Dear friends,<P>Just a few statistics before I start.<P> My age 35 (28 Feb 1965)<BR> W age 35 (16 Jul 1964)<BR> Married 7y (9 Oct 1993)<BR> Kids None (I have one kid from prev. marriage who lives whith her mother in another city - no tension)<BR> My Family Good relations<BR> W Family Good relations<BR> Finances Both average/good income (no financial stress)<BR> No previous affairs in our marriage nor in my previous marriage<BR> <BR>My story started on 8 April 2000. I walked past my W cellphone just as it beeped to notify a received text message. I looked and read the message "I am alone between 10 & 11", the phone has caller ID and I could see who it was from (OM). I scrolled down the other messages and read "thank you for yesterday", "I think about you", "one cent with your love is worth more than millions to me" The phone only stores that many messages.<P>I was in such a state of shock that when W walked in seconds after, I shoved the phone in her hand and demanded an explanation. She said that I got the wrong impression and that she had meant to discuss this "friendship" with me anyway as she felt our marriage was in trouble. She denied any sexual relation between her and OM and said that, as they work together sometimes, they started talking, having coffee, and discussing things other than work such as their respective marriages. They were now "soundboards" for each other.<P>At this point I was really furious and wanted to call OM to sort things out there and then. She calmed me and said I was overreacting so instead she called him and told him not to send any more messages. We had a long chat afterwards and she explained to me that we had drifted apart in our marriage. I actually realised that before, but didn't want to admit to myself that things were wrong.<P>Late that night I went through her diary and found more love notes written down in reverse script; "memories", "I miss you tonight", you are part of my future". When I confronted her with these, she scratched the notes out and admitted that they had special feelings for each other. She still denied sexual relations categorically.<P>We had long discussions of our marriage after all this and the reason she drifted away seemed to be my fault. I didn't appreciate her enough, took her for granted, not enough attention and TLC (she is very demanding when it comes to emotional support and TLC), didn't share in her interests, became remote, she felt lonely and that her love was wasted.<P>Having heard all these things, I realised they were all true!! I had to change to make her change. I am a very introverted person when it comes to emotions and although my feelings toward her were always that of love, I never or seldom displayed them practically and publicly. She on the other hand is the opposite. She loves to hug and cuddle and to talk to others about my good points. She needs to be told "I love you" every day. She needs constant verbal and other support to function at work and at home. She needs to go out and visit people. She thrives on attention and appreciation. I came terribly short on most of these needs and I realised that and started my big change straight away.<P>We decided it was not too late for us to make it work and we pledged our love for each other. I have never spoken to OM after my discovery, though I have met him once previously. I wrote a letter to him and explained my feelings asking him to consider our marriage and to respect our efforts to make it work. W undersigned and delivered the letter and reported back that he understands and respects our wishes. It's now going great and I have become a better person from this all, understanding her needs much better. Our emotional and physical contact is again what it was on our honeymoon and everything seems ideal.<P>My problem is that I lost trust in W. She still sees OM as they both work in sales and both travel to customers and suppliers. She admits this and doesn't think it is a problem. They phone each other virtually daily. (I sometimes check her cellphone records) She says that they mainly chat about business and that they confide in each other with personal problems too. She told me he has marriage problems as well but she treats that as confidential and doesn't want to tell me about them. I suggested to talk to his wife but she thinks I will be totally out of line and I will just cause unjustified suspicion. W also feels that if I talk to anyone about this issue that I will cause gossip and ugly rumours out of something totally innocent.<P>Where does this leave me? I started my own investigations into this (perceived) affair. She travels constantly for work so its almost impossible to pinpoint her movements. Nevertheless I followed her during the day. Staked out our house during office hours. Searched everywhere for clues of an affair. I came up with nothing. <P>Some nights I can't sleep and I lay and think up images of W and OM together. I picture them in bed. I picture them talking sweet things on the phone. Its driving me crazy. My work is suffering to such an extent that it has become noticeable to my colleagues. Now what should I do? Am I being totally paranoid? Should I talk to people, OM or maybe his wife? I'm afraid on the one hand of blowing this thing totally out of proportion and on the other hand I have these terrible doubts about W. I love her very much and don't want to lose her, but I need certainty. What should I do??

Welcome <B>Van</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You say..."She still sees OM as they both work in sales"... <B>this is a problem</B>...<P>You say..."...and doesn't think it is a problem."...<B>this is a problem</B>...<P>You say..."They phone each other virtually daily"...<B>this is a problem</B>...<P>You say..."they confide in each other with personal problems too"...<B>this is a REAL problem</B>...<P>You say..."She told me he(OM) has marriage problems as well"...<B>this is a problem</B>...<P>---------------------------------------------<P>"Now what should I do?"<BR>...this wowrking relationship has to be addressed<BR>...and the best solution is a change of job.<P>"Am I being totally paranoid?"<BR>...No... you are not!<P>"Should I talk to people, OM or maybe his wife?"<BR>...Generally this is not a good idea... as it is usually preceived as a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>.<P>What should I do??<BR>...a couple of concurrent activities<P>1. I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>2. Start discussing with your W a plan to develop a personalized <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>... I take it she thinks the marriage is OK... and is still willing to work on it!<P>3. Discuss with her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<BR>...and emphasize the "rule of honesty".<P>4. Of foremost importance... follow <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> to the max!<P>If your W balks at any of these...<BR>...you may have to make the assumption that the affair really is still inprogress. <BR>If she's willing to work on your marriage...<BR>...some creative solution to "working with the OM" has to be made (but a separation in the work environment is crucial)<P>Just some ideas... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited May 16, 2000).]

You are not being paranoid...you are experiencing the very real effects of the discovery of an affair.<P>It sounds as if your wife very cleverly managed to shift blame for her bad behavior to you.....big mistake! You both have responsibility for the problems in your marriage, but <B>she</B> is the only one responsible for this affair. To call it a "friendship" is to rationalize it....it is an affair whether they have had sex or not.<P>One of your first steps needs to be counseling. It can be expensive, but it is well worth the investment in your future. You have many issues that need to be addressed.....and you should go to counseling whether your wife will go with you or not.<P>It is very dangerous for your wife to continuing in a close working relationship with this man. And I can't say strongly enough how wrong it is for them to have any type of relationship outside of work. Too many affairs are created out male/female friendships that are secret from spouses and conducted under the guise of helping out a troubled marriage. Your wife has no business being a sounding board for this man about his marriage.....that is something that needs to happen between he and <B>his</B> wife.<P>A couple of book suggestions.....After the Affair by Janis Spring and Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. The second is my personal favorite.....<P>Don't panic and don't give up. But don't waste any time getting an appointment with a qualified marriage and family therapist either.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

Thank you so much for the replies and advice. <P>It is good to know that I'm not the only one who has had this experience. My W has just left on an overseas trip with her mother so I have some time to free my mind and think on this matter some more. I guess the hardest part is dealing with my own negligence of our marriage. <P>Do you think I should re-address the (possibly ex) affair with her when she comes back? It's been 2 weeks since we last talked about OM. How should I approach it and what should I ask her?<P>Van