Five days ago my husband of nine years, father of my 3 children, revealed to me that he had an affair with an old lover. They had sex twice when he was out of town on business and she flew to meet him where he was. The affair began by email and resulted in the planned infidelity. This is a warning to all--beware of the internet. It's power to facilitate the kind of communication that people wouldn't normally initiate and continue is great. My husband convinced himself that he was just catching up with an old friend, and the casual messages escalated into planned sex in a hotel room while I cared for our children 1000 miles away. <P>After the meeting, my husband claimed that he ended the relationship, but I found emails that show the affair continuing up to 4 days before he told me. the emails spoke of his pleasure in her body, his emotional connection to her, and his displeasure with me about many things. He told her that a sense of duty required him to return to his family, but that he didn't want her to feel rejected. He spoke of thinking of her, waiting for her emails, and calling her on the phone. when he was there he gave her an old shirt of his that she wanted (? I think this is claiming him for herself) and a small gift. <P>I am devastated and baffled. I love him with my whole heart. I am young and attractive and we have frequent, passionate sex. We have always spoken of marriage as a lifetime commitment in a Christian context and we go to church together each week. We had been under a great deal of stress with a failed adoption, and he had a mid-life crisis of sorts and blamed me for the failure, his unhappiness in his job and his life, and was angry with me for not being a "good enough" housewife (not Donna Reed) and not having a job to ease the financial burden. (our children are 2,4,and 8 years old and I feel I need to be home with them now)<P>He now claims he is sorry--a repentant sinner who has seen life without me and never wants to lose me and our life together. I want so much to have my life and my love back. I want to believe that he will never do it again, but i am terrified he will do this again someday. If I can't trust the one thing in my life that I always believed in, what can I trust. I feel like my whole world is coming to an end. I feel ugly, useless, fat, stupid, worthless, hopeless.<P>What do I do now? I believe that he is sincere in his feelings. I know he loves me and always has. How do I begin to let go of the hurt and trust him again. Should I take him back? Would I be a fool? I don't think I can go on without him.

Welcome <B>tressa</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P><B>What do I do now?</B>...<BR>Immediately start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. (Read the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>)<P><B>I believe that he is sincere in his feelings. I know he loves me and always has. How do I begin to let go of the hurt and trust him again?</B><BR>There may be aspects in your own life you may want to reflect on. Find out both your and your H's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... and realize there may be something missing on both sides. You may want to download the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A> and fill it out... and work on him joining you in some of these concepts. (Read the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>)<P><B>Should I take him back?</B>...<BR>Yes!<P><B>Would I be a fool?</B><BR>No!<P><B>I don't think I can go on without him.</B><BR>Then for your sake and his... "build" your marriage... (Read the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>)<P> <P>Jim

Hi Tressa!<BR> Jim (NSR) has already pointed you towards the best places to get started. <P>Let me just add a word of encouragement...yes, you can restore your marriage. You are actually starting ahead of many here, in that your H has broken off the relationship and wants to recover the marriage relationship. I know that's probably not a lot of comfort now, but it WILL make the recovery process a lot easier!<P>Believe it or not, if you and your H are willing to work at it, your marriage really can become better, deeper and more love-filled than ever.<P>There is a great community of folks here who will support you, whether you are up or down (oh, yeah, expect lots of ups and downs...we call it the rollercoaster ) and will listen when you need a shoulder.<P>Hugs--<P>Kathi