Tressa Stewart, who posts on these pages, is my wife. Last month, I went through the darkest period of my life, which culminated in a disrupted adoption in our household. I withdrew and got more and more bitter and sorry for myself. I failed to reach out to Tressa when she tried to love me. I was bitter and full of pride and stuck on my self and my stupid disappointments. And I betrayed her and cheated on her.<BR> In the weeks afterward, I finally decided that I couldn't go on. I hated myself and thought about dying, about killing myself. I decided that doing that would be about as hateful and adolescent as what I'd already done. Our children need me too.<BR> I repented to God and poured the bitterness out of my soul. Then I went to Tressa and told her what happened. I told her that I loved her with my whole heart and that I hated what I had done and the bitterness that had poisoned my soul. I told her I would do anything from now on to make sure this evil abberration in my life was never repeated. I told her I had looked at life without her and that it was black nothingness and I hated it and went back to her -- that I believed our love had saved me, and that it could survive and outlast any sin or evil.<BR> I also told her that I would never give up, that I hated what I had done and would stand by her and take whatever comes to show her my love and repentance are real.<BR> Tressa has beaten on me and screamed in rage and moaned in pain. I cannot believe what I have done. Her moans cut right through me. I have always comforted her and sought to protect her, and now she is opened up to the worst thing that has ever happened, and IT IS ALL MY FAULT!<BR> I have spent my whole life trying to be good and doing my best. I did something horrible that I will remember and I will hate forever, and I put everything I love and value in danger.<BR> Tressa hates me. I will go through anything to show her my love. Could someone please help me so I can stand by her through her rage, when she tells me she'll never want me again? Could someone please help me know what to say or not to say so she can find some peace? I pray many times a day that she can be released from all of the pain and bitterness I brought to her, and that I can start slowly proving to her that that evil act is not who I am, and is not the man I want to be and will be for her and our children.

Hi David...<P> Welcome. You and Tressa will be Ok, if you can keep communicating openly and honestly..supporting each other...both of you are in a lot of pain right now, and that makes it hard to "see" a good outcome, but it is possible!!!<BR> <BR> Read a lot here...the Infidelity stuff on the homepage is good, and the posts here. By ending the affair and taking responsibility for your actions, you've already taken 2 giants steps in the right direction. Be loving, patient and never defensive. Start working on making sure your wife's emotional needs are met (and that is hard to do right now, as they are prone to shift wildly for a while). Hang in there, you CAN do it!!!<P>Kathi<P>

Welcome <B>David</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I sense your honesty and feel bad for you...<P>I've read Tressa's story too...<BR>...and her hurt seems to be overwhelming her.<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Her anger at you...<BR>...and the physical assaults has to come to an end. I'll reply to her posts as well in this regard.<P>The basic steps to take are to start on what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>Do read my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>... it has links to all the concepts...<BR>Then move into a full <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Borrow her copy of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<BR>...if she doesn't have one...<BR>...get it (library... bookstore... whatever)!<P>Until you get/read the book... here is a definition (with links to follow... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I sense...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A>... is an important need of Tressa. Make that a priority!<P>I'm praying for both of you...<BR>...it is a hard thing you've done...<BR>...in telling Tressa...<P>...but more than most others here...<BR>...your marriage is <B>very</B> much salvagable!<P>You are not alone...<BR>Tressa's not alone...<P>Stay here and post.<P>One word of warning...<BR>...come to an agreement with Tressa about posting here...<BR>...agree not to read each other's posts...<BR>...if there is <B>any</B> chance of it leading to arguments.<P>In time you will learn about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>...<BR>...and that will help too!<P> <P>Jim

David, I remember Tressa. She was the first person to respond to me when I first posted my story, see "Muddling Through". It seems that you and my H are very similiar in your forms of betrayal, i.e. e-mail to an old HS friend and then eventually having that turn into a PA. I hope that Tressa can come to the understanding that I have and I hope that my H can come to the understanding that you have. He is still in his own withdrawal world and not really ready to be open and honest with me. If I could get the reaction from him that you are giving on this board, I would feel so encouraged. You are doing the right thing and hopefully, eventually, Tressa will see it as well. You two have three beautiful children and I believe that you can work things out if you both want to.<P>Many times I wanted to beat my H, but I knew it would never end the way I wanted to. I wanted him to ound against his chest, have him grab my arms and pull me close and let me cry on his shoulder, and have him cry with me and tell me how sorry he is. I know him. He would have let me continue and then felt horrible himself and gone for a walk. I don't know about the two of you. If it happens again, it may help to do that.<P>Hang in there. Have courage. May God grant the two of you peace.

Welcome David,<P>It takes a lot of courage to "confess" in a public place like this. Us betrayed have been lnow to bite the heads off of a few betrayers every now and then. <P>The first BIG STEP tyou've already taken` is recognizing that what you did was wrong and are willing to prove it to all and make the changes in yourself needed to prove it to yourself too. The road ahead is very rough, but as Kathi said, keep the communications open and honest. NSR has posted may very helpful links for you to follow.<P>Remember, there's no guarantee of success but if you stay faithful in spirit as well as in flesh to God and Tressa, you will cetainly have the best chance possible.<P>Best of luck, and post as you feel comfortable doing.<P>

David,<BR>I also wish that my husband would be as open and honest with me as you have been with Tressa. I have read SAA and trying to avoid Love Busters - I have been loving and have not ranted and raved, but my husband will NOT talk about it - says he won't go backwards. He does not act very repentent, so I am feeling like I am trying and here he is the one who betrayed me!! It is so hard and so painful, and SO frustrating that he will not talk!! So, hang in there, at least you are talking and expressing your regrets.<BR>Annc

David,<BR> I can relate. I too was the WS. My H recently (see today's post) had a PA for revenge. Please be supoortive of youe W. She's extremely hurt, depressed, by your actions. Let her vent it out in words. It's not healthy for her to physically attack you, but if tempers flare too much, it'll do more harm than good. Sometimes writing is a lot more theraputic. My H wonders why I just write instead of saying what I feel. It's primarily because I have a very evil temper. When I write, I'm still for a few minutes and am less likely to doing something I'll regret later. Also pick up a copy os Surviving an Affair by Dr.H. It's a really good guide for rebuilding.<BR>God Bless<BR>Vee