It's been two months now since I found out my W is having an affair. Just recently every aspect of the affair - emotional and sexual - has been revealed to me. In doing this she displayed some reluctance because she did'nt want to hurt me....(what can hurt more than already knowing of the affair but not knowing the detail) <P>She told me who this OM was and his circumstances. He's 31, 4 years younger than her (my W), married, father of a 2 year old son and his wife is now 6 months pregnant. Apparantly he said he was'nt ready for another kid now. (My W can't have kids). The affair started about 4/5 months ago. <P>So now that everything was in the open, both of us went for counselling and I've been doing all the right things to rebuild our relationship. No love busting, trying to understand her, satisfying her needs, talking to her and reassuring her constantly of my love and support. She seems to still love me - I can see that in her actions and in the way she treats me. She also told me that she loves me but that she also loves OM (in different ways). She's willing to give our marriage a chance, but I get the feeling that she lacks FULL COMMITMENT. She seems to want to ease out of the affair and ease back into our exclusive love for each other.<P>Now...my big question... Am I right in thinking that she must ultimately WANT to end this affair and not be pressured into any decision, by me or anything else. I do know that her thinking process is probably clouded with many emotions at the moment and I'm trying to help her in subtle ways. I can however only see a full recovery if she really WANTS it to happen and if her efforts come from within her heart.<BR>Is there anybody who's had this experience and what is your advice to me at this stage?<BR>What kills me also, is the pretence of a good marriage - at work, at family, at friends. But I suppose I'll have to live with that until our lives have taken some course. <P>Thank you for this forum to talk to<BR>_________<BR>Van

I feel your pain as do many of us on the board. I don't know if she has to WANT it for it to succeed. Right now, she probably doesn't know what she really wants except for the pain to end for her and everyone she cares about. She does have to break contact with the OM. If she can't do that, I don't believe your marriage has a chance.<P>Read SAA. It says that after breaking off contact there will be a period of withdrawal during which you must be very supportive of her. It is *very* hard. D-day for me was a month ago. She probably does lac full commitment, especially if she is seeing OM on the side. <P>I understand you wanting to know all the details of the affair. So did I. I am working through that. It is irrelevant to your current relationship with your W. As my H put it, "why do want me to keep reliving my mistakes." Actually, if he wants to forget, perhaps that is best. Perhaps it is best for him to forget things and move on. Perhaps than he will be able to see how much I love him and want our relationship to work without the clouded judgement of memories of the OW. You must let this go, or at least stop asking.<P>As everyone on the board says, time must become your best friend. These things are only solved in 30 minutes on TV, not in the real world. Good luck to you. Hang in there. I believe it can be done, but at some point both people do have to *want* it. For now, just keep trying to move in that direction.<P>I hope that God grants you the peace and happiness that I know you are looking for. May He be with us all in our trials.

Actually, it doesn't sound half bad! Sure she loves you AND OM...she's still confused and in the fog, and there are probably some Emotional Needs you are meeting and some he is meeting. That's OK...at least she is open to you meeting some of them.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She's willing to give our marriage a chance, but I get the feeling that she lacks FULL COMMITMENT. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is where my H started at back in December. She lacks full commitment right now...that's normal. As you meet her needs better and better, she will become more reliant on you. Don't press for "full commitment" now...it does have to come willingly from her.<P>If you haven;t read up on Plan A do so...that's where you need to be.<P>See: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html</A> <P>Good luck!

<B>P</B>atience...<BR><B>T</B>ime...<BR><B>C</B>onsistancy...<P>...you reward will be great <P>Jim