O.K. My raging PMS hormones have settled down from last week and I started on anti-depressants Friday. I am feeling a bit better and definitely more under control. I know that my H loves me. I love him. We are seeing a marriage counselor again tomorrow. <P>As you may have read, my H is very sorry and repentant. We have a long way to go. I need to work on trust and anger and he needs to follow through on all the things he promises. Friday night we reaffirmed our commitment to each other. I drew up a list of things that would immediately end our marriage if he did them and we both signed the agreement. I feel like I have some control over my life again. <P>I hope and pray that things continue to work toward unity for us. It is very difficult for me still to hold and kiss him without thinking of what he did with her. I pray that this eases with time.

Tressa, I am glad that you are feeling better. Have faith that you and your husband will work everything out and have an even better relationship than before. It has been five weeks for me and I am just now starting to be able to have my husband hold me without me thinking about what has happened. I am contacting a counselor tomorrow and hopefully we can get in to see someone soon. I am just afraid that his work schedule will interfere or he will find some excuse not to go. I read a bit more of "surviving an affair" last night and it feels good to know that I am not alone and other people (betrayed spouses) have the same rollercoaster emotions as we do. We will get through this!

Hang in there! Sounds like things are, indeed, a little better. <P> <P>Kathi

Tressa,<P>I already posted on David's thread but wanted to say how pleased I am at this turn of events. He does sound truly repentant and I think you have a good chance to make this work.<P>However, one "critique". It would have been more positive to have signed an agreement regarding things to do to save your mariage that you both would work towards, instead of things to end it. This does make the agreement very one sided and may put too much pressure on him since he's willing to try to make things better. However, you do what you need to do to get through this next phase.<P>Prayers for you both.

The agreement basically said that if he was ever unfaithful to me again I would leave. You are right, the rest of it is up to both of us. Thanks.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tressa stewart:<BR><B>The agreement basically said that if he was ever unfaithful to me again I would leave.////I feel like I have some control over my life again. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Tressa,<P>I'm just curious. What do you think this agreement accomplished? Surely either of you could leave no matter what happens down the road. I can understand that you wanted him to be clear on your stance on future fidelity...was that all that was intended?<P>As far as having control over your life due to this agreement.....I would take care not to overlook the fact that your husband, demonized as he currently is in your mind, looked outside your marriage for ENs due to the fact that he wasn't getting his needs met in your marriage. Holding a gun on him or waving this agreement at him won't make that go away. Marriage has to be a willing union not a prison sentence. If you want to have security and control back in your life, you will have to address that issue (after you are done pummeling him, and I hope that is soon )<P>Mike<BR> <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited June 05, 2000).]

Mike, who do you think you are to be lecturing Tressa about meeting my emotional needs? I was the one who was screwed up and had unrealistic and evil ideas. I was the one who was making myself and everyone else miserable with my self-hate. That is not Tressa's fault. You should know that you turned her into a scared, ranting, screaming wreck with your ignorant comments. She needs support from me and everyone else, not lecturing about what she did wrong. If you want to lecture someone, lecture me -- I did this to her.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by David Stewart:<BR>[B]Mike, who do you think you are to be lecturing Tressa about meeting my emotional needs?[B]<P>David, I'm truly sorry and upset if my comments upset your wife. But this is a message board on the Marriage Builders site, and if you post queries you will generally receive responses from the viewpoint of the program.<P>Dr. Harley's writings show that affairs are usually a symptom of a problem in the marriage. Your wife wants to feel secure again in the marriage. Fix the problem.<P>Put another way, when you two were on your honeymoon in a perfect state of marital bliss and intimacy, would you have contemplated an affair? Probably not. What has happened since? Get back to that state if you want a secure marriage. Does that make sense?<P>Tressa, you should not feel angered or insulted by the possibility of examining that you weren't meeting some of your H's emotional needs. It is the single unifying theme on this board. After you are done with your anger, you will want to rebuild a solid marriage...you said that. <P>Here is an excerpt from the article "How Affairs Begin" that demonstates what I am saying: <P>R. J. described the essential conditions for an affair quite well. First, there is usually a dissatisfaction with marriage that stems from the failure to meet an important emotional need. For R.J., her need is conversation, which is usually missing in marriage when women have affairs. She has a deep and pervasive need to talk to her husband, a need that all the gifts in the world cannot meet. <P>R.J.'s husband has demonstrated his care for her in many different ways. But he doesn't care for her in the way that would deposit the most love units. Because he has not met her need for conversation, she is vulnerable to an affair. <P>

Mike,<P>The only need of my husband's that I didn't meet was his need to act like a 17 year old with no responsibilities, no children, and no limit to the possiblities of the future. He told me as much and that is why the affair happened with his girlfriend from when he was 17. <P>It also doesn't help that he was in the thick of a bi-polar mania and thought himself invincible and everything around him at fault for his unhappiness. <P>As far as his ENs, which frankly, you know nothing about, I met or tried to meet them. He rejected every effort I made to understand and help him, turned every good thing I did into something bad, insulted everything I did from not earning money because I am at home with three small children to not fixing him breakfast every morning before he went to work. He refused to go to a doctor,scared me and the children with his moods, and generally made our home a miserable place to be. <P>As far as sexual needs, we never had any trouble with that. We've had sex 3-5 times a week for the past 11 years, including when I carried his three children. I have also given him all my love and my heart and respect and admiration. I've supported him through many job changes, five years of graduate school, many moves, many disappointments. I have loved him with my whole heart and soul since I was 19 years old and given up every dream I had for myself to care for our children and support his endeavors.<P>Every affair is not the same. And blaming the victim is not a good idea in any situation. Where do you come up with the imagery of a prison or me "holding a gun to his head"? My marriage counselor felt that we had taken a step in the right direction with that agreement. David wants me to stay with him. I am not forcing him to do anything. He has begged me not to leave him.<P>I guess you think a BS should have no self respect and simply throw herself down before the WS and try to do anything to win him back. I will not do that. Too much in my life is totally beyond my control right now. I have agreed to continue to love and support my husband providing he seeks the help he needs and promises that this will never happen again. He is lucky. After all he put me through I was prepared to walk out of his life forever, even though I knew it would tear me apart.<P>If you had read my story you would know that in the past few months I have lost an adopted daughter because the placement didn't work out (attachment disorder and psychological and behavioral problems). My youngest son has recently been diagnosed with autism, and my mother and step-mother both have cancer. Last weekend was also the anniversary of my younger sister's death. I am a wreck. I am on anti-depressants and tried to kill myself last week. <P>Please do not judge people summarily and breezily here, Mike. We are all just people who are struggling to cope with one of the worst traumas of life. In my case, the love of my life, the prince of my youth, has betrayed my love and trust. He has made every promise he ever made to me for the past 11 years into a lie and I feel like my entire world is crumbling to the ground. <P>Yes, your comments made me cry last night--for an hour. My husband held me on the bathroom floor. I am feeling a bit stronger again this morning and this is good since I have another day with two toddlers to care for. I know that posting here invites comment, but I didn't think it was meant to be hurtful and cruel. I need to stop posting here. I don't need any more attacks on what is left of my self esteem. Right now I am just trying to hold it together. It's all I can do.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{tressa}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Don't stop posting. Most affairs do have some common thread...others are different. Many of us look back and see some things we could/should have done differently, but not all.<P>Several folks here have had the type experience you did (ie, a spouse with bipolar or other similar problem), which does alter things a lot. Catnip, for one, comes to mind...you may want to read her posts, or even post to her.<P>Anyway, I am sorry for your pain.<P>Kathi

I knew that bipolar and its role in affairs had been discussed here recently...the thread is from the divorce board, so the tone of some posts is negative, and not all deal with bipolar, but still you might find it interesting...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000259.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000259.html</A>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tressa stewart:<BR><B>I know that posting here invites comment, but I didn't think it was meant to be hurtful and cruel. I need to stop posting here. I don't need any more attacks on what is left of my self esteem.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Certainly nothing I posted was intended to be hurtful or cruel. I apologize if it came off that way. This is my last post in this thread.<P>Whenever I see someone post on these boards I try to help, using the MB principles. I know if I caught my spouse in an EA, I would want two questions answered: "Why?" and "How can I prevent this from happening again?"<P>The MB program is really pretty simple -- if you are fulfilling each other's emotional needs and avoiding lovebusting, you should get into a state of intimacy and protect yourself against EAs and divorces. As outlined in Harley's His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html</A> <P>Sometimes the part I forget is the time and patience, I'm bad at that, in my own situation and sometimes in advice to others. Grief and anger have to work their way through before recovery, I guess. <P>Again, I'm sorry if my semantics caused you pain. The underlying message I was trying to convey was simply the MB principles. You might want to look at Harley's book "Surviving an Affair". When you are ready.<P>For what it is worth, I have noticed a pattern that a marriage is particularly vulnerable when a couple faces a clustered nest of problems at once, and it certainly sounds like you had that going on, even before the EA. In a perfect world, it would strengthen a marriage....too often, it causes one partner to stray.<BR> <BR>Despite his EA, it seems that you have a wonderful and understanding husband, Tressa. I hope the two of you come through this stronger. It can happen. Read Harley's 4 part Q&A column on Infidelity off the home page. There is some good advice.<P>Best Wishes,<P>Mike<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited June 06, 2000).]

[QUOTE]<BR>Please delete this, duplicate post.<P>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited June 06, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited June 06, 2000).]

Kam6318:<P>Thanks for the thread on bi-polar. The only good thing I can see coming out of all this is that H is finally willing to see a doctor after my telling him I thought he was bi-polar for five years. Maybe now he can get the help he needs. <P>thanks, Tressa

Hey, that IS a good thing...I know it doesn't make up for the pain, but I do like to try and find some good in even bad situations (I plead eternal optimism). If this has the effect of making your H get medical attn, it will end up having a positive effect on your lives...<P>My sis' H is bipolar, as well as their son (early 20's). Proper med care makes a huge, huge difference.<P>Good luck to you both--<P>Kathi

Hi, David and Tressa,<BR>I just want to say that I envy your situation - I wish my H would be as considerate or remorseful about the pain he has caused as you are being, David!! Read my posts - my H will not discuss anything, will not go to counseling, will not make love to me(I asked him to get tested for std's - he has been telling me for 3 weeks he would, but still has not and he is using it to avoing intimacy). My birthday was a bust, last Saturday - not even a card - says he got one, but it is in the car -it isn't. And, I am just supposed to hum merrily along and show him all this love???????? My patience is wearing very thin - I have gotten great insight on this forum, yet I still have to "live it." I wish we were working on our marriage like you are...I feel we are in absolute limbo - dead in the water...<BR>Annc