D-day was May 7, 2000. We were having problems with the decision to have children. I was ready, he wasn't. He started e-mailing an old HS friend and that lead to an emotional relationship. She lived in Italy, but she was visiting our neck of the woods to look at a new job. He asked if she could stay with us. I said yes. As the time approached, I changed my mind because I didn't want her here with the problems we were having. It just didn't feel right. She came anyway. I had no idea about the emotional relationship or I never would have allowed her in our house. H was planing to drive her to Lubbock (where their families live.) I was going to stay home. I decided to go with them. She ended up taking a flight. H and I talked for two days about things. I told him I loved him and suggested that we get counseling. He agreed. The next day, (Easter weekend)he decided to go to see his parents in Lubbock after all. He needed time "to be alone and think." He ended up staying in a hotel instead of at his parents house. He met up with OW and eventually ended up at his hotel room where things got physical.<P>The following two weeks were awfull. I knew something was wrong. He was not himself. I talked all the time and asked a ton of questions, but he kept withdrawing. Finally, I checked his e-mail and discovered a message from him to her. I confronted him and later that evening he told me he wanted a divorce. I told him I didn't. We talked some more. I read the "After the Affair" chapter in His Needs Her Needs. I continued to tell him I love him. He refused to give up contact with her although he told her that he felt they should just be friends. Finally I got mad. I never yelled, but I cried and asked him if he was trying to hurt me. I told him that I thought he must have planned the physical relationship since he worked it so I could not go to Lubbock that weekend. I told him that I understand how this happened, that I wanted to make things work, that I would forgive him if he would ask. He finally agreed to sever contact with OW because I told him how much that was hurting me. I told him they could never be "just friends" so as far as I was concerned he continued to prefer the affair over marriage.<P>Three weeks later and after one counseling session and a two week trip to Europe (had been planed for six months as a graduation gift to me) I suppose I am on the road to recovery. I don't know about H. I hold his hand and hug him and kiss him and have sex. He doesn't understand how I can look at him and not feel contempt. I told him it was because I loved him. He says he doesn't know how he feels about me. He cares about me, but he doesn't know if he loves me. He says he doesn't know what love is. He says he still wants a divorce and he wants to be on his own or with OW. He always runs from problems and I told him that was what he was doing now. He says he knows and that he hates himself for feeling that way. He has agreed to continue counseling because we promised before getting married that if one of us thought the marriage was in trouble we would get counseling. So he is honoring that committment.<P>The people at my work know because for one week I couldn't do anything without crying, so people eventually found out. I have to return to work tomorrow and listen to everyone tell me to just leave. I always thought I would be strong if H ever had an affair. I thought I could just walk out and continue my life. That is what everyone thinks. People who have not walked in those shoes have no idea what they are saying. My mother wants me to leave. My father wants us to try and work it out. I am so strong around H, but I am dying inside. I don't want him to know that this is tearing me apart. He knows I am hurting, but I don't want him to know how much. I feel so alone. I just need support and encouragement and prayers. <P>Sorry this is so long. I just needed to let it out. Thanks for listening.

My husband did exactly the same thing--emailing an old HS girlfriend and eventually planning sex with her in a hotel room. D-day was May 20. I wish we'd never gotten a computer. I think that there must be an epidemic of infidelity resulting from email and chat rooms. I share your pain. I hope things get better for you. Be glad you don't have any children yet. I have three small children and I don't think I could leave if I wanted to.

Welcome <B>Lapeine</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!<P>It's good that you got the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>... now consider getting <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>Do continue working in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! An early strong effort in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> can save you months and months of work!<P>You write that you're in counseling...<BR>...if it isn't working out...<BR>...consider a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>I'm praying for you. <P> <P>Jim

Lapeine,<P>My wife had the affair and as far as I'm concerned, staying and trying to work things out takes a lot more courage than running away from the problem. It's relatively easy to "blame" one party (him or yourself) and just chuck the whole thing. It takes a lot of strength and courage to face the issue head on and deal with it together. This is especially true in the beginning when you are the only one willing to try. If reconciliation is what you truly want, then prepare yourself for the "ride of your life". Follow the links NSR has posted and come here to post yourself whenever you feel the need.<P>We are all in this together and are all here for you.