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#401276 06/23/00 09:44 AM
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Hi Annc, I'm doing okay. I've been hanging out in General Questions and Recovery. You should see my latest post in GQ about OWs name popping up in movies and Ireland and stuff. I've started a hot topic.<P>Things are going well, I think. My H never really says what he thinks, so I don't know if he thinks things are going well. Monday was not so good. Major LBs. I looked at our sugar canister that is in French. I remember how excited I was to find it since my H and I both studied French at college. I remember how we didn't have any money, but we bought them anyway because they were so perfect for us. Then, I asked myself, "I wonder who will get these in the divorce." I finally had to leave the house and bawl at a friend's. <P>Tuesday, I stopped by a minister's house and talked to his wife. I was crying on the way home from work and knew that I couldn't go home in that condition without more LBs. I had a good talk with her. She encouraged me to hang in there a bit longer. I was fine by the time I got home, and Tuesday evening went well.<P>Wednesday, I had a bad day at work. I got moved from a nice office to a yucky office sharing with my manager who doesn't like my music or my spontaneous bursts into song. H was very supportive of my feelings. I was in a really bad mood. He said that he was glad that for once it wasn't because of him. I just let that one go and managed to avoid any snippy comments.<P>That evening, we watched a movie where the heroine shared the same name as OW. That was difficult. Then I had a daquiri. I don't drink much, and I ended up having chest pains and an asthma attack. H was very supportive of me as I was gasping for air and struggling to move into a position to get rid of the pain. He almost threw me in the car and hauled me to the ER even though I was saying I hated to spend the money. Insurance doesn't pay for everything you know. <P>Here's the part where I confess, but Annc, you will see where I'm coming from. When I have an attack like that, I just take off all my top clothing if I'm not in public. Anything that adds pressure seems to make things more difficult. So, I'm laying naked on the kitchen floor, shaking nevously from the inhalor and I keep thinking as H is holding my hand, wouldn't it be nice if got turned on looking at my naked body. Now, how on earth, I could think such a thing while racked with pain and hysteria about breathing is totally beyond me. Am I totally losing it or am I just really desparate for sex?<P>Tonight we will be getting together with some friends, so we should have a good time. It is much easier with friends.<P>I keep hoping that H will talk to the minister. I know that he trusts him and the minsiter will not be judging which is what my H needs right now. I just want him to talk to someone. I would be thrilled if he started talking on this board. I'm a talker though and I firmly believe that talking things out helps people think more clearly. That may be why I talk to myself all the time. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>So, that's where I am now. Occaisionally stumbling, but on the right track overall. The only problem is my love for H seems to be increasing. If my love was decreasing then I would be able to walk away easily if that's what he wanted. With it increasing, I am worried that I might be setting myself up for a terrible fall later. Oh well. C'est la vie.<P>I hope that things are going better for you. Has you H opened up any or is he still pretty closed. I found that the less I talk about things, the better it gets. I hate it and do still think about things. I try to vent to other people and this board though instead of my H. Eventually, I hope he will open up to me and we can really be a husband and wife. Maybe, we'll even start wearing our wedding rings again.<P>Let me know how things are going with you. Do you have children? I can't remember. Catch me up. I've been keeping you in my prayers.

#401277 06/24/00 10:25 PM
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Lapeine,<BR>It is so good hearing from you!!!! Oh, how I can relate to everything you just said!!!<BR>I brought up the "test" word again Tues. night - if you read my post... then I had an impulse to jump in our pool- no clothes on and that is when H came out to see if I was coming to bed - I had put my pillow on stairs as I was going to sleep in guest room, but he came out to see what I was doing and told me he put my pillow back in our bed...think he was amazed I was "in pool" and like you I was hoping he was getting "turned on..." - oh, how my mind thinks these days!!! It's good to know we are on a similar track!<BR>I feel I am obsessed - think about H 24/7 - all the time!!! I was thinking about posting a new topic about obsession because I am wondering if I am crazy or if other BS are having similar experience. I can't get him out of my mind - constantly wonder if he will fall in love with me again. Also wonder if he is just going through the motions and wonder if he is staying out of obligation - unfortunately I read a letter he emailed to OW back in early March ...he never wrote me a letter like that!! Told her she was his reason, better yet, his passion for living and that he was tired of pretending and going through the motions!! So, that script is constantly running through my head and messing it up!!! - he said a lot of other things in the letter, and I find myself wishing he felt that way about me and wonder if he ever will.Wish he would treat me how he treated her and do the things for me that he did for her!!! so painful, isn't it??!!! Still no sex - plan to wait it out a little longer, but there is only so much a body can stand, and if this is how it is going to be, this is not what I want - marriage without sex or romantic love?<BR>No thanks!!! Read my post about Dr. H having me ask H to call him - of course, he refuses, and still very little communication still no idea what is really in his head. "Says" he loves me and things are "fine" - hello??!!! how are things fine when he won't make love to me???? Is this man in complete denial, stupor, WHAT???<BR>Trying not to LB - don't know what I would do without this forum in which to vent and rant and rave!!! Everyone has been wonderful. Sounds like we are still in similar boats, so let's keep in touch. I will keep you in my prayers - you're great!<BR>My two daughters, 14 and 17, seem to be doing better because they are better when they see us getting along, so that is good. They want us together so badly. Just hope we all have a happy "ending" or rather, beginning.... A<BR>

#401278 06/24/00 11:03 PM
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Oh, AnnC, I'm so sorry that things don't seem to be going better for you these days. I am a little down tonight. We had a great day today and those are usually the signals that I am going to being hitting a down hill soon. Rather than LB in bed tonight, I decided to come post on the board.<P>I just hate this not knowing. We have such a good time with our friends, and I start to wonder if he is having a good time, if he is liking me better, if I am doing everything okay, if he is changing his mind about staying with me.<P>Then I go to bed and I start to wonder what they did together sexually. I wonder if I will ever turn him on again. I wonder if I will be able to meet his needs. I feel inadequate because he never initiates anything. I wonder if he still wants to be with her. I wonder if he is just hanging out with me until she moves closer. All these doubts seem to creep up on me.<P>I'm getting so tired of not knowing. I have managed not to cry since Tuesday. Sometimes I think that if this continues through the summer I won't have to worry about the draught they keep predicting. I will be able to water my yard and flowers with me tears.<P>I think I could be a lot stronger if I felt he were committed to this marriage, but I never know if he is or isn't. I never know how he is feeling and he never tells me because it usually hurts me. I don't know which is worse. Him not telling me and hurting because I don't know what is going on, or him telling me and hurting me because it isn't what I want to hear. I just don't know.<P>I hate everything about this situation. I hate what I am giving up to be with a man who is not even sure he wants to be with me. I wonder at times why I am doing this–opeining myself up to be hurt later. My mom says that I am building a shell around myself and I won't be hurt so great if there is a next time or if divorce comes. It isn't a very comforting thought. <P>I am encouraged that he seems to be spending time with his computer games again. I actually like to hear the sound of violence coming over the speakers. At least I know he is not chatting over the Internet with her. I hate it when he is late from work. I wonder if he is talking to her. Today he came from out of the blue and gave me a great kiss for no reason. That was nice. I feel like I am smothering him because I worry that he will start talking to her again and I will have to leave. I wonder when if ever, I will be able to stop worrying that he is communicating with her. I look at our friends' marriage and see her nagging her H all the time. I want to shout, don't do that, don't you see what happened when I started nagging my H. Then I think, that my H and I were never like that. We always seemed to get along so well. Where did this A come from. Then his mother tells him that he is going to burn in h*** if he's not careful and I get so mad at her for hurting him. I'm just a bundle of emotions right now. I guess it's getting late and I should go to bed. I just don't want to start an argument in bed. We promised we wouldn't do that. <P>He asked me as I was getting out of bed to come post if I was mad at him. I said "no." I meant that. I'm not really mad—just frustrated, scared, tired, sad, and lonely. It is amazing how lonely one can feel in bed with their spouse.<P>Thanks for letting me ramble. I guess I don't feel as strong tonight as I have for the past couple days. I'm really going to try to make it to Monday. That will be a full week with no major LBs. There are always small ones, but it's just so hard to try and be perfect. Tonight we played poker with our friends, I accidentally flipped over a card while dealing to him. It was a wild card and he got upset because then the opponent knew he had a wild card but you hate to burn a wild card. I almost cried right there becasue he snapped at me. I felt "Great, now he's never going to like me." I hate feeling bad about accidents. I hate feeling like they are going to mess up my whole marriage.<P>Okay, I'll stop now. I hope things go better tomorrow. I hope that I can be stronger tomorrow. I guess I better go pray now for God to give me more strength. I guess that last batch of strength is almost gone.<P>Good luck to you Ann. Hang in there. We're all in this together.<BR>

#401279 06/25/00 11:17 PM
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Oh, L, you didn't ramble!! - you just said all the things that I am thinking, too!!!! That's what I meant when I said I am obsessed - I wonder constantly when he is not here if they are in contact; I wonder if he is just waiting - maybe she is getting a D and he is waiting for it to go through, maybe he is just waiting for courage to leave, maybe he is here just for my daughters, etc. It is torture - my mind won't stop. We had a great day yesterday, then I always wake up the next am wondering - because he won't kiss me, etc. I wonder if he will ever feel passion or romance for me again, or ever think I am desirable and attractive - this is wrecking havoc on my self esteem, yet I am trying so hard to be strong and not to LB. I wonder the same things - does he like me any better? - it's walking on eggshells, trying and hoping he will love me again. I am feeling all the same things you are!!! I wonder if he really was in deep love with OW, and if so, can he love me like that ever again? Yet, I have nothing to go on because he will not open up to me - I hate everything about this situation, too!!! I wonder why I am sticking with someone who I don't know loves me or not, someone who does not make me feel desirable or attractive, someone who wants no intimacy with me at all!! This is not a marriage - he is my "roommate" - is this what I want for rest of life??? Will things ever change? How long am I supposed to go without love and affection/ - I am not getting any younger? All these things race through my head every day, and then I start crying or resenting the h... out of him for doing this!! I started crying Fri. am at 5 am in bed (still can't sleep, either) and did not want H to hear me, but he did and he said what's wrong - first I said nothing, but he said you're just lying there crying for nothing? So, I said, I want my marriage back, I want my H back. He said zip...did not comfort me, yet I rolled over and put my arms around him. Then, he said he had to get up and get going... Lord, give me strength, because I am not sure how much longer I can keep this "facade" going...<BR>Well, L, I rambled, too, - yet, I wanted you to know that we are feeling all the same things. Let's keep supporting one another and praying for our H's change of heart for us...and for patience!! - because that is something that is wearing thin for me....Talk to you soon... A

#401280 06/25/00 04:56 PM
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annc and Lapeine,<P>I have been reading your posts to one another and wasn't sure I should intrude or not. It seems to me you two ladies are worrying about the wrong things. Don't worry about the sex, it will come back as your H's get over their guilt and in the case of annc, her H faces the music and gets tested for STD. <P>You need to back off just a little and give them space to come to you. It seems they are figuring things out, from the statements you have made. There are very encouraging signs that your H's want to work this out. It is a long grind. <P>I believe I recommended a book to annc, but I will repeat it. If you want to have a better understanding of your H's try reading a book called "Men made easy" by Ho. She seems to have a very good handle on what makes men tick. It is a femine impowerment book, I guess, but it may give you both a plan on how to proceed with your Plan A and how to get your H's to talk more.<P>Please have patience, it would seem that there are changes going on in your marriages and they are good. It is natural to focus on the negative because of your pain and concern, but do look at the positive, it is there.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

#401281 06/25/00 06:33 PM
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JL, you're not intruding. Thanks for the comments. I know I shouldn't worry, but its hard not to. This message was mainly for AnnC because she asked how I was doing, but the reason we post is because it is always nice to have other people's observations. Thanks. I keep trying to keep a positive outlook on things, it's just hard. My H has been getting better. I just hope it's real.

#401282 06/25/00 09:36 PM
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I don't mean to bother you either. But just my thought, even though my H says he feels no romantic love toward me, he still have sex with me. I think it's a sign of my H's selfishness. He really does not care who he has sex with. Your Hs desire is at least linked to their feelings like human beings, you know. I take it as their humanity and integrity, (it sounds sad for me but never mind). My H is really really messed up. We figure this out on our own, but you guys, hang in there, it will get better soon because you are doing great job. Praying for you.

#401283 06/26/00 08:56 AM
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JL and Alien,<BR>Please don't ever think you are intruding - we invite your comments. As always, they put me back on track and give me hope. JL, your advice is always encouraging, and I plan to find the book today. Sorry, I guess L. and I do seem to be focused on sex - but, I guess it's because it has been so long for me and this is hard!!!! ha!<BR>Keep us on track; we need y'all.<BR>God bless - A

#401284 06/26/00 08:34 PM
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hi all<BR> I have been away for a few weeks trying to sort myself out and what I want in life. I am back feeling on top of most things.<P>Just read what you have been writting about and wonder is it the physical side of sex you miss or is it the intimacy the goes with it.<P>Your emotions will play havoc with you as this is a stressful period that we will all go through. Try and make it a positive experience for you and what you can learn to make you! a better person. Your relationship will change and won't be the way it was. Its up to you where you want it to go. Begin thinking of your needs you cannot be happy with any one until you are happy with yourself. <BR>Depression will affect your feelings and the way you think. You may feel you go through the spectrum of all the emotions in one hour and this will extend to over a day. Eventially this will be having good days followed by bad.Look at what made you happy and make the next two days the same you will come through this and maybe have a good laugh.Recognize you are there then move foward and be nice to yourself. Do somthing for yourself you haven't done in years.You will know what you enjoyed.Try watching a funny movie and have a good belly laugh. As they say a good laugh is the best medicine. It worked for me.<BR>Look around you for the beautiful things in your life, your children the wonders of nature. <BR>Finally don't pressure your husband for sex. He has to fix his emotional side of the relatonship. He has to go into himself to sort himself out first. Leave him there until he is ready. Don't try and pull him out until he ready otherwise it will take longer. While he is there look at yourself<BR> to make you a better person who can solve any problems that are thrown at you.<P>Always keep a smile on the inside you will feel happier tomorrow. <P>by for now<BR>

#401285 06/26/00 10:27 PM
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Timtam-<BR>Thank you for your post - for me, it's both the intimacy and the physical side - I miss both!!! Guess I will not feel like my H is committed until he makes love to me...wrong or right? I don't know...<BR>Your advice is good - I should try to concentrate on myself and laughter would be good right now. Please keep in touch - thank you! A

#401286 06/27/00 11:03 PM
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JL,<BR>Went to get "Men Made Easy" last night - they didn't have it so it is on order. Can't wait to get it, although men aren't really easy, are they? Men think women are hard to understand...ha! but at least we voice our feelings...<BR>Thanks for the recommendation - we'll see...<BR>Having a bad day today - a downer, for some reason. This rollercoaster is some ride!!<BR>A

#401287 06/28/00 06:06 AM
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OK, everyone,<BR>Bad day yesterday - not feeling well, and to top it, had to deal with teenage daughter acting up in middle of night. Needless to say, did not sleep much. Are we having fun yet? Ha! Then H tells me he really can't go on vacation - we were leaving tomorrow!! - and wants me to call and see if we can reschedule!! Aaarrgghh! I am proud of myself, though, I held my tongue, and just said OK - before I probably would have gotten really upset. I really am trying not to LB, but boy it is hard. So, I get to make the call in an hour or so - will let you know. <BR>Our daughter is another story - feel she is acting out right now - H hasn't been a good role model, needless to say - what do you do??? I feel I am in quicksand and sinking fast - feel like no one is being honest - all lies around here.<BR>Also, when I went to get the book that JL recommended, I bought some others - "Hot Monogamy," and "Light His Fire." You can see I am still hung up on sex issue...ha! Not sure how much they are helping because all I do is wonder if H will ever want me again, and if he does will I be compared to OW? or was I always inadequate in that dept.? or is my skinny bod a turnoff compared to porn women and OW(endowed in upper dept.)? Oh, if we could only turn off our minds!!! <BR>Excuse me for rambling - and baring my soul - it has been a long night. Thank goodness for all of YOu!!! A

#401288 06/28/00 07:09 AM
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Annc,<BR>Yesterday must be a bad day for everybody.<P>Sorry I don't have a teenager or a daughter so not much advice on that from me, but my god I can relate to you, my complex of my skinny body. You know, I'm an oriental, didn't have much breast at all to begin with, then I breastfed 2 babys. Nothing left, practically flat. (Don't laught! It's not funny... it is, I guess... hahaha...) I'm seriously thinking about implant, but I can't do it until our relationship get strong and have enough support from him. Otherwise implant itself could be a fatal damage to this marriage right now... Just dreaming about this makes me feel good though...<P>And my H is porn addict. I'm talking to a counselor about this too, but so far he is not interested in talking to my counselor in person, so I'm just letting it go. Although he's talking to Dr.H. I really can't go into this personal stuff with Dr. Maybe because it's on the phone. I don't know. In person I can talk more, and my counselor can read more from face...<P>Hey, I'm so glad to hear your H agreed to go counseling! And said no divorce! Great! And sounds like you're doing great on planA! Be proud of yourself!!! Sure you're making so much progress, keep the faith, God is there inside of us, I can feel the strength.<P>Amy

#401289 06/28/00 07:51 AM
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Hey, Amy,<BR>Good to hear from you - yes, must have been the moon or something yesterday.<BR>OOPS! I was so tired last night when I posted, that I knew I might have been unclear - no, H has not agreed to counseling and I don't think he ever will... I was telling Confused to be glad that her H had agreed to counseling. <BR>And, yes, I have been considering implants, too!!! Not laughing at you at all - our minds are torturing us, aren't they? I breastfed my children, also, and gravity has done its job!! Ha!! The fact that OW is well endowed and younger does not help.<BR>Well, H, just called - we are leaving on vacation tomorrow after all!!! I will miss all of you - don't know what I will do without being able to get on this site!! Please pray that we have a peaceful, fun vacation as this family badly needs it, and I will be back in touch when we return. Hang in there - I will be thinking of you!!<BR>God bless - A

#401290 06/28/00 11:55 PM
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Annc, have a great time on vacation. How long will you be gone? Why don't you see if you can go the whole vacation and not think about sex? I bet that would surprise your H. Dobson's book Love Must Be Tough talks about how you need to do the unexpected if you want your WS to notice you. When H and I went to Ireland, I tried to forget about things (impossible as D-day was five days before we left). I think that vacation would have gone better if I had acted like nothing was wrong and just treated it like a regular vacation. <P>You have the opportunity to do that since you are probably stronger now than I was. Wear yourself out, so you can't even think about sex. Smile, laugh, play, and have fun. Forget about everything else that is going on in your life. Show your H the young girl that he married. Buy a few wonderbras and wear some tight shirts if your H likes the younger look. It's not like he'll be undressing you to notice its not real! <P>Good luck. I know, it's all much easier said than done. Do have a great vacation. Don't nag or mention your concerns or the A. All of that are LB's for him and you don't want him to hate the trip and you don't want to hate the trip. I'll be praying for you. You can do it because as Jim says, you're a PTC (Pretty Tough Cookie)! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#401291 06/28/00 10:11 PM
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Dear L,<BR>Thank you - I sincerely hope and pray that this is a good vacation - our family needs to have fun!!!<BR>Things have gone pretty well - I am not mentioning A or LBing - H seems to be OK as long as topic of conversation veers away from these things. So, please pray that we have a great week together and that our teenage daughters will "cooperate." <BR>Will look forward to talking when we return - I will miss y'all and this site a lot!!! Hope I can make it without for a whole week!<BR>God bless, I will be thinking of you and hope things go well for you this next week!!!!!!!!!<BR>A


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