I havent posted in a while, because I was just suspicious, I tried all the emotional needs stuff. My Wife wouldn't go along with that or counceling. She kept staying out later and later and finally today was an over night. She Lied and said it was a Girl Friend, but I saw the Girl friend and asked and she gave me the sheppish, I know what you dont know look. Then I checked the Cell Phone logs and found a number. Called it and caugth them. I didnt go inside or anything, Just called the number and left a message saying I KNOW where and who but will you Call me back and tell me Why?<P>She didnt call for 24 hours. FInally she said shes going to file a Divorce on Monday AM and that she is in love.<P>She hasnt read ANY of this Stuff. She dosnt know about denail, or fantsy or any of this stuff. She thinks this is real and that its time for her to move on.<P>She is a Christian or so I thought, but her reply to my asking how she reconciled that was, i guess I will be the one to Pay for it.<P>I told her I still loved her and would forgive her. I think she is just bored and had the affair to give me grounds. She is very very dominate and has been saying she feels trapped.<P>We are both porfessionals with a high public life. This will be very bad for both of us, but I think she is tired of the fats pace and right now isnt thinking about 1 or 2 or 5 or 15 years from now.<P>We have No kids. This is my FIRST Marriage, she had One before this and I swore it was before she was Born Again and So I trusted her and we wed.<P>Now that trust has been shattered. She is still the smartest and dynamic person I have ever met.<P>Everyone says we make a great couple and there are NO SIGNS at all anything like this was going to happen. Except in a very small group of some of her VERY NEW Freinds...<P>The ones who Hooked her Up with "Rick"<P>Rick is not a profeccions. He rents a small appartment and is they hang out in bars and get drunk type.<P>These were the guys she liked and dated before becoming Saved.<P>She has back slidden to where I am more afraid of her SOUL than our marriage.<P>She wont come home and will file Monday.<P>WHAT can I do ??<P>I am right now inbetween Jobs, this will be finacially DEVISTATING and will mean Bankruptcy for Both of us, loss of the House and everything.<P>We have been married for 8 years and are in our 30's 35 me 38 her.<P>We have a large victorian house and she will do Lord Knows what.<P>HOW do I make her see that this is throwing away SO MUCH for a Fantasy a Lie ??<P><P>------------------<BR>

Second Question I dont WANT a Divorce. I WILL Forgive. I will do what EVER I CAN. But she will FILE. She wont Come Home. WHAT can really be Done?<P>Am I just a bump in her road and to be disgarded without any feelings ?<P>I find it hard to believe that about the one I married, but this person I dont know her anymore.<P>

Welcome <B>Labix</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Lot's of good questions...<BR>...you are not alone on these...<BR>...they've been asked by so many for so many times!<P>"WHAT can I do ??"...<BR>...start on a firm <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and be willing to give it <B>time</B>!<P>"I am right now in between Jobs, this will be finacially DEVISTATING and will mean Bakruptcy for Both of us, loss of the House and everything."...<BR>...I too am unemployed...<BR>...this will work it... you dis say "We are both porfessionals with a high public life"!<P>"We have a large victorian house and she will do Lord Knows what."...<BR>...don't move out!<P>"HOW do I make her see that this is throwing away SO MUCH for a Fantasy a Lie ??"...<BR>...there is nothing you can to explicitly to "tell" her...<BR>...she will have to see by your actions... your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> actions.<P>If you "...don't want a divorce..."<BR>...don't file... and hold back the proceedings as much as possible.<P>"I WILL Forgive."...<BR>...that is good!<P>In all your thoughts... you are NOT alone.<P>Do read my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A>...<P>and for more inoformation over and above the MB provided link to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>...<BR>...check out my revised post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P>Jim

Keep the faith. Satan can be very busy. Keep praying and don't give up. Come here often and believe me it will help you. I don't have lots of words of wisdom for you because my situation is different....but betrayal is betrayal. Keep talking to the experts here...you'll get through this and prayerfully your wife will come to her senses. I will keep you in my prayers.

I sent a letter to Cindi, my wife who is having an affair and is filing for Divorce. I told her I would forgive her. I asked if we could talk. I told her all about doing whatever she would want and said I was sorry for not meeting her emotional needs.<BR>In specifics, I am a big picture guy who leaves the details to others. She is a detail person, but in retrospect, she has become totally burnt out doing all the detail work while I go around seemingly just making more work for her to do and expecting that she will.<P>She sent this email back to me. Which is a good thing I think, she could have ignored it, but she chose to reply.<P>Can anyone tell me what they think she is feeling or saying with these words?<P>What stage of the Afair? Is she thinking sahe is in love with him? Did she just do it to hurt me? Help Please. Ask Questions and I will Answer. <P>**** HER EMAIL TO ME *****<P>Thank you for the letter. Yes, we do need to talk, but I don't think the outcome will be what you want. We do, however, need to make some immediate practical arrangements to deal with this situation. I will need to get some of my clothes and personal possessions from the house and I don't want any trouble doing it.<P>Secondly, please don't misunderstand the situation with Rick; he is not the cause or effect of our problems and its something separate from my relationship with you. I wanted to split a long time ago, but felt too trapped and unwilling to deal with the emotional turmoil to leave. This in itself was not fair to you and I should have been more honest. I should have insisted we wait to get married the night before we did, rather than caving into pressure that "things would be alright." I am very sorry that I did not listen to my heart then, it would have saved us both a lot of pain. But, looking at a situation with hindsight only give you what "might have been" and I think we need to deal with reality now.<P>Anyway, I need to get back to work, or I can't pay the bills. I will talk to you later. Cindi<P><BR>

Monday evening she called me to tell me she wanted to come over to the house and get some cloths and stuff, but I was going to be out and wouldnt be there, she thought maybe that was a good thing and waited for me to leave.<BR>She didnt take much of her clothes or stuff.<P>She took all her jewelry.<P>What does that mean?<P>She then called me late at 11 pm and told me that she was there and and just and hour ago and was surprized that i was not back from my meeting. She expected it to be over by 9 and I think did in fact hope I was home.<P>She is a para legal and may have done the divorce paperwork herself and wanted to serve me ro maybe she was just being nice, but her voice did not havethe same cold edge to it, but yet still was a forced and artificailly strained happy, like she wanted me to think she was feeeling other than she is feeling.<P>This is all confusing and any advice as to what this might mean would be helpfull.<P>I hate it that I am trying to be in Plan A, and telling her in every time that we talk for 60 seconds thatI forgive and lover her and have her say nothing back to me.<P>I hate thinking that she is being a bit nice or warm only so that I wont notice she took the jewelry.<P>Dare I hope that the forced happy tone of voice is an attempt on her part to FIND feelings she has lost?<P>She is NOT a sharing Emotional type, we almost have the oposite roles emotionally than the traditiona man women expectations.<P>I am the warm fuzzy cuddley one, she is the aloft logical distant one. More didtant than EVER before I have known.<P>Still I cant help but think of the simple logic that this affair built on a lie will not last and that there is no one else she could have more in comon with or more experiences with than me. So much passion was our frist tow years before her mothers death, that even if a flood has covered the coals, the hearth is still warm. I cling to this belief.<P>As I look at it in the most basic terms, trust is the oposite of fear. And with her acts, and the hurt and pain and emptyness I felt, now covered and released by forgiveness and the grace and mercy of an almighty God, I can never again Know fear.<P><BR>What have I to fear? That she will betray and hurt me? Honestly, Been there done that, so to speak. I found it much easier to forgive than I ever thought posssible. I found a kind of true love of the heart, that really didnt exist in my life until I had to face this betrayal.<P>So what is it she has to fear? If I have not forsaken her in this hour when would I?<P>I am rambleing, but maybe some will have some insights or comments.<P><BR>

OK, I have been reading Plan A and Plan B and Reading Love must be tough.<BR>It looks like THREE DIFFERENT PLANS <P>AHHHHHH<P>HELP<P>Which one is right ??<P>Here are more details.<P>She first called him on the Cell Phone log April 18th at 11pm.<P>While out bar hoping with her trouble making Girl Friend Shelley, whom I found out separated from her husband of 3 years in December 1999, after having an affair.<P>Im sure she invited him to join them at the pool hall or what ever.<P>Jun 11th was When they both went out of Town<P>I do not know if that was the first sexual encounter but it was WELL PLANNED and with GOOD COVER.<P>Im really surprized I found out so fast. Sheer Grace of God and his timing, Or LUCK for you non believer types. hehehe<P>I am in great spirtis after many hours of prayer.<P>I know exactly which behaviors that I had which she rejected and thus lost our emotional bond.<P>I am sloppy and lazy and selfish when it comes to doing ANYTHING DOMESTIC.<P>I have changed. It is a change I wanted to make for a long time, in the army I HAD to be orderly and so after 14 years of that I guess I have been in rebellion and also took my marriage as the MOMMY does the house work.<P>In that regard I have been 16 for 5 of our 7 years, if not ALL 7.<P>She just gave up and couldnt deal with the house (7,000 sqr ft)<P>She must have felt that if I didnt DO, that I didnt respect her and thought of her as a "servant".<P>Admiration is her number one need.<P>I am very vocal in my praise of ALL she does. I still think she walks on water.<P>But hindsight being the clearness that it is, I think she NEEDED me to do those things when her mom died and I did not. So they went undone.<P>And that becamethe pattern. She never, in my mind asked me too, but in hers didnt feel it was NEEDED to be asked it should be self evident.<P>THAT and THAT ALONE was the catalyst of it all.<P>What I took as she needing space and not carrying about the domestiv duties, she took as I need a BREAK will YOU DO IT ?? PLEASE??<P>I basically Said NO, by saying nothing.<P>DAMN....<P>Then the CHANGE and conflict entered in, I took it to mean Greif of her mother, she was really saying HELP OUT... DO SOMETHING for Gods Sake.<P>Then we moved and year 4 was GOOD again, because we had just bought the new house and I was WORKING on it night and day.<P>In Year five I got a new job with long hours and AGAIN, left HER to do the house thing.<P>SHE saw that as OH NO !! Not again !!<P>Also the Small house was just a rental and didnt have much valuse to her and was 1200 sqr ft and thus EASY to keep clean.<P>I wanted this mansion and she did too, but SECRETLY Feared that I wouldnt KEEP at it.<P>She was right, but it was largley because of the demands of my NEW Job.<P>But she imeadiatly went in to conflict mode and quit doing ANY HOUSE WORK...<P>We havent "really Cleaned it in 2 years"<P>A few times we came close. And it is a FIXER UPER and we havent FIXED MUCH and it worries her something BAD.<P>On a side note and I'm not sure what this means (she called durring a huge thunder storm today to see if I had the dogs inside.<P>Usually I forget those details absorbed in my Work. But I had them IN. She was a bit shocked I think. but I told her a tree hand fallen in the yard and FYI last year one fell and I left it sit there for over a month, too busy.<P>She yelled that I needed to TAKE CARE of it.<P>I also told her it broke one of our windows and that I had called the glass company.<P>She yelled that it needed to be the antique wavy glass from salvage not some new glass, she sighed as if totally frustrated in having to explain all this too me for the millionth time.<P>I calmly told her I was using the chain saw and clearing the tree as we spoke.<P>I calmly told her that I called the salvage yard and gave them the messurments for the glass and asked them to take it to the glass company for cuting and polishing.<P>She said... "oh, ok, well thanks, Bye"<P>I said, "I love you, See you later, Bye"<P>CLICK<P>She is coming over wednesday night around 6 to get a few more things. The house will be clean and so will the yard.<P>ALL the loose ends neglected over the last TWO years will be Finished.<P>I have really changed (sorta of 14 years in the army and I KNOW self dicipline and how to bee neat and orderly) I just nevr CHOSE to do it until the BOMBS Droped.<P>And if it is not a permanent change, (which I am telling my self it IS and will be Mr) I know Ican do it for 14 years or so without too much trouble, because I have.<P>So if I do it 14 years and another 14 years and another 14 years, you get the idea.<P>I really dont think it will be as HARD to change as some other peoples missmatches.<P>But, here is other news. And I know im not following a logical reading here so this is a scene transition.<P>But back to the Question at the beging.<P>WHICH PLAN Shoudl I use ?<P>A or B or Tough Love ??<P>The Facts.<P>She is STILL HAVING th Affair.<P>She is STILL DRINKING HARD.<P>She is STILL hanging with her new Best friend trouble maker Shelley.<P>She is STILL trying to lead the high profile political life and keep this thing secret.<P>She wants the GOOD respectable carreer and high prestige of a public figure, but is DROWNDING in SIN and SELF DESTRUCTION<P>What do I do ??<P>She has ASKED me to stay Away from some of the fuction we share publicly.<P>I assume that it is because she doesnt want ot be FORCED into showing me Affection in public.<P>I assume it is because of guilt.<P>I read on some other web page about the three types of affairs<P>The Bridge affair (most likely)<P>The Compulsive Affair (least likely)<P>The REPAIR Affair (somewhat likely)<P>But it is STILL NEW to her and not Public enough to cause her ANY LOSS of stature which she WILL FEAR and not be happy with.<P>We are a very well regarded couple and every one tells us ALL THE TIME how wonderful we are together and how happy we must be.<P>Im sure that driver her Bonkers knowning how she has really felt for some time and so on some level she has been living a lie and dual life, I was just the clueless one.<P>She is thinking perhaps of being able to CONTINUE only just with ME out of the picture if I go away quietly.<P>HERE is the Nub.<P>Plan A in these setting (which RICK isnt involed with because he is her NIGHT TIME PARTY DRINKING BUDDY)will be the ONLY Chances I have to show her ANY SUPPORT or change or progress or consitancy.<P>It will be once a week in various committees some of which she may or may not be at but ALL of which will eventually be discussed at the monthly board meeting where she is VP.<P>Spin -- She go shelly elected to the baord as an ally politically, shelly is really not all the brightand follows along.<P>Cindi runs Shelly in the Politics and Shelley runs Cindi in the night life. Weird.<P>But I cant really DROP OUT its my future here too, and part of the strain was, I was dealing with BIG PICTURE ISSUES and leaving her to fight the details wars, so by in her mind suddenly jumping into the details, where I have not been for 2 years, is this a LOVE BUSTER ?? She doent WANT ME there....<P>If it IS, then threis NO OTHER place for Love Units to be displayed.<P>The Affair is continuing but in her OTHER LIFE Style only.<P>Shelley is the ONLY bridge to BOTH Life Styles. Shelly is both politically active and Ms Party Hardy home wrecker.<P>SO, I have the choice of DIRECTLY going against her CURENT WISHES and being active in the details of the Board and organization OR I drop out and have NO CONTACT at all, with HER or any of the mutual Friends.<P>Its a quandry.<P>I know she has Wanted me to HELP with the details for 2 years in the exact way I am NOW Committing to do.<P>SO, WHICH way do I go ??<P>PS: She hasnt filed yet. We have no fault 90 day divorces here in Iowa.<P>SO I have 91 days left to deposit Love credits and REALLY see this organizational meetings and activities as BOTH the only time and place to DO SO and also where I have a great deal of moral Support from our mutual friends.<P>Shelley is NOT Popular with many of them but they respect Cindi and I greatly so they go along with OUR CHOICE for Shelley.<P>Do ya see this Dynamic ??<P>MAN I am at a Loss.<P>I will tell you want I want.<P>I want to Be involved. I want to do the deatils because I live here and was not involed because I thought Cindi has these details under control and I would focus on others.<P>She doesnt have ANYTHING Under Control, at the meeting they Politly talked about the fact she had FAILED to do several things she promed and were very currious why she had MISSED the meeting.<P>80% dont know. I told the other 20%. Our mutual friends ALL KNOW She is cheating and they are STUNNED and shocked.<P>Cindi ?? A LIAR, DRUNKARD and ADULTERER ??<P>She hasnt got a CLUE just HOW bad this will hurt her future and credibility.<P>It makes me want to cry.<P>But I still think it is the right thing for me to DO.<P>If she cant stand that Heat and it is a Love Buster then she will Have to chooce between her TWO LIVES...<P>Im thinking she is having the best of both worlds right now and that a HARD reality check or LOSS of the GOOD WORLD will wake her up.<P>NO ONE can be a bar hoping party girl at 39 hanging with friends 12 years younger and be fullfilled for Long.<P>I KNOW she desires the LIME LIGHT more than the GOOD TIMES...<P>I am sure that these GOOD TIMES are a replacement for the Hurt she feels because i have neglected the details for so long.<P>Oh well, Im done rambling. Look forward to some GOOD FEED BACK.<P>there is a LOT of infor here.<P>Thanks in advance.<P>