My husband just left me for another woman that he's only known for 2 months. I begged him to reconsider and give our marriage another try. He refuses - says he doesn't feel the love he should to make things work.<BR>Now he says that he's been unhappy for almost a year and that he was ready to leave me anyway, before the OW even came along. It has only been 2 weeks since this has happened. He moved all his clothes out this past weekend and says he won't be back until they have a place of their own so he can move the rest of his things. I feel completely lost. We have a 3 year old daughter together and he doesn't even come around to see her. I want him back so badly.<BR>As embarrassing as it is to admit, I have talked him into having sex 3 times since this has happened. The last 2 times he was not responsive at all - said he was just doing it to make me happy. I cannot give up on him; we had a wonderful life together before and I know we could have it again. He is just being so stubborn right now and coldhearted to the idea of reconciling. The more he stays away, the less of a chance I feel I have to win him back. I know now why he was unhappy and they are such basic things that can be easily changed. I am trying not to be confrontational when he does come around, although I have at times. It is still so new to me that I'm still trying to cope with it all. What should I do? HELP!!! I desperately want my family back together.

I am so sorry for what he has decided to do. I am sure this is a terrible time for you. My H never moved out after his affair & quickly agreed to counseling & after just a few months had a radical change of heart. So I haven't had to work through many of the issues you are dealing with.<P>Go to counseling on your own. Regardless of what he does, you need to have help in dealing with this & taking care of you & your daughter. Please read Harley's "Surviving an Affair". It was the only thing that gave me hope & helped me become a woman that my H wanted to stay with. Remember, you can do nothing to change his mind or heart. The only thing you can do is change your own mind & heart. What I mean by this is that you can create a happy person within you. That is the only person we have control over. I know when I did this I eliminated the excuse my H was using by stated how he couldn't be happy with me. You state that "I know now why he was unhappy and they are such basic things that can be easily changed." Start on the ones that you can change on your own. It will make you feel better regardless of what he does.<P>This is also NOT about you. People who betray have a BIG problem with a lot of things. They have basically slipped into a very self-centered mode. For them to back down on the actions they have taken (having affair, moving out, etc.) means admitting THEY were wrong. That is a very hard thing for a sef-centered person to do. They have justified all this in their minds. It takes a lot of work to unravel all the screwed up thinking they have come to believe is fact & truth.<P>I focused on me & my children. I also gently talked to my husband about how much our children deserved the very best in life & that included both their parents in a loving relationship. And that the burden of two adults who have issues should NOT be put on their backs by having to live through divorce, two households, etc. That they very LEAST they deserved was for us to make a try. It may be too early for that type of conversation with your H.<P>This took time to get to where you are at. It will take time to get to where you want to be. Please take care of your self. <P>Carolyn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by takingcare:<BR><B>I am so sorry for what he has decided to do. I am sure this is a terrible time for you. My H never moved out after his affair & quickly agreed to counseling & after just a few months had a radical change of heart. So I haven't had to work through many of the issues you are dealing with.<P>Go to counseling on your own. Regardless of what he does, you need to have help in dealing with this & taking care of you & your daughter. Please read Harley's "Surviving an Affair". It was the only thing that gave me hope & helped me become a woman that my H wanted to stay with. Remember, you can do nothing to change his mind or heart. The only thing you can do is change your own mind & heart. What I mean by this is that you can create a happy person within you. That is the only person we have control over. I know when I did this I eliminated the excuse my H was using by stated how he couldn't be happy with me. You state that "I know now why he was unhappy and they are such basic things that can be easily changed." Start on the ones that you can change on your own. It will make you feel better regardless of what he does.<P>This is also NOT about you. People who betray have a BIG problem with a lot of things. They have basically slipped into a very self-centered mode. For them to back down on the actions they have taken (having affair, moving out, etc.) means admitting THEY were wrong. That is a very hard thing for a sef-centered person to do. They have justified all this in their minds. It takes a lot of work to unravel all the screwed up thinking they have come to believe is fact & truth.<P>I focused on me & my children. I also gently talked to my husband about how much our children deserved the very best in life & that included both their parents in a loving relationship. And that the burden of two adults who have issues should NOT be put on their backs by having to live through divorce, two households, etc. That they very LEAST they deserved was for us to make a try. It may be too early for that type of conversation with your H.<P>This took time to get to where you are at. It will take time to get to where you want to be. Please take care of your self. <P>Carolyn</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Carolyn-<BR>Thank you so much for your understanding and support. I am trying to be strong for me and my daughter. The only thing that is extremely difficult is figuring out what to do financially. I am a stay at home Mom, so now I find myself having to get a job, and not just any job, but one that will actully support my family. I am desperately trying to find a way to stay in my home. That is the biggest struggle right now. I think once I get that situated, I can better deal with my own emotional issues.<P>You're right about it being too soon to have the talk with him about staying together for the children. He has a 7 year old son that I have raised since he was 1 1/2. That is another thing that is breaking my heart, because I have no legal rights to a child I have raised for 5 years. I begged H to give things another try for the children and he absolutely refused. He flat out says that he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me. I personally think those are defense mechanisms on his part because he has never given any indication that he wasn't happy until the OW came into the picture.<BR>I am trying to be strong and make the necessary changes, but as I said before, the thought of him not coming around to see those changes terrifies me. How can someone decide to give things a chance if they don't witness the difference themselves.<BR>And right now he's getting so much emotional attention from this OW. H claims that she's married to an abusive H. If that is the case, she's probably a very insecure person and my H is a gorgeous man so just the thought that he is taking interest in her is going to make her do everything possible to make him happy and claim him as her own.<BR>I'm working things out, it's just still very new to me and I feel like I can't give up yet even though my heart tells me I've lost him forever.<BR>Thank you again for your support.<BR>Silvress<P>

Welcome <B>Silvress</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>What to do...<P>Get the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<P>...and start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... as soon as you can.<P>You are at the beginning stages and can make the greatest impact.<BR>So many of us started too late... our impact isn't as great!<P>Until you get the book... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>You are not alone</B>!<BR>Stay here an post and read...<P>Start off at my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post.<P> <P>Jim

Thank you for your welcome Jim. I am truly blessed to have been linked to this website by a very new and dear friend.<BR>The support is unbelievable.<P>Silvress