I am desperate , I need some advice, some understanding from scientific<BR>people like myself whom I could believe...<BR>I suggest you already received such messages from people on the verge but<BR>if<BR>you would be so terrifically kind to respond i will be enourmously<BR>grateful<BR>and may be just may be it will help me if not save me...<BR>We are married 4, 5 years, two eastern europeans, i am 27, she is 28, lived<BR>initially<BR>in hostel , then she got postdoc in England and later very good<BR>job<BR>in europe, where we are now. She loved me much initially, for me she is<BR>always and now the best in the world. She made steadily her carrer ,<BR>became<BR>good profesional with rosy perspectives. Initially I was full of<BR>potential,<BR>was getting second education, trying to do PhD, after moving abroad it<BR>appeared i am not of interest for anybody, legal difficulties also, 2<BR>years<BR>of looking for job and occupation passed without results, i was not sure<BR>what i have to do , may be did too few efforts. always were hopes that<BR>soon<BR>something will come up but it never was up to now.<BR>she is very strong personality, selfdiciplined with big selfinfluence,<BR>very<BR>competitive (great in sport), may be authoritarian.<BR> we had some quite serious downs before, though never talked about divorce<BR>but she was very unsatisfied with my beahvior in big and in small, i was<BR>in<BR>defensive, external problems explained much for me, not for her.<BR>sometimes i<BR>>> was just stupid , posing to be hurt, like demanding more love from her.<BR>she<BR>>> told me sometiomes before that she is tired to make efforts to believe i<BR>>> love her and our marriage is alive.<BR>>> recently her situation even improoved, new contract, new car and so on.<BR>She<BR> works normally a lot, physically tired, we have had a little time to be<BR>together, often spent spare time separately, it was boring for her may be<BR>,<BR>i thought it is necessary to keep with job, i tried to help her , did<BR>more<BR>housekeeping then ususal, advised her everything. when we have<BR>visitors-her<BR>relatives and friends-i behaved not good, not polite as he asked, tried<BR>to<BR>protect her ,e.g., demanding to go early to sleep before working day. I<BR>thought if i could not do my carrer now i will concentrate on family to<BR>help<BR>her with everyday life. But something happened, something changed and she<BR> tells me that she realised now that she doesnt want to keep our family<BR>anymore, that she feels better because she doesn't need now to pretend<BR>that<BR> all is ok and persuade herself that i love her. She decided that i don't<BR>as<BR> i can't do what she wants and don't have job.<BR> she asked me to leave her for a couple of months to give her time to<BR>think<BR> about herself, that may be she will start miss me or feel uncomfortable<BR>alone and after this time may be will decide to continue with me.(Could<BR>it<BR>be true?!) But i don't have anything to go now, not money, not place, she<BR> doesn't care--"if you love me, and wnat to have a chance to live further<BR> with me --leave now, if not--then immediate divorce"<BR>i have alot of activities some hopes of new contacts, interviews,<BR>poosibilities to get something in near future , so i told her i can't<BR>loose<BR>it and tried to exoplain very detailed like never before what ai have ,<BR>what<BR>i hope for. She understood, though emotionally she wants me to leave, so<BR>immediate divorce didn't happened imediately--but i am afraid it is even<BR>worse--will i loose this chance after her being alone to start all again<BR>and<BR>live further together? i am trying to encrease now all my efforts to find<BR>job, use even some weird ways for it, hoping it will change radically her<BR>mond, but i have so big fear that it would not. I cannot imagine my life<BR> without her, i always thought how happy I am having her, she is first<BR>then<BR>me,my ralatives, my career and so on. she is so cold now, empty smile,<BR>she<BR>tells she feels very good and doesn't care about me.<BR>since then I have learned for sure, 100% true that she has now a<BR>lover and that fatal conversation between us was just after first week of<BR>affair. He is 10 years older, succesful professional, but married and with 3<BR>children(!!). I knew it from the letter she wrote to friend( she still<BR>doesn't tell me and i am pretending i don't have a clue), I want to<BR>translate parts of it to you here:<P>" ... i didn't tell to husband about the main thing but i told him what i<BR>felt during these years about his approach to life, people, me. i told him<BR>that he shouldn't require anything from me and wait for me but he should go<BR>to russia at least for 2 months in order me to understand what is happenning<BR>with me inside and whether it's possible to restore our relationships....<BR>that there are no love anymore, only a bit of gratitude and friendly<BR>feeling, that i wnat to divorce long time, that I am not so young to spend<BR>myself so easy and not so old to live with a man for things good in the<BR>past, but passed now. Simply it was like lightning and all became very<BR>easy....it happens so with me so seldom when i wait , wait for something but<BR>then suddenly bums, no regret, basta....<BR>So, and with that another man i have very good realtionships. I don't mind<BR>in this situation the role of independent lover, i am simply feeling very<BR>good from that fact that he exists somwhere, warm, good feeling. Also I like<BR>that don't owe anything to anybody in this situation. I only wait when he<BR>can meet me, then it's good, if not--also good. we are coming together to<BR>voleyball... then we ride to forest. I will go soon to conference to another<BR>country , he will join me for two days....we shall take car , shall go to<BR>lake... just good to think abot it. it's strange that there are no any<BR>regret or noncomfort from this foolish situatiom,--so many kids, and need to<BR>betray somebody.it is really so seldom happens in me that I will use it as i<BR>can. may be he will have free apartment in august and i will live ther , but<BR>then he will move abroad, actually perspectives are very strange, but i<BR>really don't mind....<BR>this is latinoamerican man, beautiful and funny, easy and avanturistic,<BR>clever but not pushing, experienced, accurate, good to people, kind and so<BR>on. i look to him like to picture, i like his face very much, strange , just<BR>face, but it means something. also it is very good that i don't need to care<BR>about anything and also i can't want anything in principle. i.e. there are<BR>no so drying desire to get something...."<P>It si so desperat for me to read it.... it all looks so terribly<BR>helpless--is it true? I know all affairs end, he probably wouldn't leave so<BR>big family--i want to use my chance to keep our family. She told me that she<BR>probably will not need family for yeras, will live with partners or alone,<BR>but i know she eventually wants good tradition family with kids, that is her<BR>background. I don't have proprietary feelings to my wife, i think i could<BR>forgive infedility, i am even a little bit happy that she feels so easy now.<BR>But in this situation if i will soon leave her alone --not alone, with<BR>him!--this separation i think could be very fatal--out of sight, out of<BR>mind--am I right? I have a reason to stay here, she could allow me to do<BR>this, but iam afraid she will think that all over again i don't do what she<BR>asks me to do. if i'll leave she will rememeber only bad things and<BR>disilusion about me and in the same time enjoing him. if i'll stay she could<BR>hate me. it seems both reasonbale--either to leave her alone right now<BR>temporarily, hoping for the end of affair, -or to stay here on mutually<BR>understandable grounds, trying to show her that i can do better,and only<BR>after may be to leave for a while. What is better, what do you think? There<BR>is it seems some time scope for affair--he should move abroad in semptember<BR>according to her words. is it a issue?<BR>Is there are any hope to improovement during affair? should i confront her,<BR>saying i know now about it? to confront lover? I am also afraid if she<BR>hersef will tell me one day about it, i can't imagine what to do ,how to<BR>react not to lose her?<BR>this story with asking me to leave is only a catch or really it is plausible<BR>that she will decide to continue with our family after that?<BR>I understood that i have now to concentrate on my own life, my own matters<BR>and in the same time i HAVE to do something in order not to lose her<BR>eventually. I would never forgive myself for not trying. Do i have any hope?<BR>is there any tactic, what are the traps and dangers?<BR>I am telling her that's right that old way of life can't continue anymore,<BR>that we have a chance to build new relationships without mistakes, that i am<BR>commited. I am trying to be open and honest but she is lissening me for<BR>while but then doesn't wnat to hear me, to talk about.<BR>She is reluctant to believe, she thinks may be i am trying just to cope with<BR>situation and then i will be with all unsatisfactory behaviour again. How to<BR>get her to at least to believe that it's possible ( am I afraidshe frimly<BR>decided that not), how to get her to belive in my love? or all this useless<BR>now?<BR>On other hand how to deal with her posible guilty feeling to me? just<BR>forgive or bargain for something?<P>Please excuse me again, i got to survive it all somehow. I am so grateful<BR>for youtr kindness and understanding, bless you God!!<BR>i wish all the best, all the luck

Welcome <B>dmdm</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>It's a big post...<BR>...next time, try to break in somewhat smaller pieces.<P>From what I understand you are still living with your W... don't move out!<P>Start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> as soon as possible.<P>Any separation from your W could hurt your chances at a "good" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Do not confront the lover(OM)!<P>Do not confront your W...<BR>...but expressing to her that you realize there are "problems in your marriage" should be brought up to her...<BR>...Do learn all you can about the MB concepts first!!!<P>There is a book that covers these concepts well... you may want to get it (if possible)... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>!<P>To start you off with the concepts that are important... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA) i.e.<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Praying for you... and your W!<P> <P>Jim