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#401107 06/07/00 02:52 PM
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Lapeine Offline OP
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Yes, I messed up and contacted the OW (see what now?) I received a response from her. Oh, it is just like the soulmates in SAA. They have loved each other for 15 years and she will wait for him forever. If I am not willing to let him go and find true happiness, is it really love that I feel for him? They feel true love. If she had know he felt that way a long time ago, then she never would have married her ex-husband. Now she is moving from Italy right next door. She said that if she would support his decision to work on our marriage if that is what he really wanted, but she would not supoort it if he didn't really want it.<P>Talk about messing with my mind. I don't know what to do now. Are they really soulmates? Should I listen to her and let him go be happy. Is she trying to make me do that so she can have him. I wish I had never written her now. I guess I was kind of hoping she would say, I realize that your marriage is important, and I will try to move on with my life and let you move on with yours. That is what she told my H. She said that she did not want to stand in the way of our marriage. I just don't know what to do now.

#401108 06/07/00 03:33 PM
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Lapeine,<P>Your best bet is to have ZERO contact with the OW!<P>Contact with the OW... is allowing her to control what you do... and what you think.<P>You don't need that!<P>Concentrate on "building" you through a most perfect <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Contact with OP will also make your H upset...<BR>And give him reason to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bust</A> with you... or lead you to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bust</A>!<P>Your H has to know... it is he and you...<BR>...and the OP has nothing to do with your "marriage building" efforts!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#401109 06/08/00 09:38 AM
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Lapeine,<BR>I made that mistake too, before my H admitted the A. That just became another trigger, didn't get anything out of it. I called the OW and asked if she slept w/my H. Of course she lied. Then she told my H that I called, agreed to keep lying. Even though my H admitted it later on, those lies come back to me and make me mad even now. Sometimes I think about how I could prove that she was lying right on the spot, if I asked this way and that way etc.... Then realize I'm just wasting my time for something in past and negative. No matter how you wrote it, or no matter how she replied, you resent it.<BR>The OW still keeps calling my H at work which is impossible to stop, I thought about contacting her and telling he to STOP IT! But I won't. She got to stop it or my H got to. I can't make them to.<BR>Everbody make mistakes (especially your H did a big mistake), but you read SAA, right? She thinks they are soulmates because YOU're meeting some of your H's EN. When they lose the support? from you and become on their own, they'll realize they are not soulmates. Be patient, believe in yourself. The OW just trying to see how you react, if you decide to give up because of her email, she goes "I got lucky this time!"<BR>Good luck, I know how you feel. Hang in there...<BR>(I'm not a native English speaker, I hope I didn't write anything weird!)

#401110 06/08/00 04:42 PM
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Lapeine Offline OP
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I totally learned my lesson on that one. I have not shaken with so much pain and anger since D-day. No more contact with OW for me and hopefully not for H. Of course, I was furious when I learned she was moving from Italy to 10 minutes away. Why? I know, she got a good job, but how much harder is that going to make things for my H and I. Ugh, I wish I never found that out.<P>And when I reread her e-mail, I just got so mad at the things she said. Things about how they have been in love for 15 years. My H wasn't even married when she married her ex. If she was so in love, why didn't she wait for my H to break things off with her best friend. And, if H had known she loved him before we got married, he never would have married me. I just can't believe he married me only because she wasn't available. That really hurt at first, but now it just makes me mad. You can't tell me that my H didn't love me when we got married. You can't tell me that I was just a substitute. He was happy. I know he was. His friends even said they had never seen him as happy as he was with me.<P>She also said that she did not do this to me and implied that I did this to myself. Bull. If she were really a good friend to my H, she would have told him to seek a counselor or neutral third party's advice. She would have known how much it was going to hurt him to let his friends and family down by having an A. She would have advised him to get help. And this is what they feel is love? Whereas I am sitting here, forgiving my H after the affair and willing to work on the marriage. That, my friends, is love.<P>Then she told me that she knows how empty his life is and that mine has probably been empty too. Who is she to tell me how I feel? I have not felt empty for a long time. When I started to feel empty, I told H we needed to see a therapist. I wanted to turn things around. That was one week before I found out about the A.<P>Then she said a lot of crap that my H is saying now. Stuff that he never would have said three years ago. "God hates divorce, but he also wants us to be happy." Oh, how they twist words around. God hates divorce because of how much emotional pain it causes to people. Yes, he wants us to be happy, but he wants us to be happy with our spouse. H and I used to discuss how there is more than just one person that someone can be happy with. Once you choose one of those people, you have a responsibility toward making that marriage work. Yes, there are other people with whom you could have married and been happy, but you chose your spouse. Now stick to the commitment, and make it work.<P>My favorite is how secure she feels in my H's love for her. I once felt that secure in his love too. He has told me he is not even sure of his own feelings for anyone. Now, he could be lying, but at this point, I don't think so, and there's nothing to lose since he is wanting a divorce anyway. And how can she be so sure when he is married to me and statistics say that most affairs do not end in the couple being together? She is living in the same fantasy my H is. I only hope that one day they can see it and move on with repairing their lives.<P>Then I got the "If you really loved him, you would want him to be happy even if that meant letting go." I just wanted to say, "if you really wanted him to be happy, you wouldn't have helped him do this terrible thing that he feels so guilty about." They just rationalize everything, don't they.<P>I'm sorry I have really rambled on. I am just so mad after reading that. This is better than being upset though. That will probably come again in a wave later.<p>[This message has been edited by Lapeine (edited June 08, 2000).]

#401111 06/08/00 07:50 PM
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Oh, L,<BR>Does your H still want a divorce - didn't you agree to give it 6 months? That's why I hesitated to call OW - because I knew she would probably lie to me and turn it to her advantage. Has your H agreed to stop seeing her or contacting her? will he go to counsling yet? will he read SAA?<P>Isn't this the most frustrating and painful experience ever????!!!! Do not listen to what she said - she is trying to cause more trouble - and, no, she doesn't care about your relationship or she would not have messed around with a married man. I am amazed at all the women out there who have no scruples and go after whatever they want regardless of who gets hurt!!! and why do men think they can trust someone like that???<BR>Please keep in touch - I am thinking about you. Sincerely, A

#401112 06/08/00 09:30 PM
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Lapeine Offline OP
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AnnC, yes my H still wants a divorce. Yes, we are still planning on trying to hang in there for 6 months to see if anything changes. I'm only halfway through SAA and H says he'll read it, but I don't want to force him. You know, same as you, don't nag.<P>Yes, he has agreed to stay out of contact with her. Yes, we are in counseling once a week. We're on week number 3, but next week our psychologist is on vacation, so I don't have another session until Monday, June 19. I don't think they should be allowed to go on vacation when I'm in a crisis situation! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Anyway, thanks for the support. I know that letter just made her look wonderful and me pathetic. I know it is mainly a wedge, and she is probably not really feeling so sure of her love since my H is trying to work on the marriage, but in her words, she can support him if he wants to stay married, but not if he is trying just out of guilt. She really doesn't understand him at all, in my opinion.<P>Thanks for the encouragement. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

#401113 06/13/00 07:46 AM
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Lapeine,<BR>I am so glad your H agreed to counseling - I wish mine would!!! I know, my counselor is going out of town, and then we go, so I won't see her until July 11th - you're right, they shouldn't go out of town while we have a crisis!!! Ha! Mike and JL gave me some really good advice if you want to read their posts - I was having a really bad day yesterday!! to put it lightly!! It was not a great weekend, especially since it was my birthday. But, there may be a glimmer of hope - I sent an email to my H yesterday re. my feelings about my bday; about how he is not following through on any of his "promises" and how that is NOT moving forward, etc. He actually called yesterday pm from work re. the testing info number I gave him, said it was always busy, so I gave him other numbers and even offered to go with him(he said thanks, but he would handle it). Then, when he got home, I had left him the article that Mike recommended(re. forgiving and forgetting) on his dresser with a note asking him to read it, then I went to work out. He went to bed before I did, but when I got in bed he told me he had read the article and I thanked him. So, just maybe there is some hope. The article is really good, especially the reply to the first letter. Since my counselor is away, I have a phone conference with Steve Harley set up for tomorrow am, and I asked MB if there were any counselors in my area that follow MB principles, and there is,so I am going to try to get into see him.<BR>Hang in, thank you for your support. I am thinking of you and we are all praying for one another!!! <BR>Sincerely, A

#401114 06/16/00 10:24 AM
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Dear Lapeine,<BR>THank you for answering my posts on pa/pb - I agree, I need to work on myself. I have bought new clothes - had to because nothing fit!!! And, I agree - I am trying to buy not dowdy... I am wearing nice lingerie, and to bed, too...even though it has done absolutely no good. Have never felt so undesired!!! I am trying to listen to Mike, JL, and Jim on their perspective re. lack of sex - boy, is it hard!!! Went to doctor yestrday - had tests done, although everything is probably ok for me because there has been probably twice since onset of A and last time was mid-Feb!!! Yet, just to be on safe side...<BR>I am trying to keep my mouth shut -<BR>I am very suspicious that there may be contact again, and that is making it even harder... have to wait and see - keep my eyes open..<BR>How are you and your H doing??<BR>Hope things are better...<BR>Please keep in touch - A

#401115 06/22/00 09:35 PM
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Hey, Lapeine,<BR>How are you - haven't heard from you in awhile - hope you are doing ok...<BR>A


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