Thank you for welcoming me. It means all the more at a time when i feel so alone.<P>I guess I am looking for abit of advice from "online survivors"so to speak.<P>I am not very good with the computer so please bare with me as i learn the in and outs of the site.<P>I have a situation. Where my dh(affectionately changed from dear husband to defective husband) had met a woman for coffee twice. He met her on the internet. I have no concrete reason to believe that anything more happened. Other than her husband phoning me with the information and some concerns and pain of his own. And that all too familar new gut feeling. <P>I feel very odd in that I am having a hard time "accepting"this as a affair. I realize that because it came into real life, yes it is. Had I been informed of a coffee date with a friend it would not hold the same meaning for me. <P>Is anyone willing to share their feelings and experiences?? Did your husband/wife/yourself. Seem to spend alot of time on the computer late at night or when your were not home??<P>I have put a snooper program on the puter and taken it off. I have found history works just as well and my dh does not check to see if that is on like he had with the snooper(was a little uneducated as how to instal)<P>Could use a support team right now to help me move in this unwanted journey<P>Look forward to reading the suggested material..thank you Jim

Chubbles,<BR>My live-in Fiance had an EM with a guy from from another country. She says they never met but I do know he did visit our area at least once. They also talked on the phone. All was while I was at work, 30 miles away. It became a real problem for me when I read a log of one of their chats. I suspected something was going on and did some snooping to find out. She doesn't consider it an "affair", I do. I about died when I read the intimate conversation they shared. We are still working through it with the help of a counselor . The biggest issue for us right now is trust and privacy.<p>[This message has been edited by steveoo (edited May 17, 2000).]

Speaking from experience here, but from the other side of the coin. <P>Yes, I was online late at night, for long hours and often when my husband was not at home. The problem with internet stuff (e-mail and chatting) is that it is so easy to hide. Passwords (even if you know what you're trying to get to) can be dang near unbreakable, there is free e-mail all over the place so you might never get to the point of being able to even try to guess passwords, the evidence is just very hard to come by until and unless your mate subconsciously decides to leave it hanging around and/or you chance to discover it.<P>My husband was troubled by how much time I was spending online, but he did not really suspect me of anything 'bad' for a long time. When he did.... the problem is if the shock of what happened hadn't given me a major WAKE UP call, it would have been oh so easy to continue to hide hard evidence.<P>I wish I had good advice on how to instantly 'fix' this situation. For me, it took seeing utter disaster suddenly looming. Maybe for others, all it would take is a heart to heart talk about how bad it makes you feel.<P>As steveoo said, I think the biggest issue is trust and privacy. If my husband continued to be suspicious of me I wouldn't know how to convince him otherwise, since he and I both know that if I really wanted to, I could carry on these things from my work computer (and even home computer when he wasn't there), and he really wouldn't have any way to find out, if I was a good enough liar.<P>Maybe it would help to ask him to take some time off the computer and spend it with you; and find good ways to spend quality time together. In some ways online chatting can be an addiction - it is exciting, and strangely very easy to pour your heart out to a total stranger since you are really not risking anything there. I think once you break away from it for a while and start living in the 'real world' again, building real relationships with real people, it becomes less of a draw.<P>Ok, so now I'm rambling... I know I can't offer much comfort but I hope there is *some* help here.

Not trying to muddy the waters here, but a lot of online time doesn't ALWAYS mean an affair.<P>I have a very active online life. I have my own movie review web site and I have fiction posted online. I have a whole circle of friends that I know only through E-mail.<P>And most of my online activity takes place when my H is asleep. It's not because I'm having an affair, it's because I wait to go online until after he goes to bed because I want to spend his AWAKE time with him. It's out of consideration for him.<P>I have no secrets from him. I have offered to give him my E-mail passwords, he doesn't want them. My rule is "No ongoing correspondences with men." And I don't do chat rooms.<P>There are a few male boardies here who check in every now and then; I should probably cut them off as well.<P>But I'm very open with my online activities. The only thing I'm secretive about is....THIS BOARD. I've told him about my various E-mail folks (and some of them have some very odd stories). If it bothers him, he's not acting like it...BECAUSE IT DOESN'T INTERFERE WITH MY TIME WITH HIM.<P>And I have very strict rules. Only once did someone "come on to me" online, and I made it very clear that I was not interested, and suggested he come to this board for info on how to help his own marriage.<P>It's not the online time that's the problem, it's whether it's interfering with the marriage. My time with H comes FIRST.

Over a year ago my husbands online activity almost gave him the push to walk out of our marriage. He was corresponding with one female in particular, and not only did they have late night conversations that were very sexually explicit (complete with manual gratification) but he had set up plans to leave me and begin a real life relationship with her. He'd never even met her face to face.<P>Online activity isn't bad in itself, but it is very easy to get sucked in. I myself innocently conversed with a male on the internet and began to start feeling compassionately about him. I went through withdrawal when I walked away from the computer to concentrate on my marriage. I had never even set up a phone conversation with this man, nor did I ever tell him anything all that intimate about myself. There have been times when I've read or written back to people here that I have to remind myself not to get sucked in.<P>I think if you both understand the dangers and take extraordinary means to be honest and open about your activities then it is much easier to avoid the pull.