I am new to this forum and would like advice<P>I have been married for 20 years and recently I suspected that my wife may have had an affair with a co worker.<P>It all began 3 months ago when I found that she had been hiding a mobile phone account that was very high.I asked her what was going on and she was very .Since then I have watched in the back ground and the things she was doing was very out of character. I confronted her on the issue of an affair and she told me not to be so stupid and that he was just a friend that she talks to about problems at work. I felt that she was not totally honest with me so I called him and we set up a meeting with him without my wifes knowledge. He also clamed there was nothing going on. I watched his body language and I felt that he was very uncomfortable, I thought that was because I was accusing him of an affair with my wife.As I left I felt that some of the answers he gave me were not accurate.He promised me that he would not say anything to my wife as I told him I felt very embrassed over having to ask the questions.I began to feel paranoid over the whole issue.One week later my wife told me they had talked and he had told her what I had said to him. She was very abusive to me because I went to him. I know that I should have not seen him but I felt that I was being lied to and I just had to know. Since then our relationship has gone from bad to worse.<BR>Two weeks ago she left to go and say at a girl friends home as she said she needed space and said that I was a control freak.<BR>I told her that I would not contact her until she felt comfortable to talk to me. I have been so stressed over the last months and could not take the sudden loss of contact and called her and recieved a very cold response.<P>I am trying to keep it together for the childrens sake but I feel I am so unhappy over the situation I dont know what to do.<P>I have seen a counsellor who has helped and has only confirmed in my thoughts that there was an affair and that my wife is not being honest to me.<P>The brief conversations we have had since, my wife told me that she has discovered herself and that she has planned goals for herself. <P>I have sent her flowers expressing my love.I have written letters telling her that I am willing to make changes that she wanted.Now my wife say's I am controlling and doesn't want anything to do with me. I am feeling very lonely and always feel upset over what has happened. I cannot focus on anything.<P>I am asking for some guidance as I feel our relationship is now beyond reconcillation

Welcome <B>timtam</B>...<P>You have come to the right place!<BR>I sorry for what you are going through...<BR>...you are <B>not</B> alone!<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>It is quite clear that your W is in an affair... and as such is in a very harmful form of addiction.<P>If you've missed other signs/words about the existence of the affair check out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.html" TARGET=_blank>50 signs your spouse is having an affair (All found on this board)</A>.<P>It is very good that you've seen a counselor!<P>Based on the MB principles (start off in my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>)...<P>...you have correctly started on, what we call, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... to try and save your marriage...<P>We make lots of reference to a book that is explains the foundations of the MB principles... and I would recommend you getting a copy...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>Until you do... directly from the book... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"I have sent her flowers expressing my love.I have written letters telling her that I am willing to make changes that she wanted."...<BR>...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> will give you a chance to not just <B>say</B> it... but <B>do</B> it!<P>"Now my wife say's I am controlling and doesn't want anything to do with me."...<BR>...this is very natural...<BR>...and common place immediately after D-day...<BR>...don't let this get you down<BR>...remember this is an addiction and much of what she is saying is due to the addiction.<P>"I am feeling very lonely and always feel upset over what has happened. I cannot focus on anything."...<BR>...<B>you are NOT alone</B>...<BR>...most everyone here knows this feeling<BR>...and want to help you through this!<P>"I am asking for some guidance as I feel our relationship is now beyond reconcillation"...<BR>...You're early in discovery<BR>...you have the <B>best</B> chance to make things better <B>NOW</B>...<BR>...there are no guarantees... this is life...<BR>...but your chances of saving your marriage are best if you work on it now.<P>Stay around...<BR>Post... read... reply... ask questions...<BR>...and do check out... my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>!<P> <P>Jim

My wife refuses to talk to me no matter how hard I try.<BR>To day she bought my youngest daughter home after the week end and ignormed me.<BR>I have left some of the information I have taken off MB with her girl friend shes staying with in the hope she will read them, except the ones dealing with infidelity<P>My only concern is that her girl friend has been through two previous divources and I feel that my wife may think that is the only way to solve our problem.<P>When I have sent her flowers in the past weeks she has thanked me for the thought after me asking if she received them. Should I persist with sending flowers or just wait. I would just like to ignore her just as she does to me.<P>I want to tell my eldest daughter who is a 20yo but she and her mother were very close before this. I feel that I may destroy the closeness they had if I tell her what I know.<BR>or do I just want revenge to destroy the closeness. My daughter has not asked any questions about us and I know that the both of us have become a lot more loving and thoughtful towards each other at present. I have intimated at the possibility of an affair and I dont want to push her into asking me the truth just because of the way I feel.My wife told me last week that she does not want anyone we know that we have separated. It seems to me that she is the contolling one.<BR>Thanks for the reply it does make me feel that someone is interrested in what I am going through.

"Should I persist with sending flowers or just wait?"...<BR>..if it is <B>not</B> a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>... keep it up. Your W will tell you (words/actions...) when something offends her... and those are the things to avoid!<P>As far a telling anyone...<BR>...postpone that as much as possible.<BR>...if you don't ...you make recovery much harder.<BR>...but there may come a time when it is unavoidable... don't rush it.<P>I hope you're doing all that reading I recommended...<P>Praying for you... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited June 04, 2000).]