i know i am putting myself in a position to where i will recieve plenty of feedback that will hurt. but the bottom line is that i am crying out for help.<P>i am having an affair. i met a man on-line over 2 years ago. we see one another once every 8 weeks...and other that we keep in touch thru e-mail, pager and phone. he lives 800 miles away. we are both married and with families.<P>this is an addiction i am fighting. this is the most devastating thing i have gone thru and i have tried and tried to sever the relationship. but the pain from that is unbearable. i've had thoughts of ending my life...and moments of such agaony and grief over this that i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. <P>and yet...i love him deeply and i long to be close with him. and the feeling is mutual.<BR>he would leave his wife and family for me...but i refuse to hurt that many people and would rather suffer 10fold. the time we spend together is what i would term as paradise and i have never known such joy <BR>.....just as i have never known such heartache. and i have never been so torn in my entire life. <P>my husband is a loving,wonderful man and we have been married for 19 years. but we don't connect as i do with this man...and never will. and yet i can never hurt him and will die before i let him find out...and i can't leave him either. i just don't love him like i should. <P>i have thought about seeing a therapist and starting on antidepressants in order to end my affair. i'm afraid of the questions this will raise to anyone who finds out....but something has to give here. this is taking years off of my life. the guilt...the constant longing...the pain...the secrets it's all taking it's toll on my emotional well-being. i've suffered several breakdowns...mostly when i have tried to cut myself off and end the relationship. <P> yet, i am not the victim here. if i suffer, it's thru the choices i have made. and i can only pray that those i love never find out. praying...there's another aspect i should mention. i have never prayed more in my entire life for anything...than i have about this. i've lost faith...it seems God doesn't hear me...or maybe this is just too strong. i know it's MY fight...and MY free will that have brought me into this situation. <BR>and the suffering isn't much different for my lover....only that his is in the form of panic attacks. <P>i don't know what i am trying to do here...other than hoping that there is someone out there who might understand and be able to offer me help and strength. <BR>sometimes i fear this will be the death of me. how do u let go of someone with whom <BR>u feel so incredibly bonded to? it's like when i die...even if i am destined for hell<BR>because of my adultery...if i can be with him wherever i go....i'll have what i need. not what my husband needs...not what my children need...but what i need. to be with him for all eternity....because we can't be together in this life without hurting so many people. <P> <P> <P> <P>

Hi Bree, and welcome.<P>First, I am so very sorry for your pain. You, however are doing some good things...refusing to escalate the affair, wondering about ways to break it off.<P>Do consider counseling and medication, if needed!!!<P>Ther is a lot of good info here. Have you read the info on Infidelity on the home page?<P>There are several other OPs who post here. And, most of us "betrayeds" will try to be supportive...I know how much pain my H went thru giving up his "addiction" to an OP, so I deeply sympathsize with you. <P>You can do it!!! And, while it is hard, you can rebuild your marriage, and make it deeper and sronger than ever..<P>Hugs to you--<P>Kathi

Here's the link to the Infidelity info on the home page, if you have not already been there...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html</A>

Welcome <B>bree</B>...<P>We need to realize in many instances (mine too) the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000008.html" TARGET=_blank>OP</A> is also our <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000008.html" TARGET=_blank>WS</A>.<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <BR>It is geared mostly to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000008.html" TARGET=_blank>FS</A>s and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000008.html" TARGET=_blank>WS</A>s... but applies to all!<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You've identified it is an addiction...<BR>...and that is good.<P>Don't worry about what other think...<BR>...conselling can help dramatically!<P>If it sounds reasonable to you...I would consider having a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>! It is dsicreet.<P>The issue of anti-dep medication can be important too. How about going for a "general check-up"... and work in the medication from there.<P>God as not abandoned you...<BR>...that's why we're here!<P>But all will be for naught... if you don't give up this man!!!<P>You have my prayers <P>Jim

"[QUOTE]Originally posted by bree:<BR>[B]i know i am putting myself in a position to where i will recieve plenty of feedback that will hurt. but the bottom line is that i am crying out for help."<P>What could anyone here possibly say that would hurt you more than you have hurt yourself? You are brave to come here and work on the problem.<P>You're involved in a relationship that makes it easy to idealize and romanticize the OM. You don't have time to get used to each other and take each other for granted. The secrecy contributes to the dangerousness and specialness. Nobody knows but the two of you in your magic world. If he does something impolite or thoughtless, it doesn't happen often enough to be truly disgusting, because 8 weeks go by before you see each other again. You forget the annoying habits and bad things. <P>"this is an addiction i am fighting. this is the most devastating thing i have gone thru and i have tried and tried to sever the relationship. but the pain from that is unbearable." Wisdom, clarity and insight here, girl. <P>"i've had thoughts of ending my life...and moments of such agaony and grief over this that i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy." Many of the people posting here can identify but aren't brave enough to tell how they planned to accomplish the ultimate sin. Allusions are made - that's all I will say. <P>Dear OP< It isn't truly a wish to die, it is a wish to stop the pain! The pain on either side (being the betrayer or the betrayed) is nearly unbearable. But when you get clearer, think of this: The woman on the raft who fled Cuba, the other passengers - they all fought so hard to live one more minute, to NOT die. The innocent lady in Colombia who wore the bomb around her neck, would you trade with her? The condemned man waiting his turn to hang by the neck until dead, he would do Anything to buy another hour. The AIDS patient, at the end of his rope, or the cancer patient, unable to swallow her own saliva and depending upon a nurse to swab out her mouth of the phlegm so that she can breathe - she would be so grateful for another day, even with the heartbreak we are experiencing. <P>Life is so precious, and so uncertain, you don't really want to deny God's gift, reject it and throw it back in His face.<P> <P>"and yet...i love him deeply and i long to be close with him. and the feeling is mutual.<BR>he would leave his wife and family for me...but i refuse to hurt that many people and would rather suffer 10fold. the time we spend together is what i would term as paradise and i have never known such joy <BR>.....just as i have never known such heartache. and i have never been so torn in my entire life." I can't respond to this. I'm sorry it hurts so much.<P>"my husband is a loving,wonderful man and we have been married for 19 years. but we don't connect as i do with this man...and never will. and yet i can never hurt him and will die before i let him find out...and i can't leave him either. i just don't love him like i should. " Please find a good marriage counselor.<P>"i have thought about seeing a therapist and starting on antidepressants in order to end my affair. i'm afraid of the questions this will raise to anyone who finds out"<P>Who's going to find out? You talk confidentially, and tell the counselor or therapist not to write down what you say. And depression is a common problem. <P>You are praying, good for you. It may not seem apparent right now, but God is working on your life. Help Him every way possible.<P>Bless you and come back.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bellevue:<BR><B>"[QUOTE]Originally posted by bree:<BR>[B]i know i am putting myself in a position to where i will recieve plenty of feedback that will hurt. but the bottom line is that i am crying out for help."<P>What could anyone here possibly say that would hurt you more than you have hurt yourself? You are brave to come here and work on the problem.<P>You're involved in a relationship that makes it easy to idealize and romanticize the OM. You don't have time to get used to each other and take each other for granted. The secrecy contributes to the dangerousness and specialness. Nobody knows but the two of you in your magic world. If he does something impolite or thoughtless, it doesn't happen often enough to be truly disgusting, because 8 weeks go by before you see each other again. You forget the annoying habits and bad things. <P>"this is an addiction i am fighting. this is the most devastating thing i have gone thru and i have tried and tried to sever the relationship. but the pain from that is unbearable." <P>Wisdom, clarity and insight here, girl. <P>"i've had thoughts of ending my life...and moments of such agaony and grief over this that i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy." <P>Many of the people posting here can identify but aren't brave enough to tell how they planned to accomplish the ultimate sin. Allusions are made - that's all I will say. <P>Dear OP, It isn't truly a wish to die, it is a wish to stop the pain! The pain on either side (being the betrayer or the betrayed) is nearly unbearable. But when you get clearer, think of: <P>The woman on the raft who fled Cuba, the other passengers - they all fought so hard to live one more minute, to NOT die. The innocent lady in Colombia who wore the bomb around her neck, would you trade with her? The condemned man waiting his turn to hang by the neck until dead, he would do Anything to buy another hour. The AIDS patient, at the end of his rope, or the cancer patient, unable to swallow her own saliva and depending upon a nurse to swab out her mouth of the phlegm so that she can breathe - she would be so grateful for another day, even with the heartbreak we are experiencing. <P>Life is so precious, and so uncertain, you don't really want to deny God's gift, reject it and throw it back in His face.<BR> <BR>"and yet...i love him deeply and i long to be close with him. and the feeling is mutual.<BR>he would leave his wife and family for me...but i refuse to hurt that many people and would rather suffer 10fold. the time we spend together is what i would term as paradise and i have never known such joy <BR>.....just as i have never known such heartache. and i have never been so torn in my entire life." <P>I can't respond to this. I'm sorry it hurts so much.<P>"my husband is a loving,wonderful man and we have been married for 19 years. but we don't connect as i do with this man...and never will. and yet i can never hurt him and will die before i let him find out...and i can't leave him either. i just don't love him like i should. " <P>Please find a good marriage counselor. NSR's suggestion sounds good to me - Steve Harley. Discrete, confidential, and good principals.<P>"i have thought about seeing a therapist and starting on antidepressants in order to end my affair. i'm afraid of the questions this will raise to anyone who finds out"<P>Who's going to find out? You talk confidentially, and tell the counselor or therapist not to write down what you say. And depression is a common problem. <P>You are praying, good for you. It may not seem apparent right now, but God is working on your life. Help Him every way possible.<P>Bless you and come back.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

What you think is paradise is just a fantasy that would never be real. An affair is based on lies and deceit....not truth and reality. Your truth and reality is with your husband and children....and so is the path to happiness.<P>My husband prayed for a way out of his affair. God answered those prayers by leading him to leave proof where I could find it and help him end it....and that was truly the only answer God could give him - to end the affair once and for all. It was agony for both of us....but it was the best thing for both of us. It took my husband several months to admit that him leaving the proof was the right thing to happen....he couldn't believe God would answer his prayers in that way. But he now accepts and is grateful for the answer we got. He never looked back and never missed the ow....<P>It is possible that you <B>think</B> you aren't getting an answer to your prayers...but the answer is right in front of you. You must make the choice and end the affair. Ending it yourself and getting into counseling will make it less painful, but there is no painless way out of this mess. God is not a "fairy godfather" who will wave a magic wand and make everything okay. He will hold you and love you while you cry and He will travel the pathway to healing with you, but He won't just "fix" this.<P>Take the courageous first step....get into counseling no matter who asks what questions.....end the affair once and for all and tell the counselor everything.....let the counselor help you find a way to be honest with your husband....begin the path to healing and build a magnificent marriage with your husband.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

I am probably not going to help much as I just found out my H was having an affair. I hate the OW, and what she has done to my marriage and my family. I know she wasn't totally responsible, but she knew me and knew I was pregnant with our 4th child. They have agreed to not see each other, however, they work together. Like in your situation I don't know what the addiction is there. You really need to stop and think of what it is you are really wanting. You need to think of all the conseqences of what you are doing to yourself and others. I think couneling would be a good start for you. You need to learn how to deal with what feelings you are having. <P>------------------<BR>NotSure2K

Think about why you married your husband in the first place. You say you can never be close to him like you are with your lover, but how can you be when you are shutting him out of you life and your heart? End the affair and commit yourself to your husband. Get counseling. take a vacation together. try to remember what it was about him that you loved before life, kids, jobs, stress, mid-life fears and reckonings, came upon you both. <P>about telling him--there are many, many times i wish that my husband hadn't told me of his affair. I cried for 8 hours straight the first day, beat him and tried to strangle him, moaned and struggled for breath for 3 days, and still can't eat (six days). I know that he had to tell me to clear his conscience and to give us a new chance to be completely honest with eachother, but it hurts worse than anything I've ever know except the death of my 14 year old sister when I was 16. This actually feels very much like that. I'm still not sure that I'll take him back, but I am giving us a chance. I love him. <P>Think about your children. They will suffer no matter what you do, but If you divorce, they will suffer greatly. <P>good luck.

Hello Bree,<BR>I come from a slightly different situation. Although I consider my husband the Betrayer, I also feel that I have betrayed. You see we have been separated for 5+yrs. Seperation caused by his affair. In all this time I have not dated or even been interested in other men. Last year a man at work started to pursue me with great ferver. We had deep and true feelings for eachother, however I knew that while I was still married I could not continue in a relationship with someone else. <BR>It was the hardest thing I've ever done to end this with my friend. We tried several times to end it but he would always contact me and I would cave. Finally I just couldn't handle it anymore and I told him no more contact. That was 7 months ago. I still think of him daily. I have decided that my marriage is not viable and I have filed for divorce. I do not hope to restart with my friend. Too much pain. <P>What I can recommend is that you decide that you will have no contact with this OM and you stick to it. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU MISS HIM, DON'T DO IT. If he respects you then he will also not contact you. As soon as you make this decision, I suggest that you look into getting a good counselor and do not rule out anti-deps. They don't have the stigma attached to them that they used to and you won't need them forever. <P>If you are serious about saving your marriage you need to end your EMR now. If you want to really give your marriage a fighting chance you should tell your H about the OM. It won't be easy, but what I've realized is that most betrayed spouses don't just walk away. <P>Good luck to you.

Dear Brea <BR>My heart goes out to you...so much ..because i am in the same situation you are in.My love is so great I am "in love" with the om and love ..but not "in love" with my husband. the other man left his wife and insisted I leave my husband..When I refused...he picked up with anther woman.Now i am soo devasted.He still calls and says he will leave the new woman if I leave my husband ect ect...I have all kinds of pain...My true love wont cut it completely to keep me haning in.IM jealous of the om new girl...My husband found out is in pain but forgives me..I feel emptiness, guilt, sadness, jealous rage. regret .. WHAT I WANT to transfer the obssive addictive love i have for the OM onto my husband..i had this same love for my husband (an excellent man) at one time...can i get it back?

Dear Bree:<P>I just posted here for the first time on Friday (see general questions). I read your story. You spoke to me. I am an OW/OP too. I can very much relate to all of the feelings you are experiencing.<P>It will be one of the hardest things you ever have to do (in my experience, the telling of the whole story to your husband/family is harder) but you have to give up your OM to truly give your marriage a chance to work. If you don't, you're really only playing at recovery. I found this out the hard way. As long as the OM is in any way part of your life, I'm talking phone, email, cards, letters, anything, you cannot devote yourself fully to recovery. The OM will always be an "out" for you.<P>Use this board when the separation from the OM gets tough. It will get very tough! Good luck to you! Just try to get through one day at a time.

Dear Bree....<BR>My heart goes out to you. I totally understand your pain. I would encourage you to end it as well. I know, I've been there myself. I would be happy to correspond with you and tell you my story if you care to know you are not alone. Can I ask what anti depressants you are on? Signed, Wings...

Dear Bree, Jaynette and AStrongerMe....I wish we could all talk more. Seems we're all in the same place or have shared equal experiences. I don't have my email listed by would certainly like to keep up our links and encourage one another as we go through this together. Maybe one of us who is stronger and has survived the letting go can show us how it's done. Thank all of you for your honesty... I know we can survive our situations. "With God, all things are possible."

Why do you identify yourself as the OW first since you yourself are married? I did that too, but through counselling I became to realize that I was the betrayer and that the man I was with was the OP who was interfering in my marriage. By then the affair was over, and we were trying to rebuild, but it really helped to heal when shifting the view point as having the OM be recognized as the OP and not me.