I read the threads on forgiveness and woke up yesterday deciding that I had to forgive my husband. I called him at work and told him I loved him and that I forgave him but our marriage needed a lot of work. I asked him to please start to read the books I had ordered from this site and to seek counseling. He still continues to say that he needs counseling alone and not with me because the affair had nothing to do with me. He says that he doesn't know why he did it and balks at my mention of me not meeting his emotional needs or anything else I have learned from my readings or from the posts on this site. He keeps saying he hates himself for what he did and will spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I asked him today if he had made an appointment with a different therapist (remember he didn't like the other one) and he says he was too busy to do that. Tonight we went out to dinner as a family and spent time together watching a movie. I found that everything seemed almost normal. But surely as with every night now that everyone is asleep, I am deeply disturbed. I think he thinks that if he just continues to say all the right things that we should just go back to the way things were. He thanked me tonight for not bringing it up again...what does that mean? As long as I am quiet about it and we act like nothing ever happened this is supposed to go away? Am I supposed to push the counseling? I did in the beginning but I didn't want to make any LB comments. What should I do? I've told him over and over again and even by letter how I feel. I am crushed and heart broken and I really feel like he thinks in time this whole situation will somehow be forgotten. I need help

confused33,<P>Your H is in withdrawal from the OW...<BR>It is going to take some time... <P>Keep on Plan A-ing...<P>If he says he doesn't have the time to make an appointment... go ahead and make it for him (let him know that you would like to do it to help him keep to his "...and will spend the rest of his life making it up to me...")<P>Boy, I wish that all the Harley books were available on tape...<BR>...It would so much easier for some spouses to digest the information<BR>...(kind of at their own pace)<P>"He thanked me tonight for not bringing it up again...what does that mean?"...<BR>...it probably means a frequency you approach him may be turning them into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>...<BR>...you need to pace yourself too.<P>"As long as I am quiet about it and we act like nothing ever happened this is supposed to go away?"...<BR>...you still can express yourself honestly<BR>...check out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002262.html" TARGET=_blank>How to say my feelings without it being a LB</A>…..Lora/trustntruth…..4/10/2000<P>"Am I supposed to push the counseling?"...<BR>...encourage not push...<BR>How about counseling for you?<P>You sound like you're doing pretty good at NO <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A><BR>How are you doing on meeting his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>?...<P>Hang tough... <P>Prayers... <P>Jim

Hi confused33,<BR>I just decided to reply to yours because somethings sound similar to mine.<BR>I asked my H why? on the D-day. He didn't know. He apologized and said I've done nothing wrong, I have nothing to ashame of. I was actually a good mother and a good wife. He earned most of money and I had a part-time job just to get out of house once in a while. I stayed home whenever he's out playing valleyball w/friends, drinking after that. (The OW was in that damn valleyball thing.) I really didn't like him leaving me home all the time but I didn't complain because we had kids, and he provided what the family needed. He is good w/kids, helps me out a little around house. How could I complain? I just stuck all of my frustration into a big hole "because I'm a foreigner, I don't have my friends around, no fun for me here." And just because I'm not having any fun, that doesn't mean HE can't have any fun. I trusted him 100%, didn't even doubt a tiny little bit that he'd do something like that, FOR ONE YEAR!<P>Anyway, obviously he wasn't happy with this kind of life. Or he tried to think he was lucky too, and that's why he feels so guilty about the A. But he told me that this might be the (one of, I say) reason. The OW was (is) having a bad marriage. Whenever she talked about her bad husband, my H would give her advice, and made him feel good about himself. He could prove himself that he was a good father and husband. Almost laughable, isn't it? He says he has little confidence in himself. Something to do with his family, personal history. That's where I want to work with the therapist, but I don't know if HE wants to. Also after kids, I kind lost of interest in sex. But come to think of it, I tried to improve it a couple times before, he wouldn't talk about it w/me. So I gave up. Tried to think sex isn't so important, for either of us (Oh I was so wrong.) I gotta feeling that there are somethings he doesn't want to talk to me about, and I'm half afraid to know it, half craving to know it. We can talk until some point. And then he shuts me out. I don't know how far I should go into his mind. Just wait for him to open up? I don't know...<P>Sorry I tend to get very long. Thanks for reading it, if anybody ever reads it...

I read it alien and I truly understand. My husband is a golf fanatic. I never go along because I hate it. His job is very demanding and I take care of the kids, run to basketball, football practice etc. I never trusted him 100% just because I have to many girlfriends who have dealt with the same issues. I know the women he works with are very attracted to him. I can tell because of the way they act when I am around. This tramp he fooled around with used to work there. I call her a tramp because she is 21, unmarried with two kids and lives in the worst area around. Why would you risk everything you have for something like that? Sorry, I hate her because she knew he was married when they started whatever and her calls to my home to tell me all about my husband and her lets me know she's a very ignorant person. I think I may have felt better if it had been someone with a little more class...this makes me think he would screw around with anything. As you can probably tell...I'm very p'd off today. sorry. Yesterday, I felt better about our marriage but today I am mad as hell again. I know these emotions are normal but it seems as if this will never go away. Hope someone will respond.

Dear C33,<BR>Boy, I can relate to how you are feeling!!!!<BR>The OW is not attractive, from a rough part of town, been married for 14 years, 2 kids, and she has lots of email addresses!!! In one of her emails to my H she scolded him for being in a chat room saying that maybe he was not ready for her and still needed to explore, and that she stopped looking after she found him!!!! How do you trust someone like that?????? The way I found out was when she started calling our house asking for him and then hanging up - that's when I started looking for things and found plenty!! And, she also brought it to the attention of my 2 teenage daughters!!! I hate her for the hurt she has caused. Yet, my H refuses to go to counseling, to talk about it - in denial - if we ignore it , it will go away!!!!! Says he is tired of the rollercoaster - I am up, then down. Yet, how else are we supposed to feel????? Read my posts to get full picture... My H has not even been very apologetic or seems very remorseful...this is awful and I feel like he is trying to place the blame on me and make me feel bad. Every time I bring up counseling, he says he refuses to go backwards and talk about the past, and maybe there has been too much damage and we can't fix it...he is manipulating me to the hilt. So, I now wonder do I start Plan B and ask him to get out???? This is not fun, is it???<BR>Sincerely, Annc