Hello<BR>My partner and I have been together for 17 years. We are not married but have always had a understanding that our comittment was lifelong. We have a very affectionate, deep connection. Sex has never been great though at the best infrequent and unimaginative. <P>We are from the UK but now live abroad in Singapore. Since being abroad (4 yrs) our life has been totally dominated by E's job. I gave up my job to move from the UK. The job was so intense and demanding it became the total focus of our lives. The first three years we did manage to do well in the job but the stress was enormous. I suffered from acute anxiety and depression. <P>The past year the job was terrible. E was having a very difficult time within the organisation and with his peers. He felt totally unvalued and respected even though he was working so hard. This culminated in December when he was fired with no notice or warning.<P>We have no children and have always been unclear of what to do about that. E, my partner, has always been clear that is what he wanted. I have never been sure and E would always say that if he could not have children with me then he didn't want children with anyone else so that was ok. Unfortunately we have never really spoken deeply about how we really feel about this issue and now I think we are paying the price.<P>Five days ago E told me he has met someone else who he wants to be with. He met her a couple of weeks after losing his job whilst I was out of the country. He says that he realised what he really wants from life is to be a father, to have a family etc. And he knows that we will never have that. Sadly I have come to the conclusion that it is now time for me to have a child. I have communicated this to E (before I knew of the affair) but he says that he just can't imagine it. His love for N (the other person) is so great. He sees her as his life partner. He sees her as the mother of his children. He says he does still love me and wants to look after me but as a 'sister' not a lover.<P>I know in my heart that together E and I could be wonderful parents if only he will open to the possibility. We are soulmates. Our connection is so deep.<P>I asked E that he reconsider. That he give us a chance to work things out. He says he really doesn't want to do that as he knows it will not work. I asked him to cease contact with N and to give at least 6 months to try, but he refuses. He just wants me to leave.<P>He now has agreed to come home but he says it is only out of a sense of guilt and duty. He knows it will not work and that I am to use this time to think about how to live my life without him. He cannot cease contact with N because he cares for her and wants to know how she is.<P>I really don't know what to do. I love E so much. Our life together has been so wonderful until recently. I desparately want us to have a family. To be together. Any advice really gratefully received.<BR>Thank you so much.

Welcome <B>ajsing</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>There have been a few people who have come here who were not married, or were engaged...<BR>...and they can (have been) helped.<P>It does make it problematic (somewhat) that you have not committed to be married... although I don't know the legal (common law marriage) ramifications in your situation...<P>The concepts of "Marriage Builders" can be extrapolated to refer to general "Relationship Building"...<BR>...and as such...<BR>...much of what this site offers <B>can</B> you.<P>A 17 year relation is very substantial...<BR>...and I can see why you'd want to continue it. A committed "marital" relationship, I believe, is what you are seeking. As such... you must first rebuild that "love" you once had first.<P>Following the MB principles...<BR>...you should start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>Much of this is covered well in the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... but, I don't know how readily it would be available to you?...<P>Just to start you off... from the book... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Plan A:</B> Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA) i.e.<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If "E" is back home...<BR>...it affords you the best chance to apply <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. If you two are separated... it becomes much harder!<P>Continued communications... especially in your situation... is a must.<P> <P>Do go throuogh the links on my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>!<BR>Keep on posting...<P> <P>Jim