I've known about the affair for one week. I am on the "rollercoaster" and even dreamed of strapping my children into one and screaming as they sped away.<P>I am feeling a very deep love for my H-deeper than I have in years. I also feel very attracted to him physically, and absolutely need to feel his attraction to me. I need to know he wants me and I need to claim his body back from the OW. <P>I also want to kill him and have hit,clawed, and bruised him all over. He takes it. He says he'll take anything if I can just love him again. <P>What do I do with this rage? I've never been violent before. And what about sex? We've made love six times in the past four days. Is it too soon? Should I try to hold something back? It's been so good for me to know that he is still attracted to me. It's not enough for him to say it. Is this possibly counterproductive? Help! I'm so confused.

tressa...<BR> If you feel like having sex with him, do so. My H and I had sex 14 times the first week we started making love again...so I know what you mean. And it is not counterproductive...it can be a way of reclaiming, and it can also be a way of communicating and bonding.<BR> As for the rage, that's normal too. I'd suggest you try and channel it constructively (I did a lot of digging in my garden, for example). <P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

hi,<BR>how long before you made love again - it has been over 3 months for us - I found out about the affair just a little over 3 weeks ago and he won't touch me - it is killing me..<BR>together, a

Two days. I demanded it. I needed to reclaim his body from HER. I needed to feel his desire for me and know that even though he had done such a vile, evil, cruel thing, that he still needed me and we could still be good together. I also wanted to do it then--during the tears we cried together, after all the apologies and promises. It helped me feel like, despite what he had done, we were still married, he was still mine. And I needed the comfort and affection. I also needed it to help fight my belief that I must be ugly and undesirable for him to go looking for it elsewhere. He has made me so insecure. I sometimes hate him as much as i love him.<P>He thought it was too soon and that I needed more time, but I told him I was claiming him as mine and, "everything we are and everything we have been to each other for eleven years cannot just end in a hotel room in Milwaukee. I will not allow it." <P>So, there you go. Sex was never a problem. the problem was that he is a perfectionist who hated himself for not living up to the impossible standards he set for himself and hated me for not being everything he thought I should be. He blamed me for every failure in his life, and I was so put down by then that I accepted the blame. <P>We have talked more honestly the past week than we have in years. He seems to have had a genuine change of heart. He confessed his sin before me to our minister and we are going to renew our vows. We are going to counseling. He completely broke it off with the OW (he is even admitting that she had faults now) and I wrote her an email that I'm pretty certain will keep her away for good. <P>This may sound strange, but I know he is a good and decent person inside still. Somewhere in there is the boy I married. So I keep yelling and crying and he keeps apologizing and crying. We are trying to talk through issues, and have done the emotional needs surveys. And we keep making love and it is wonderful.<P>Today for the first time I felt some optimism. He is camping in the backyard with our older kids right now. They had such fun singing and playing cards. <P>I hope that things improve for you too. <P>

Annc<BR> It varies a lot...for some people now in Recovery, it was days, for others months...I think one was 8 months. For us, it was about two months I think, but I still did not know about the OP...did not know why he was so withdrawn...only found out about his feelings for her (it was not a physical affair) after we had begun making love again.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

No one can tell you what timeline to follow. Just follow your heart.<P>When I found out about my H's affair with a friend of mine, I wanted to leave but I wouldn't because I didn't want him to have a chance to contact her. And he hasn't; it's been a year next week.<P>I also felt the overwhelming desire to make love to him. And we did....the next day...twice. And probably twice a day for the next 2 weeks. (I'm sure he's missing that!) As I said, it has been a year now and we have fallen into our usual routine lives now. (meaning maybe once a week...hey, I'm not a young bimbo!)<P>Anyway, do what your heart tells you to do. If you need to make love, do it. I knew all the details of their lovemaking and certain areas were too hard for me to handle because it would bring her to mind. But eventually all of this fades and it becomes easier.<BR>Hang in there...

Having been into this knowledge for three weeks now, I understand completely. I want to rage at and hit him and at one moment and the next moment I want to spend all day having sex. It's not really making love right now because the emotional feelings are too raw. He doesn't think I really want to have sex because while I was on the pill I really wasn't very interested in sex. Also, he doesn't understand how I could want to be intimate with him after what he did to me.<P>What he doesn't understand is that I do still love him. I do enjoy sex, and more than that, I need it right now. I need to know that he does still find me attractive, I need to know that I can fill that role that she filled for him for even only one night. As Dr. Harley says, the lover can't fill the role of the wife, but the wife can fill the role of the lover. I'm working on plan A. I am showing him the public affection he needs and being there for him to talk to. I am trying to show him that I admire him for everything the man that he is. This is difficult because of the affair, but I know that man I fell in love with is still there underneath all the guilt and shame. Hopefully, he will be able to find himself and find me again one day and we can get off this rollercoaser.<P>Good luck to you. If you can have sex with him for now do so. However, if the affair does not end, I agree with Dr. Harley that you may need to look at Plan B. For now, I would (and am) starting with Plan A and if it is sex he needs, then go for it. You may find that it helps you. I do still think about what he did with the OW, but not as much now as I did the first time and it gets a little less each time.

The affair was over before he told me about it. I am so sick though. I think about the long haul here--another 30-50 years with this man and I just don't know how I can do it knowing what he did. I am still young and attractive. I am so scared to grow old now. I never was before. And I am questioning every decision I ever made since I met him. They all seem to be so stupid. I am only 30 years old and I feel like my life is a mess I can never get out of .

tressa...<BR> I hear that. I wonder sometimes if I can rely on him for the long haul. However, trust comes a little at a time, and in rebuilding your relationship so that it is stronger and sturdier than ever. <BR> Hang in there--<P>Kathi

I totally understand what you're going through. I found out about a month ago. The sex is starting to lessen and now I am just angry all the time. I don't have that same I want to save my marriage attitude. I feel like a fool. I know I still love my husband but I am just so angry because he lied about the affair for about 3 months and she had to call and validate that what I was thinking was the truth. I need help! <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tressa stewart:<BR><B>The affair was over before he told me about it. I am so sick though. I think about the long haul here--another 30-50 years with this man and I just don't know how I can do it knowing what he did. I am still young and attractive. I am so scared to grow old now. I never was before. And I am questioning every decision I ever made since I met him. They all seem to be so stupid. I am only 30 years old and I feel like my life is a mess I can never get out of . </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Tressa,<P>As you know...<BR>...David has found his way to this forum...<P>As I told him...<BR>...you need to both sit down and discuss how to approach both of you posting here...<BR>...it has, in the past, occasionally caused problems...<P>First of all...<BR>...unless you agree to not reading each other's posts...<BR>...you can't use this as a "venting" grounds<BR>...that would make this site (for you and him) a poisonous <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>!<P>Secondly, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3903_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Rule of Honesty:</A> , which you work on in an ever improving marriage, will be put to the test...<P>{{{{{{Tressa}}}}},<BR>I really sense that David is back to stay with you...<BR>...and you've heard it here often enough...<BR>...<B>it takes time</B>... and <B>it takes two</B>!<P>I would love nothing better than to see the 2 of you on the "In Recovery" forum...ASAP...<BR>...but it may take some time and a lot of effort.<P>The <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A> of "I...have hit,clawed, and bruised him all over"... has to stop... please!<P>Do seek counselling on this...<BR>Anger management/forgiveness issues have to be really addressed here!<P>Some ideas...<BR>For <B>Anger Management</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com" TARGET=_blank>Anger & Stress Management Communication Skills for Marriages and Relationships in Conflict</A> and<BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0806509376" TARGET=_blank><B>Anger : How to Live With and Without It</B></A> by Albert Ellis <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1879237970" TARGET=_blank><B>Angry All the Time :</B> An Emergency Guide to Anger Control</A> by Ron Potter-Efron, Ronald T. Potter-Efron <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0800786467" TARGET=_blank><B>Getting the Best of Your Anger</B></A> by Les Carter <BR></OL><P><BR>and a lead into that...<BR><B>Forgiveness</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A> and <BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P>Your frustration is real...<BR>...but look at all you can gain once it is in control!<P> <P>Jim

I'll stop posting for a while. We had our first marriage counseling session today. I will let go of my rage if and when I am ready to. You are all very kind and well-meaning, but this is all too much for me to handle the "right" way.

Yes, you will let go of the rage if/when you are ready, and NOT before...it is like grief, no one can make it go away prematurely...you must go through it to get to the other side. But, for many of us, there IS another side...and I hope you can get there too in time.<P>Best wishes--<P>Kathi<P>