Found out a little over 3 weeks ago. Had to confront him with the info I had been gathering because he said he needed to move out for a couple of weeks to "think" so I let him know that I knew he was having an affair, her name, etc. He simply said, I'm not discussing it! Then, after talking he decided to stay and work on our marriage - yet he refuses to go to counseling, says he will read "Surviving an Affair" but of course he hasn't started. He says it is over but why is he still clearing his call lists on his cell phone? We have not made love for 3 months - my first clue that something was amiss, and he still won't touch me. I ask why and he says just relax, it will come in time - it is driving me crazy. Although, I first want him to get tested, something else he refuses to do. We have been married for almost 24 years - 2 teenage daughters who now think their dad was having an affair, because the OW has been calling our house and hanging up. I am so angry that she brought it to the attention of my children. Can I trust him that it is over? What to do now?<BR>D

Welcome <B>Annc</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Where to start...<BR>...start with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and start on it vigorously!<P>Just a reminder... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Your H is saying...<BR>"I'm not discussing it! Then, after talking he decided to stay and work on our marriage - yet he refuses to go to counseling"...<BR>...this could be a challenge.<BR>Maybe some input from family or friends might help him to reconsider...<BR><B>But</B> that doesn't mean you need to divulge all the gorey details to everyone you know!<P>If counseling is threatening to your H... maybe he'd consider a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Keep posting here for support!<BR>Reread <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<BR>Check out the forum member's posts in section <B>"Plan A"</B> on my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post.<P>I'm praying for you and your H... <BR>It may be a long journey!<P> <P>Jim

If your husband won't go to counseling with you, then go alone. You need someone objective to talk with and offer you guidance. I highly recommend looking for someone who is a qualified marriage and family therapist....and I prefer a Christian focus as well.<P>As for your children....if they are suspicious, then you may need to sit down with them and tell them the truth. This will be hard, but it may do more to help calm them than letting their imaginations run wild. You can tell them that you are committed to healing and restoring the marriage and that divorce is not something you want to consider. Our children were in 8th and 10th grades when my husband's affair happened and we were honest with them....there was no way we could not have been. They were hurt and disappointed but they saw us working to restore the marriage and I believe they have learned a very valuable lesson about life and love in that.<BR>Think about it and get some objective advice on it.<P>My favorite book on the restoration of marriage after an affair is Torn Asunder by Dave Carder....I believe it is the best one available. There is also some good information in After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring.<P>You are <B>very</B> early in this process. Don't make any decisions in haste or anger. Rest when you can and eat small meals to stay healthy. Your feelings of panic and confusion are very normal under the circumstances. Take things slowly and carefully despite what your husband may or may not be doing. I believe with all my heart in the power of prayer....I know that God heard my cries for help and rescued me. I also know that he orchestrated the revelation of the affair to save my marriage. <P>Regardless of what your husband chooses in the long run, you <B>can</B> heal.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

I know what you are going through. I just found out myself that my H was having an affair with his coworker. We have been married for 7 years together for 8. It blew me away. He did say he wanted to work things out and go to counseling. WE start next week. I am going to see another counseler for myself also. I need to know how to deal with alot of issues of the whole affair. I need to get healthy for myself and my children. I have 3 children, 14, 12, and 4 and one in the oven. Almost 8 months pregnant. It was a real kick to know my H was cheating on me while I am carrying his child... That is the part that I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive. He has put our family and myself through hell. My children know about the affair. My 12 year old (girl) was very pissed off at him. I told her she need to confront him with her feelings. She finally opened up and told him how he has hurt us and she will never be able to trust him again. I believe it was a start to her healing process. Best of luck to you and write back.<P>------------------<BR>NotSure2K

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice! My 2 girls, also 8th and 10th grade, do know and they are so hurt and very angry and do not want to be around their dad. They are mad at me for not kicking him out - called me weak,etc. I tried to remind them about unconditional love and the forgiveness of God...Feel like I am getting it from all sides. Took them to a counselor today and we agreed that I will have to give my husband a list of my "guidelines," i.e. read "Surviving an Affair," get tested, complete opennes and honesty in all communications, etc., and the one he has not agreed to - counseling!!! I am going out of town for a few days and will give him the agreement before I leave and ask him to decide whether he wants to commit to us, and that counseling is a must, especially for the sake of our children. I have agreed with my children and counselor that if he won't go to counseling, I must initiate Plan B and ask him to leave. I do not understand his refusal to seek help - I wonder if there is some sexual issue - he still will not touch me in bed - claims I am a drill sargeant and a snoop, last night, trying to throw blame back on me. He still doesn't get it - he committed adultery, why should I trust him? He brought this on. This is the most difficult things I have ever been through!! Part of me wants to call the OW, but I refuse to stoop to her level!!!! Praying a lot and appreciate all your words of encouragement. Let's keep in touch!<BR>Thanks, A

I realize you've read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<BR>...and that is very good...<P>..but before you jump with both feet into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<BR>...how about soe more time in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>?<P>The Harley's always talk about a good <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> lead way to a good <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>.<P>Three weeks seems like such a short time...<BR>...with him not seeing any changes...<BR>...in fact...<BR>...the "drill sargeant and snoop" thing may be reflective his view that you cannot change.<P>If you think the situation through...<BR>...maybe some more time in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> can help!<P>Check out some of my older posts on the topics...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<P> <P>Jim

dear Jim,<BR>Thank you for all your good advice. I just posted a new topic and I would appreciate your thoughts. I just don't know where to go from here - my H does not want to communicate - never has been strong in that department. I need to get him to talk to me. I have so many wild thoughts going through my head - now I am even wondering if he has done this before. And, how do I make sure he is "staying" because he loves me, not because he is afraid of people finding out what he did. I still wonder why he cannot get intimate...<BR>Thanks, A