I need to vent some, so I decided to make a list of ten emotions, feelings and changes that I experienced since D/day. See if you betrayed spouses could relate to this. <P>1. On D/day and several weeks thereafter I felt a physical pain in my chest. Every time the thought of W and OM crossed my mind I felt a jolt through my heart.<P>2. I stopped watching TV soaps and movies; they are so full of betrayal, infidelity and adultery. I would rather now watch discovery ch or other non-fiction.<P>3. W is almost permanently on my mind. I find it hard to concentrate on other things.<P>4. During the first period after D/day I never let her out of my sight. I crowded her and she hated it. (this was stupid of me because the affair was stolen time during working hours anyway)<P>5. I sometimes feel the urge to LB big time. (I somehow got the strength not to)<P>6. I tried to emulate some of the things W saw in OM (this didn’t work, I can’t be someone else – instead concentrate on my strong points and fill the love bank constantly)<P>7. I’ve learnt more about W in two months than in the previous six years – her habits, likes, dislikes, eating, drinking, clothing, jewellery, emotional needs etc. (I guess I started to listen and learn seriously only now when it’s (almost) too late.)<P>8. I’ve grown to resent jokes and chatter insinuating infidelity. (Funny how it hurts when you are in the actual situation and your friends joke about how nice it would be to sleep with XYZ’s sexy wife)<P>9. I find it very hard to pretend all’s well among friends and family. (no one else knows about W’s affair)<P>10. I’ve grown much closer to God<P>If you experience(d) any of the above, please know that you are not alone and never NEVER lose faith. Remember always, that by forgiving someone, you do yourself even more good than the other person.<P>We are in the third month since D/day and a lot of the (my) pain has gone. A lot has been said and much understanding and perspective has been achieved. We have just entered the recovery stage and W’s feelings and emotions are still very raw. This will yet take some time but I believe with commitment we’ll get back into a great marriage.<P>I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for all the advice in these forums.<P>Van<BR>

I can relate especially:<BR>1. Pain in my chest like I swallowed a big (and burning) rock.<BR>2. No TV. (Although I watched "Eyes wide shut", wasn't too bad.)<BR>3. All the time.<BR>4. He hated it too so I couldn't.<BR>5. So hard to keep control at first.<BR>6. I tried and felt stupid.<BR>(7. I cannot yet since my H don't open up his heart)<BR>8. Those jokes are spears of a long needle.<BR>9. They're wondering if I'm sick.<P>and 10. I wasn't even a Christian but I am now in my heart.<P>We're not quite in recovery yet, hoping soon. I'm glad things getting better for you. Hopefully I can follow.

1) No physical pain except the thought of eating made me ill. My throat hurt a lot, but that was mainly because I kept crying.<P>2) Stopped watching TV period. Couldn't do anything, but definitely don't enjoy shows with infidelity--since I married, I hated infielity shows.<P>3) Constantly. It's been a month and I am finally starting to be able to participate in some of my hobbies again.<P>4) Yes, hated every minute without H. Also stupid because much of the A took place via Internet e-mail at work.<P>5) Yes, I want to LB often. Not so good at being strong and not doing so. I have moments of hysteria when I think about the possibility that we won't be married next year.<P>6) No, I can't emulate OW. I don't know that much about her. When I met her, I thought that I was a lot like her, but I don't particularly want to emulate someone who couldn't make her own marriage work and then chased my H when her divorce was being finalized. Married people should just be off limits. If you are having feelings for a married person, you need to turn and run the other way. I can't respect someone who would do that, nor do I wish to emulate them.<P>7) No, H is still pretty closed. Everything I thought I knew seems to be a lie, so its hard to say if what I learn is true or not.<P>8) Absolutely hate jokes about infidelity.<P>9) My family and coworkers know about the A, so I don't have to pretend that everything is okay. What a relief that is.<P>10) My relationship with God has increased ten fold. I pray constantly. I attend church regularly. I have bought devotional and prayer books with such titles as "My God, do you love me?" It is astonishing how much I have grown to rely on Him and my friends in the church. I know that what ever happens, He still loves me. I know that He does not want me to be hurting like this, but that the pain is to make me stronger. I know that whatever the outcome, He will be by my side. Amazing how your faith either dies with such events or grows stronger. Seldom does it ever stay the same. Perhaps all of this is a test like Job to see how strong our faith is. I believe I am passing with flying colors. <P>Well, I'm off to counseling with my H. Another thing that is new in my life.<P>Good luck to you Van. There are many others who have the same feelings. Do not despair. God is holding you in the palm of His hand.

I also relate:<BR>1) Definitely a pain in my chest - one day before he knew I knew, I was finding out something very painful and I thought I was having a heart attack. Appetite still not great, don't sleep very well, either.<BR>2)I agree - tv? what's that?<BR>3)Definitely - can't concentrate, can't focus, can't seem to do much of anything - so pitiful!!! Need to get back in gear...<BR>4)Felt same way, although all was during work day, also, and finally realized I can't control it - they will talk and see each other if they want to.<BR>5)Fighting LB's like crazy - so hard - sometimes you want to just let it fly "How could you?" "Look what you have done to us!"' Etc.<BR>6)I do not want to emulate anything about OW - still do not understand why her....<BR>7) H won't talk much at all ... so how do you learn much - he is like a closed book...<BR>8) Definitely hate the jokes, too...<BR>9) Me too - it is hard putting up a facade, so I have basically become a recluse - which is awful. Are we having fun yet? no...<BR>10) Definitely praying more and more and trying my best to improve my relationship with God - the good which has come out of all this.<BR>It has been about 6 wks - I hope we will reach the point Van and Lapeine have - dialogue and increased understanding and knowledge - just trying to hang in there right now.<BR>God bless - A

VAN WHAT A GUY FOR HANGING IN THERE...MY SITUATION HAPPENED A YEAR AGO BUT THE ANNIVERSARY DATES ARE DIFFICULT FOR ME AS I THINK ABOUT WHAT THE 2 OF THEM WERE DOING THIS TIME LAST YEAR AND IT HURTS SO MUCH THAT I FEEL ANXIOUS WITH DIFFICULTY CONCENTRATING ON MUCH...WE MOVED AWAY AND WERE DOING WELL AND THEN MY HUSBAND LEFT AND WENT BACK TO WORK IN THE OTHER STATE HE IS LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS AND HAPPY AS CAN BE BUT WOULD LIKE ME TO MOVE BACK WITH THE KIDS AND STAY HOME AND GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE BEFORE HE SCREWED UP EVERYTHING...I AM BUILDING A NEW LIFE IN A WARM CLIMATE BUT AM SO LONELY...WHAT TO DO? THE BOOKS ARE RIGHT ON AND SAVED OUR MARRIAGE TO THIS POINT ALSO WITH GODS WILL...OUR PASTOR SAID IT IS NEVER IN GODS PLAN FOR DIVORCE SO I TRY TO REMEMBER THAT AND ULTIMATELY WE FACE OUR CREATOR AND HAVE TO EXPLAIN OUR ACTIONS SOME DAY...