I'm staying at my sister's. She told me about this site. I'm so ashamed and confused and I need some advice, so here it goes.<P>I had an affair with a manager at my store. It lasted 6 weeks, well you would say I had a emotional affair for much longer than that cause he had been giving me books and cartoos and I had been giving him trinkets and lifesaver candy for sometime before we started kissing, and by the end of the affair we had had sex two times.<P>I felt so guilty about the thing that I told my husband last week that I had had an affair. He freaked out and threw a kitchen chair throught the sliding glass window. I ran out of the house, didn't even stop to get my purse and called my sister from the payphone at the park. That's why I'm at her house.<P>My husband called me and has asked me to come home. He said he talked to the other man and he explained the sistuation. My manager told my husband that we never had an affair, that he just flirted with me and gave me a kiss on the cheek once. That he was sorry he did that and didn't realize I would consider a kiss on the cheek to be an affair, and that he wouldn't do that with me. My manager told my husband he was very sorry, but that he treated everyone like that and didn't think anyone would be offended or think it was an affair. My husband seems to believe my managers story. <P>I am really scared of the way my husband reacted when I told him I had an affair and I didn't stick around to go into details. I would like to go home. I'll never do this again. But I am really afraid. My husband has forgiven me, but it wasn't what really happened.<P>Should I go home?

Welcome <B>ididntmeanit</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>There <B>will</B> be a time to <B>go home</B>...<P>But before you do...<BR>...you must be sure it is a safe place to go back to.<P>Maybe meet with him first in a public place... dinner... store... whatever...<BR>...and see if his mood is one of accepting you back.<P>If he is still angry... very angry...<BR>...you need to protect yourself!!!<P>"My husband has forgiven me, but it wasn't what really happened."...<BR>...you have to be sure it is safe!!!<P>When you talk to him...<BR>...be honest... let him know that what your manager told him was incomplete... and lay it on the line...<BR>...but most importantly... let him know you want to work on this marriage... and that you've found help through a "marriage builders forum"... with counseling available...<BR>...being honest upfront will save you so much grief down the road!<P>If necessary... (his anger doesn't subside)... say you'd be willing to start counseling (telephone) and then... when you feel safe.... you'll move back home!<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Learn all you can by following all the links starting at my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post!<P>Prayers for you! <BR>You are not alone!<P>Start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! It applies to both betrayed and wayward spouses(WS) as well!<P> <P>Jim

I want to say that you definitely do need to make sure you are safe, and meeting him in a public place is a very good idea. You may want to attend a few counseling sessions with him before you move back home. <P>If your Husbad isn't normally a violent or dangerous person, his reaction was probably just because he was overwhelmed by rage and pain. Learning of a spouse's affair is a traumatic event and people respond to trauma in bizarre ways sometimes. It doesn't mean that you can't fix your marriage or that he doesn't love you. I am a very gentle person and loving mother, but I reacted to the news of my husband's affair with a rage that terrified both of us. We are doing better now and are able to talk about what happened and love each other through the pain. Counseling has helped. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ididntmeanit:<BR><B>My husband has forgiven me, but it wasn't what really happened. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Exactly.<P>In order to rebuild on a firm foundation, the truth has to come out. That is the guiding prinicple of the Harleys. You owe him that. If he decides to get a divorce based on your actions, that is his right. But you can't rebuild on this lie that your OM came up with in a flash. In fact, I'll wager that your H isn't really buying it, and you will be in for some tough cross-examination once you go home.<P>The most important thing is your safety and, while it hasn't perhaps occurred to you, the safety of the OM, since your H knows his identity. <P>I would not move back. I would communicate the truth to him either by phone or in a counseling session or by a letter. I would also immediately quit your job and communicate that fact to your H. It will be a great solace to him.<P>You need to get through this tough period and then, as many people here have seen, you can rebuild your marriage on an even better basis.

ididntmeanit,<P>You have gotten some very good advice. Honesty is the only way to really rebuild. Mike made another good suggestion about your job. <P>I would like to offer my take on a few things. First, your H throwing a chair through a window. Since you have not indicated that he is a violant person, then I think you should consider a few things.<P>I will tell you that if he wanted to hurt you he would have. But he didn't. He did need some physical release to control his anger and the chair and sliding glass door did the job. I am not a violant person but when I get very frustrated or angry, sometimes (once every few years) a door gets slammed hard, a tool gets tossed down very hard, a hammer gets swung very hard at a nail with no care as to whether I hit the nail or not. What I am saying is I, as do many males, need a physical release for the anger and the pain. It is usually on an inanimate object.<P>Nevertheless, since you have moved out, I would surely discuss this with your H at a neutral site, such as a restraunt or something. It never hurts to be careful. What you don't realize is the depth of pain you have caused your H. If you read here for awhile you will get a small glimmer of this, but will never really know.<P>Now for the OM. Your OM is lying to your H as you know, but I suspect it is not to protect you. It is to protect himself. If he is married he may not want to lose his family. He may not want to lose his job, since having sex with a subordinate can get you fired in some companies. He may not want to face your H. But rest assured it is not to protect you.<P>So where am I going with this? You are right you need to tell your H the truth. You probably have nothing to fear from him harming you, but do discuss the truth at a neutral site to best gauge his response. Understand how much pain you have caused and realize that you will need to separate yourself from OM to give yourself the best chance of recovering your marriage.<P>Please read all that is here and that NSR has marked for you. You will learn a tremendous amount. <P>Finally, know that your marriage can be rebuilt with the information on this site so hang in there.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I quit my job. I tried to warn my manager I was going to tell my husband the real story but he had other people answer the phone. He usually answers himself. When a co-worker answered, the first call I said I quit. When another co-worker answered the second call I asked him to mail my paycheck to my sister's.<P>I called my husband and told him the truth about the affair. He wanted to know dates and times. He hung up on me before I could tell him I quit my job. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ididntmeanit:<BR><B>I called my husband and told him the truth about the affair. He wanted to know dates and times. He hung up on me before I could tell him I quit my job. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The next few days will be a roller coaster of pain, but you did the right thing. He wants to know dates and times so he can quantify the damage. He probably will imagine the situation as being far worse than reality (2 times, right?) so the truth should help. So should the news about you quitting your job. I would communicate back to him as soon as possible those facts.<P>Please be careful over the next few contacts with him. He will be angry and emotional, as is his right. He will possibly say he wants a divorce. That may or may not change over time, but your behavior will have a lot to do with that. Reveal everything now, in as much detail as he wants. Any reluctance will sit in his imagination and fester into a bigger issue. <BR> <BR>Perhaps a letter would help. There was an awesome letter of apology on one of the boards here that would melt Ghenghis Khan's heart. If I can find it, I'll edit the url back in here. (I'm back, here it is: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003000.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003000.html</A> <P>Hang in there, stay safe, and you are doing the right thing. Strange, isn't it, that this painful episode is the "right thing" and the excitement of an affair is the "wrong thing".<P>The following is an excerpt from a Harley article dealing with the need for honesty after an affair:<P>===============<BR>I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy. <P>It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity. <P>It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth. <P>It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed. <P>After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better. <BR>===================<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited June 13, 2000).]