<BR>I blew it. I asked a question I wanted for several weeks but I thought it's not necessary because he'd told me if that ever happened. "Did she ever call you since the last call you made to say you're not going to see her again?" Very casually, "yeah, a couple times" was his answer. I jumped. She had called him 3 times at work in 6 wks. "What did you talk about?" Long silence. "Not much." I was doing pretty good to keep myself calm last couple days but not anymore. They talked about how they've been doing, about her divorce, about selling our house and moving (that's what he came up with). Then he goes "I didn't want to tell you because it doesn't take much to upset you." Because it was just a couple phone calls, he changed the rule "telling me the truth" already. I did say "Thanks for telling me the truth" but it sounded like "Why the h*** didn't you tell me sooner!" Then he walked out of our bedroom w/ "sick of this stuff" attitude. Just 10 minutes ago. What am I supposed to do? Smile at him and thank him that he didn't do any worse? All right, HE didn't call her. Nobody can stop the OW call him at work, right? So there is nothing I can do about but sit there and smile at him pretending nothing wrong. Would he change his mind and decide to see her if she keeps calling? That's what she wants, I'm sure. I don't think he's going to see her, and that's why he's mad at me, right? But if she keeps calling him, that might change something. I need help. I guess he's gonna sleep in the other BR tonight. Feels like I wanna get out the house and drive around in the dark. When he's acting like this, I feel like "forget the forgiveness!"

Alien,<P>Yep, it's hard not to go off on them but, really, what's the point? I have found that it definitely does not make me feel any better and only upsets him which in turn upsets me. Keep working on staying calm. If that means you take a moment to walk away and reflect then do it. So what can you do now? My suggestion, admit to him whole heartedly that the way you responded to him was completely inappropriate and sincerely thank him for his honesty. Let him know in the future you would like to know if she calls him and assure him you will not get upset in the way he has seen it in the past. Sure you may be upset but find another way to share your feelings without going off on him. Rewarding his honesty with a calm response is what you want to do. If you go off on him your letting him know his truthfulness with you only creates negative results. <P><P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

Thanks molli,<BR>You're absolutely right. And I knew I was doing it wrong. I just wasn't prepared for that answer. I'm settled down a little and I'll do my best from now on. We actually talked a bit after that. Didn't get anywhere but at least both of us acted better. Although, sometimes I'm just not sure to be whole heartedly open to him while he is not to me, this way only I keep getting hurt... Is it OK to ask him questions though? If I assure that I won't get upset over it?<P>Thanks again to bring me back on track. I hope things going well for you too.<BR>

I know what it feels like, my W sees OM regularly in the jobs they have. They are both sales reps and their paths cross at customers and suppliers. Remember you have to fill the Love Bank and things won't improve overnite. My W had a full blown affair a month ago and she's at a point now where severe guilt and doubt set in. All I can do is to support and to love - very difficult sometimes. She's also afraid of me always referring back to her affair should we have fights in the future. It's hard work now but keep it up and you will succeed.<BR>Good luck

I normally post under the In recovery section, but I've been where you are so let me throw my 2 cents in.<P>First of all, you CANNOT control what the OW will do. You CANNOT control what your husband will do. You can control what YOU do and what YOU say.<P>I am the betrayed. My W had an EA for about six months, and it would be still going had I not found out. OM was in love...she was in love etc... After my W agreed to no contact, OM continued to call, e-mail etc... for another three months.<P>It is difficult for them to completely go cold turkey. There is too much of an emotional attachment. My W wanted to handle it her way. I was adament that I wanted to know every time he contacted her. It drove me insane, and I would get sooooooo angry at my wife, that we would always end up at square one. I told her, not to tell me, I just couldn't take it. That forces you to trust what they are telling you is the truth.<P>It has been difficult for me to live in that sort of limbo. Is she talking to him or not? My problem was that my W would say that there was no contact, and I would find out to the contrary. It was one lie after another. Trust your gut instinct.<P>I got to the point after about four months, that I told my wife she could continue to talk to OM or have her husband. I know ultimatums are a bad idea, but I just didn't care anymore. I was tired of being disrespected, which is what your spouse is doing to you every time they have contact with OP.<P>Focus on yourself for the time being and try to make yourself happy first. Really, we are the only ones that can do that. It is a hard road, but one worth traveling if you love your spouse. Keep the faith.

Van and Thor007,<BR>Thank you! Everybody here is so consistent, I wouldn't know what to do w/out this site. What I've learned from last night is that I should believe in myself. My H keeps saying I got to make myself happy, when he says that makes me mad but it's true. Just him telling me that makes me mad... So I got to trust him no matter what. I got to be strong and confident. W/out those I can't be happy. Makes sense... It's sooooo hard but I'm not alone. Thank you thank you thank you everybody. Good luck to all of you too.

Just remember that TRUST is something that is earned, not given!