if you have not already)…lots of good posters to chat with.<P>Your story reminds me a bit of mine. Sometimes, a kiss is just a kiss, not the first part of a long, sordid story (not that a kiss isn't bad enough). It may be a while before you know…but let's just say your H did get too close emotionally to this woman, and kissed her, and is now truly shaken…this could actually be a wake-up call for both of you, and might even take you to a better marriage in the long run. This is kinda long, but if you are interested, I'll tell you my story.<P>The difference between your story (so far) and mine is that I was not pregnant. That is, in itself, a stressor on marriage (we had several other stressors going on). Take a marriage that could stand some improvement, and add stress, and weird things happen.<P>Here's my story, in short form:<P>12/27 H wants to leave. Cares about me, but not "in-love". Hasn't been happy for years (?), doesn't think we'll ever be in-love again. Says no one else is involved. Next 2 weeks we talk a lot, he stays at home, we start working on figuring out what the problems are. He has already seen a counselor once (for job-related stress), asks me to see her (I do) and we go to a joint session together. He seems strangely defensive the whole time…didn't see any point in going back, thought we should just work on things by ourselves.<P>1/15 After much talking over the last few weeks, H tells me that the problem he has in really committing himself to working on marriage is that he is "in-love" with co-worker. Several months ago, he danced with her and kissed her at a convention, and told her he had a big crush on her. He has been very confused since then about what he wants, but knows he is not happy where he is. We talk lots more, and keep working on marriage, using MB principles and "Surviving an Affair" book. He has lots of days he really misses her (by joint agreement, they are avoiding each other at work, no more lunches, etc.). We try to have some fun time together every week (hard with 2 jobs, 2 kids, elderly parents, etc, but important) and support each other thru this hard time.<P>2/13 Lots of progress, starting to feel better, rebuilding feelings. Go away together for weekend. Good first day, lots of snuggling, talk, hope. Awful second day…he began to crash…missed her so much, had no hope again, cried in my arms about how he wanted to hold her, kiss her, etc. I am crushed. He is really struggling with his feelings for her and his feelings for me and desire to stay in marriage. He finally tells me if he could choose, he would choose to be "in-love" with me, and we agree to give it more time.<P>A few weeks after that, he began to tell me things were easier, he didn't have the same trouble he'd had with knowing she was in the same building, etc. Suddenly, lot's of "I love you's". He started individual therapy for the depression and stress that seemed to be a factor in all this. We are now doing very well…"in-love" with each other sometimes, and loving each other even in between those times. Still improving, still working, but very close emotionally.<P>Think about whether you think your H and your marriage are worth investing some time working on. If so, there's a good chance you can rebuild things…<P>Kathi <P>Oh, and FWIW, I'd leave the Boss out of it.<P>

NotSure2K,<P>I don't know if you are still following this thread, but I have been exactly where you stand. (found out when I was 6 months, it ws a PA with a coworker that had been going on for 7 months). I know that reading and thinking about the book Surviving an Affair saved my sanity and really helped me understand where ny husband was at emotionally. I also know that I felt extremely vulnerable while I was pregnant and it was invaluable for me to have someone I could lean on and process with - I hope that you have someone like this.<P>I also thought about telling the boss, but decided it would be a MAJOR Love Buster. <P>One piece of advice that I have it to not rush yourself or your H into any decision right away - both of you will expereince a rollercoaster of feelings. I STRONGLY believe that creating a safe place for my H to talk about what happended (or what he perceived happend) was very benefical to us both - at least I had some clue as to what was going on in his head and gave him an opportunity to process his feelings.<P>I agree with you about it being extremely difficult to deal with H working with OW - it is the bigget barrier that we have to working on our marriage.<P>Please take care of yourself and continue to post, we have much in common!<P>Duesoon (well,not anymore! son born 4/9!)

Hi Sweetie,<P>First of all BIG BIG HUGS. I know you're hurting so badly right now, especially when you think of your sweet little one you're carrying inside you. I feel for you from the bottom of my heart. I personnally know alot of what you're feeling right now. I don't know if you remember me but we have a similar situation. You replied to one of my post and I sent a new post to you on May 5 in General Questions. You can do a search to see that one if you want to.<P>I am SO sorry for what you have gone through. It is unbelievable what some people will do for their own selfish needs. I can relate to you on a lot of things. Our husbands kinda seem to be alot alike. My h too had a "friendship" with his secy./co-worker. We had been unhappy for a long time but I think he basically left me to pursue a thing with her. He obviously found out that her grass was not so green. He realized what a fool he had been and came running back before he lost the only real thing in his life (we have a wonderful home, a beautiful 1 yr. old son, horses, basically everything he and I ever wanted.) It goes to show you what people will stupidly risk and do when they get caught up in their own selfish desires. He has still not admitted any thing other than friendship but I know better. While we were separated I know that he spent time with her. I have no concrete proof that anything really happened so I haven't done anything about it. I guess I have kinda buried my head in the sand. We made an agreement when we got back together that it would be a fresh start and that our old marriage would be in the past. Just a recap to let you know my background. We are back together and going strong. <P>I do believe that you caught this early on just as I did and I do believe that there is hope for you and your husband. I think that he is obviously more honest than mine b/c he at least admitted something (though sad to say there is probably more to it than he said) I guess I am somewhat relieved that my husband felt guilty enough to at least leave home before he carried on with his affair. I wish I knew more about my h's affair. It always helps to know what you're up against. <BR>Soory, I do ramble alot.<P>One thing, the next time your h "stays with friends" I would make sure that I knew exactly where and who and what he was doing. You do need to take a stand and let him know that you will not put up with his relationship with this other woman. I pray to God that he wakes up and see's what a stupid mistake he is making. Why do some men (mind you not all men do this) turn into absolute idiots when their wive's are pregnant. Mine did that too. It seems like they alienate themselves at a time when they should be the closest to their wives. I don't get it. <P>Do you truly want to keep your marriage? I'm guessing that you do or you probably wouldn't be here. I can tell you that posting at this web site and implementing what I learned here has basically saved my marriage. I read all of Steve Harley's books and I realized that my not meeting my h's need for admiration had alot to do with our problems and caused his dissatisfaction to the point that he went outside our marriage to get his needs met. If saving your marriage is what you want don't give up. Search your soul. Is there anything that you and he could have done differenty before the affair started. Were you happy? <P>I am sorry this is so long but there is always so much to say. <P>I will pray for you. <P>Cindy<P>I hope that you have a support group that is close to you -family or friends? You need that physical and emotional support now. We are here to help you in any way we can

Thanks a million for your posts!<BR>Well, I did file for a Legal Separation and he was served yesterday. I think that was a turning point for both of us.<P>I also saw the OW yesterday and confronted her also. It made me feel so good. She confessed that she had a "crush" on my H. I let her have it with both barrells.<P>He stayed at his fathers last night, and I think that also helped him because his dad is going through a Nasty Divorce himself.<P>I want my marriage to work. I feel that we have so many obstacles to overcome. Like the work issue and exactly what this girl means to him. I still can't believe I am going through this while being pregnant. I breaks my heart. I went to my OB today and told him what was going on. I am pretty much unable to eat and losing weight. He isn't to concerned with the weight loss but has put me on medication.<P>It is really sad when you have a "Charlie Horse" in the middle of the night and you have to wake your daughter up to massage it when it should be my husband.<P>I am devasted. By the way I am due 10th of July.<P>Thank you all again for your support. It means the world to me.<P>------------------<BR>NotSure2K

Just hang in there as best as you can. Looks like your taking some serious action. I know how it feels to be pregnant and going through this. I'm in recovery and I'm almost 6 mos. pregnant. I lost almost all my preg. wt. and can't eat either, but please think of the baby's health. You've got to take care of yourself, your daughter and your baby-to-be. <P>Luckily, my H cut off all ties upon discovery and is focusing on getting things back on track -- and has helped me to focus on my own health. <P>Best of luck and try to stay healthy!

Hello everyone!<BR>WEll I found out all the "details" last night. My H and I sat down for the first time and really talked. It was very hard to get all the details of the affair. I do feel better in a sense that I was so right. We have agreed to go to counseling. It will be difficult knowing that they are together at work. I feel like in a way I know why he did it. It is hard but I can see it. I don't like the thought of visualizing the affair. <P>I really want to try and save my marriage. I know it won't be easy and we have alot of issues to discuss. I am so glad to have you all to write to. It is nice to hear from people that have gone through similar situations and can provide support.<P>I would like to hear from more of you that have been through this and how you begin to heal.<P>Thanks again for your interest.<P>------------------<BR>NotSure2K

I'm sorry for the spot you are in, the pain. But, I/m glad that you have things out in the open now. I;m assuming by your post that there was more to it (either physically or emotionally) than he'd initially told you. That is hard to hear, but the openness is good. The fact that he has agreed to go to counseling is good. <P>I know it hurts awfully, but there are a lot of good signs here!<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

Hi Kathi!<BR>Yes, I did find out all the sorted details!!!<BR>I do feel a kind of relief in a way. That may sound funny, but I knew I was right all along.<P>I just set up our first Marriage conseling appointment. It is a first step.<P>I just can't understand "why" he did what he did? I try to think of the reasons and that is very difficult.<P>I just never thought I would be going through this especially being 7.5 months pregnant.<P><P>------------------<BR>NotSure2K