I don't know how I can summarize in one letter but I will try.<P>I married my highschool sweetheart. Together now over 12 years. Married for 4 years. We have a 2 year old daughter. Just bought first house late last year. My husband's never fully committed himself to me and our relationship. I knew but thought someday he will. I never came first. I knew he loved me though. He went through the usual going out, kept contact with his exgirlfriend early on. The usual stuff most highschool kids go through. It's called growing up. I stuck with him. I thought what we felt for each other would eventually win.<P>Over the years I collected baggage from every obstacle we got past. I held the anger, and pain close to my heart. I felt something terrible would happen to us where we'd split up but that in the end we'd end up together growing old. In harboring all these feelings it reflected in my reactions and treatment towards my husband. Early this year he met someone. I found out by calling a number on his cell. I confronted him and threw him out. He said they were only talking/e-mailing. Went out twice. He came back. After that I continued to be guarded because I was so hurt. Wasn't sure if he was being honest. I was angry and hurt. After several weeks of throwing barbs because of my pain along with making extra efforts at meeting my husbands needs I found out he was still in touch with her. He told me he had been trying to break it off with her but nothing happened. That he realized over the last couple weeks how much he loved me and that I was what he wanted. He didn't know what to say to her so he just pulled away a bit until he figured it out. I asked him to leave again. I didn't think I wanted to ever look at him again. We talked that evening over the phone and by e-mail over the next couple days. We wanted to make it work.<P>I immediately bought a book and read it. I felt I understood things more clearly. I think deep down I knew he did sleep with her.<P>After 2 weeks he came home one night and told me he did sleep with her and that she was pregnant. And of course didn't believe in abortion. I was numb. I hoped my feelings were finally gone. The night was long. He wanted to be with me. Said he would do whatever it would take to repair our marriage. <P>The next night I told him I wanted to keep our family together. To call her and tell her he lied to her and that he loved me and that he had been lying to her all along. He wouldn't. Said he would do it by e-mail. Couldn't hear her voice. I told him then it was over. He came to bed and laid next to me. We held each other all night. I never felt closer to him. Like all the years of baggage that I had protecting my heart tumbled down. All that was left was my love for him. He looked me in the eyes and told me we were going to grow old together. After that night I think we realized how much we felt for each other. We decided to do what we could. I bought and read Dr. Harley's book. I asked my husband to start to read. We've been talking a great deal. We've never been so close and can't wait to see each other each day.<P>My concern. Am I a fool to stay considering there will be a child to look me in the face for the rest of my life? Am I a fool to stay knowing this woman will be in our lives forever? To know she could be a temptation for my husband forever? Can a marriage survive this? What do I tell my family? Friends? What will they think of me? Do I have absolutely no dignity left? How am I going to explain this to my daughter? What will she think of me? What's best for her?<P>How do I survive the pain. It's so painful I can't breath sometimes. Am I being blind? Why do I feel so close to the person who's hurt me so deeply? Why can't I understand?

I am so sorry for your pain. There are several posters here and in the prgnancy/child forum who are/have been in similar situations, and I'm sure will post to you soon.<P>Meanwhile, I just wanted to say hello, and do stick around...this is a great place for support.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lostsoulmate:<BR><B>I don't know how I can summarize in one letter but I will try.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That was a good try.<P>I'm so sorry for your situation. I'm sure your H is too, and he will have to live with his blundering for the rest of his life.<P>You have two issues ahead of you....dealing with the end of the affair and the rebuilding of the marriage, and dealing with the reality of the other child.<P>I doubt that reading books will get you there. I think you need to get to a good competent marriage counselor really quick.<P>Also, look into the "Pregnancy/child" forum here, you will be more likely to find people with specific similar experiences.<P>One day at a time.<P>Mike <BR>

LSM... you will find out that there are a few of us that could have just about written your letter. My H of 8 yrs (over 12 yrs together) had affair last year & I found out in Jan. 2000. We have boys 7 & 6. I was willing to try & put things togther because I truly want to parent my children in the best manner possible and I believe that they need two loving parents. Parents that can lead by example of love & forgiveness. I do not want them to think divorcing & "running away" solves problems. So I am willing to try & my H is seeing things in the same manner that I do. He didn't always, but now believes they are first in both our lives & they deserve all the effort in the world that it takes for him & I to try and build better relationship. And also... I had a TON of baggage that I drug around. I have released it. All that stuff did was poison MY soul. I will not allow other folks or bad memories to kill me from the inside out anymore.<P>All that is hard enough to do when the affair is over & things are cut & dried. In my case and yours... well there seems to be more issues. The OW (who had no issues with sleeping with a married man & knew he had children) is now suddenly moral person who "cannot have abortion" and is pregnant (due in mid-July). There may be a chance it isn't my H child, but I have to face reality that it may be & how do I move forward. I have ALL the same concerns that you have. Here is what I have come to...<P>I have read a BUNCH of posts from women in our positions & there are a few who report good results in moving forward. I think you can stay with your H and have a good life for you and your children. The folks who suceed make HONESTY a must. Without it, there seems to be little success. And you need to know why you would stay & weigh that against why you would leave. You have one GOOD reason to try.. your child. That is what I have found is our joint main priority for my H and I. We both love those boys so much that we will work togther to get over this, create a loving home & protect them as best we can against this situation. You are NEVER a fool for trying to take care of your child and have the best possible life for her. If friends & family do not respect you for taking the high road & trying to rebuild your family & take care of your child... well I wouldn't value those opinions too much. I have chosen to limit who knows about this simply because I want my H to feel protected (part of the Marriage Builders plan). We will deal later with who else needs to know. I haven't figured out what to tell my boys, but I have read postings on this issue & think it can be dealt with in non-destructive manner.<P>My H no longer cares anything for the OW. He has no feelings for the future OC, but will do what is legal for child support. If you & your H wants to rebuild your relationship, there will be no room in his heart for her, especially as he is filled up with love for you. Hope you are reading Harley's After the Affair. OW is an outsider & always will be. My H and I are also closer than we have been in a long time. Wish it hadn't taken this... but at least something good has happened for him & I.<P>Take things one step at a time. Get counseling & read the book I mentioned. I am also talking with my lawyer about how to proceed legally to protect my boys & I financially. That may be too much for you to do right now. Just don't let it overwhelm you & keep focused on YOUR priorities. I have had 3 months to deal with the knowledge of this child. I think it can be dealt with. Granted... life will be different. But I have never had a time in my life that was guaranteed and don't expect anyone else gets any guarantees either. The ones that end up happy (regardless of what pile of C$%P they get handed) are the ones who learn to cope. Believe me, I NEVER thought I would be so casually dealing with an issue like this! I always SWORE that I would not stand for some of the things that happened to friends. But you don't know until you are there.<P>Please check in to the Pregnancy/child forum. Lots of good posts there. Some are a little scary, but I am learning from them also. Sorry for the long post. Keep writing. And be easy on yourself! You will be in my thoughts.<P>Carolyn

LSM, Well, you are another one of us wives who have the glorified pleasure of dealing w/OC. I am in a similar situation as you. My H and I have been married for 7yrs. together for 10. We have a 6yr. and an 11 month old. The OW due any day now if she hasn't delivered yet. My H too said that he does not want anything to do w/ the OW & OC as he feels he was trapped. OW did not believe in abortions either.I guess she believes in sleeping w/ married men. We are trying to get things right as possible, but he has a lot of work to do. We are going to counseling which seems to be going OK. Some days I wonder what in the hell am I doing staying w/ this man after an affair and then on top of it all another child. But I am too thinking of my children and that they need us together. I know I can make it on my own, I just think that if it can work with us together then I should try and see if it's possible. <P>Do you know if she wants your H? The OW in our case wants my H and she is not going to have him rather I am w/ him or not. He says it was a one-night thing. Not quite sure if I believe that part though. It's been hard for me to even look at him, but at the same time I want to be intimate w/him and let him know that I love him and want us to be alright. One thing that our counselor told us it that if he is trying to do things to satisfy me then I need to recognize it and not get on his case so much which is very hard to do since he's the idiot that got us in this situation.<BR>Visit the other forum on pregnacy/child. It amy help you w/ some questions you may have. I am sorry that you are going through this too. It makes you wonder sometimes if they are even worth the time and effort. So far I am saying yes. Sorry to ramble on. It has gotten easier since the day I found out though. Most of the people who have surpassed me says it does get easier. I am praying. <P>Good luck and keep posting.<P>Stefanie

Taking care: You're e-mail touched me. I hate to think there are so many of us out there in so much pain. I will pray for you during this next month as I'm sure it will be one of the hardest. If you would like to talk please e-mail me. For everyone else who has replied I appreciate your support more than you know. I feel so ashamed by this I haven't told anyone and have no one to talk with. Sometimes I don't know if I'll survive the pain another day. I'll keep my head up. And hope you all do the same. I wish I could take this all away from us. I wish our guardian angles will find us someday soon. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by takingcare:<BR><B>LSM... you will find out that there are a few of us that could have just about written your letter. My H of 8 yrs (over 12 yrs together) had affair last year & I found out in Jan. 2000. We have boys 7 & 6. I was willing to try & put things togther because I truly want to parent my children in the best manner possible and I believe that they need two loving parents. Parents that can lead by example of love & forgiveness. I do not want them to think divorcing & "running away" solves problems. So I am willing to try & my H is seeing things in the same manner that I do. He didn't always, but now believes they are first in both our lives & they deserve all the effort in the world that it takes for him & I to try and build better relationship. And also... I had a TON of baggage that I drug around. I have released it. All that stuff did was poison MY soul. I will not allow other folks or bad memories to kill me from the inside out anymore.<P>All that is hard enough to do when the affair is over & things are cut & dried. In my case and yours... well there seems to be more issues. The OW (who had no issues with sleeping with a married man & knew he had children) is now suddenly moral person who "cannot have abortion" and is pregnant (due in mid-July). There may be a chance it isn't my H child, but I have to face reality that it may be & how do I move forward. I have ALL the same concerns that you have. Here is what I have come to...<P>I have read a BUNCH of posts from women in our positions & there are a few who report good results in moving forward. I think you can stay with your H and have a good life for you and your children. The folks who suceed make HONESTY a must. Without it, there seems to be little success. And you need to know why you would stay & weigh that against why you would leave. You have one GOOD reason to try.. your child. That is what I have found is our joint main priority for my H and I. We both love those boys so much that we will work togther to get over this, create a loving home & protect them as best we can against this situation. You are NEVER a fool for trying to take care of your child and have the best possible life for her. If friends & family do not respect you for taking the high road & trying to rebuild your family & take care of your child... well I wouldn't value those opinions too much. I have chosen to limit who knows about this simply because I want my H to feel protected (part of the Marriage Builders plan). We will deal later with who else needs to know. I haven't figured out what to tell my boys, but I have read postings on this issue & think it can be dealt with in non-destructive manner.<P>My H no longer cares anything for the OW. He has no feelings for the future OC, but will do what is legal for child support. If you & your H wants to rebuild your relationship, there will be no room in his heart for her, especially as he is filled up with love for you. Hope you are reading Harley's After the Affair. OW is an outsider & always will be. My H and I are also closer than we have been in a long time. Wish it hadn't taken this... but at least something good has happened for him & I.<P>Take things one step at a time. Get counseling & read the book I mentioned. I am also talking with my lawyer about how to proceed legally to protect my boys & I financially. That may be too much for you to do right now. Just don't let it overwhelm you & keep focused on YOUR priorities. I have had 3 months to deal with the knowledge of this child. I think it can be dealt with. Granted... life will be different. But I have never had a time in my life that was guaranteed and don't expect anyone else gets any guarantees either. The ones that end up happy (regardless of what pile of C$%P they get handed) are the ones who learn to cope. Believe me, I NEVER thought I would be so casually dealing with an issue like this! I always SWORE that I would not stand for some of the things that happened to friends. But you don't know until you are there.<P>Please check in to the Pregnancy/child forum. Lots of good posts there. Some are a little scary, but I am learning from them also. Sorry for the long post. Keep writing. And be easy on yourself! You will be in my thoughts.<P>Carolyn </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Welcome <B>lostsoulmate</B>,<P>I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here...<P>But, you've been given some great advice so far.<P>Your decisions are going to be hard...<BR>But as the title of this forum indicates...<BR>...you yourself are here to build your marriage.<P>"Am I a fool to stay considering..."<BR><B>NO</B>!<P><BR>"Am I a fool to stay knowing this woman will be in our lives forever?"...<BR><B>NO</B>!<P>"Can a marriage survive this?"...<BR><B>YES</B>!<P>"What do I tell my family?"...<BR>First... in counseling... seek the professionals advice...<BR>...most will tell you "honesty" will have to become both your H's and you trademark.<BR>...and that will hurt in the short run...<BR>...but be the best in the long run...<BR>...I think you're in it for the long run!<P>"Friends? What will they think of me?"...<BR>That is not as relevant as you think...<BR>...what your relationship is with your H and immediate family... and your faith... is so much more important.<BR>A decision to save your marriage is always the most honorable choice.<P>"Do I have absolutely no dignity left?"...<BR>...staying strong... building your marriage will give you much more than a short time of dignity!<P>"How am I going to explain this to my daughter? What will she think of me? What's best for her?"...<BR>Counseling is in order here... age dependent discussions of morals... values... forgiveness... will take time... but you can do it!<P>"How do I survive the pain."?...<BR>That is the strength of this forum...<BR>There will be difficulties galore...<BR>Post, ask, read, vent...<BR>Do use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=35&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Pregnancy/Child</A> forum!<P>"Am I being blind?"...<BR><B>NO</B>... in fact your eyes are just openning... and after you clean them away...<BR>...you'll see better than ever before.<P>"Why do I feel so close to the person who's hurt me so deeply? Why can't I understand?"...<BR>Because your's was a <B>real</B> marriage...<BR>...hurt now... damaged a bit...<BR>...but a real one... and yes you can make it better!<P>Prayers fro you and your H and your D! <P>Jim<P>

I know what you are going through, as do all of us in the "Pregnancy/Child" forum. All the advice you've gotten so far is good.<P>A thought about telling others. I found out about my H's affair and pregnancy because OW called me (even though my H told her not to) to tell me the news. H & I got started in couseling immediately which REALLY helped. <P>OW sent bitter letter to my H at his parent's house instead of our house, just to rile him up. I told my H that she was doing everything in her power to break up our marriage and that he should talk to his parents before she did. H didn't think OW would ever do something like that. Boy was he wrong!<P>After my father-in-law died, we found out that OW had shown up on in-laws' door step, baby in hand, to introduce them to their new grandson. They never said anything to my H, thinking he would talk to them about it when he was ready. (H was waiting for results of paternity test before telling them.) Unfortunately, my H never got a chance to explain/discuss situation with his father and believes his father thought poorly of him before he died. There's no way to change any of that now.<P>I'm telling you this because if OW is "in love" or in any way "after" your H, you should NOT under estimate the lengths she will go to get him!! -- DSR

Jim, you brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your support and encouragement. I'm having such a hard week. Today I actually felt as if I was falling. Like I couldn't walk. During these painful hours I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate at work. How am I going to survive this?