I am new here and wow, your stories are similar to mine. I have to get this all out so I hope you don't mind that this is going to be long. I welcome your comments.<P>I am still in disbelief that this has happened to me. I was married, divorced and reunited with ex-husband. The divorce never involved anyone, just drifting apart as a couple. Though I always knew in my heart that I loved him, I just didn't feel loved by him and thought that I was not meeting his expectations as a lifelong partner. It hurt to feel that, but that's what I felt at the time and I needed/wanted to be loved so badly. The divorce was my idea and he said it hurt him deeply to the core. I have always regretted my decision and was hoping to make it up to him when we reunited. <P>I went back to school to work on a Master's degree, but time for us as a couple was very limited and often it lacked the quality I wanted to give. I was just so exhausted with the research, classes, etc. Now I wished I had taken the time to schedule some quality time the way I made time to read books, etc. I'll never know if it would have made a difference though, huh? He was great in supporting me with housework, financially, and emotionally. I appreciated that he was making an effort to help me accomplish personal goals and making time for us. However, our problem solving and communication still needed work, I didn't feel it improved from the marriage. <P>I was finished with the degree and started a job that was quite demanding! In the beginning, I was putting in 9-10 hours daily and sometimes weekends, it really wiped me out. Again, very little quality time for us as a couple. But, I knew that once I got the hang of what I needed to do at work, all my time would be focused on the relationship. In fact, I had made several plans and had many ideas of things we could do together. I was looking forward to doing that!<P>He was upset about something, and said that it triggered his feelings of wanting to live by himself. He says he tried to do things on his own to make him feel the way he should feel in a relationship. This too hurt me, because I was not aware of his exact feelings, and if he shared this with me we could have faced it together and work on the relationship. Isn't that what it means to have a partnership? How on earth does a relationship work if only 1 person is aware of problems and only 1 person is working on it? <P>I had gone to counseling and asked if he would go. He said, "NO" but later changed his mind and went to one. But, I think he went just to appease me because he had no intention of working on the relationship. His idea of working on it was to move out, still do things together and continue to work on the relationship. Then later, he added to date me and possibility other women. I should've had a clue then, but I was so trusting. He never in our history together of 22 years gave me reason to doubt his words. Too trusting!<P>The break up involved another person, who I know involved herself knowing that ex-husband and I lived together and were having problems. I'm not saying that it is all her doing, as he is equally responsible. What hurts is that I always believed that he would always respect my feelings, relationship, and friendship; and be honest with me about these things. But, there was intentional deception and lies on both their parts. I could care less about the woman he is dating, but I expected more from my ex-husband. This is what hurts the deepest, I am now always wondering if he told the entire truth about the situation, when did the deception begin, how long has he known and been with her? The worse part is that she lives in our condo complex!! I feel like a fool because I also went to this person looking for help and just someone to talk to not knowing she was interested in him. She didn't even have the DECENCY to stop me from talking about our problems, instead she encouraged the discussion and extracted personal and sensitive information and updates of what my ex-husband and I were doing. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THIS? She is several years older than ex-husband and I, and so I felt confident that it was SAFE to open up to her. Had I known that he was seeing someone and that she was the one, I never would have gone to her. I am angry because I feel used, and later I found out that he was aware that I had gone to her and never said a thing. I don't know what she told him, but all of a sudden I was the bad person!! It really hurt that he defended her in this without even asking me for my side. Would he have believed me anyway, I don't know...<P>When I finally confronted him, he admitted to being interested and going on a couple of dates (truth, I don't know). I went numb in disbelief and then the most agonizing, torturous heartache overwhelmed me. I will never forget that feeling, in fact I am still feeling this! I made other conclusions about some strange events that was occuring and could only presume that it was connected to this person somehow because they occured at the same time. I became afraid for myself and he also had a couple of outburst of anger which he has never had with me before! I knew I couldn't live with his coming and goings and my heart being torn apart wondering if he is with her. I couldn't allow anymore disrespect of me continue. That was too much for me to take and although he was planning to move out anyway, I wanted him out of there sooner rather than later. <P>He is really a very nice person and one that I consider a good and decent human being, that's why I married him and loved him for so many years. But, this person today is different, his character and integrity has changed. I still love him, rather I love the man he used to be. One of his childhood friends told me that he also noticed a change in him for many months, maybe living in the city has changed him. But, how can a person's basic value system change so much? There's a part of me that believes the loving, caring, and compassionate person I fell in love with and still love is still there. <P>I do still love him even this 'less than' version. Is this unconditional love or am I being foolish? Although I don't like and respect the OW, I don't have thoughts of getting back at her. I believe what comes around goes around and she will get what is coming to her only worse. I know people who know her and her treatment of me is not uncommon behavior of her. Apparently she has done this to other people before. So, while she continues to hurt others, I won't stoop to her level. <P>HOW DO I GET THROUGH THIS?

Welcome <B>sdn</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P><B>"...But, how can a person's basic value system change so much?</B>...<BR>It's part of the <B>addiction</B> they develop in the affair.<P><B>...I do still love him even this 'less than' version. Is this unconditional love or am I being foolish?</B>...<BR>According to the MB principles... there is no "unconditional love"... but love that is built on fullfilling <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (read the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>)<P><B>HOW DO I GET THROUGH THIS?</B>...<BR>Get going on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... (read the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>) <P>You're not alone!<P>Do start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<P>Post, read, ask!<P> <P>Jim