I thought we're ready for recovery forum. Life is never that easy. God gave me another big blow an hour ago.<P>On the d-day my H said it was an PA. After he talked to Dr. H today, he told me that he is in love with the OW, and he loves her.<P>He said he also loves me, in a different way.<P>I was in a good mood and in a good PlanA for last couple weeks. <P>Even when he told me that, oh I was so nice and calm, be proud of me, patting his arm while I was listening to his love story. And my mind saying "this useless *** finally got guts to tell me what kind of b*** **** was really going on ..." my face smiling, him in tears.<P>If I haven't been on this forum, I couldn't have taken it, that's for sure. I was even prepared for something worse. The shock was big, as big as when I found out about the A, but I guess I'm just stronger than I used to be.<P>He promised me that he'd never take my kids away from me (yeah? what's your point?) and wanted me to promise that I'd never take kids away from him. Took me awhile to say it. (Alright, if he gets to see them few times a year, it's not taking away from him is it?) But I promised him! For kids sake.<P>I know I'm getting sarcastic and bitter, but I don't know howelse to protect my heart. I'm not alone i'm not alone i'm not alone.<P>Is he in a fantasy world and in withdrawal? Somebody please make me believe so.

alien,<P>I don't read this forum much, but just got done reading some of your story.<P>This sounds alot like withdrawal to me. His emotions are on a rollercoaster right now, and confusion abounds. I don't think he's even sure of what is coming out of his mouth!<P>It's so hard to know what is going on in someone elses head. Especially when it's someone you once thought you knew so well, and then they do something painful like this. I don't know what advice to offer, except that sometimes it just takes time. Time will allow him to sort out the ugly mess in his head. Time will allow him to realize what a beautiful family he has at home. Time will allow him to see what love truly is. Time will allow him to see what type of a person OW is. <P>Did you have your counseling session with Dr. H? If so how did that go? <P>Stay strong, you're not alone.

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Alien, I hear the same thing from my H. Only he says he loves both of us in different ways. He loves me as a caring person and a little more than a friend. I think that with OW he feels the romantic love. My only consolation to that is he felt that with me once. I know that if he goes to her, that romantic love will wear off the longer they are together. As Dr. McGraw says, one of the myths of being in love is that it has to be like the movies. I think of love in the movies as romantic love. Romantic Love grows and develops into a something stronger if both people let it. I hope that you H is willing to recognize this. You can get the romantic love back with Plan A. It takes time. Your H didn't fall in love with either of you overnight, and it will take longer to do it again because there are now issues between you. Hang in there. I know it can be done. I am hoping that my H and I can do it to.<P>May God be with you during this difficult time.

tryingtomoveforward, hanora, Lapeine<BR>thank you again, thank you and thank you.<P>I got little sleep. So I'm very silly now.<P>Anyway now I figured my H doesn't know what he's talking about. He thought Dr.H would be surprised if he tells Dr. that he is in love with the OW, and never loved me in a romantic way. He has NO IDEA who we are, does he?!<P>And I'm wondering which piece of our conversation last night was truth and which piece wasn't. Not that matters anymore. Oh who cares. Now I definitely got to make myself happy on my own. Go shopping?<P>Just pray for me not to be TOO silly. Thank you all again and again and again!

Dear Alien,<P>I know what you mean about getting an unexpected blow. I have to admit that you handled yourself like a true lady, so feel proud. You are going to be fine because your children will keep you going if nothing else.<BR>My H told me last night that now he believes he's been unhappy for longer than a year. Every time I get to talk to him, since he's no longer living here, it gets longer and longer. Surprisingly enough, although it's only been 3 weeks, I am starting to recover.<BR>Last night H came to babysit daughter so I could go out. I didn't have plans, hell, I just drove around for 3 hours. But when I got home, we talked and I finally realized that it is his loss!!! I feel like I was married to a complete stranger the way he was behaving. He was dancing to music when I got home - something I could never get him to do. He told me, "Maybe I just never wanted to do those things with you." Gee thanks for the honesty. But I know I will be OK. If only I didn't have to deal with him ever again, but oh that's where the children come in. Luckily I am calling all the shots in that department, so I will try to be as nice as I can for my daughter's sake and wellbeing - not his!!<BR>Last night put me on the road to recovery because I did not like the person I saw in him. Why am I trying to hold onto someone I don't really know. I feel like the past 5 years we were living a lie - I wasn't, but he obviously was. The only thing I can truly appreciate receiving from the relationship is my beautiful daughter who I am so thankful for!!<BR>As hard as it can be in these difficult times, we should appreciate all the wonderful things we do have in life and that other people have faced much worse adversities and survived and we will survive too!!!!<P>Take care, I am thinking about you.<BR>Silvress

alien, I just read your post tonight. I am really sorry for what you are going through. I must say you did handle it like a pro! Keep the faith and keep doing what you are doing. You sound like a wonderful person and I just really feel that everything will work out for you and your husband. Let us know how you are doing please....

Silvress,<BR>I'm sorry that your H moved out. Although I sometimes consider it when I'm in my lowest mood, like maybe it's the best way for him to find out how his life going to be like if he leaves me and go to live with her. We are still living together and he might hold his love toward her for a long time this way, since he's never seen her bad side, she's never seen his bad side. (The OW was having a bad marriage and is getting a divorce now. Even before the A, her H told his male friend to "keep eye on her". Can't you see what kind of woman she is? Why can't my H see that, don't you wonder?) They are seeing only the best part of each other right now as lovers and it's going to remain that way, at least for awhile. But I don't have enough family and friends around me to bear the period of separation, I don't think I can make it through. Probably people will tell me that I can, but I'm not willing to, at least where I live now, I just do not have enough support. I (we) might do it though, after we move out to west and make some friends, and after I become confident to be on my own, if he keeps thinking of her or keeps contacts w/her.<P>Now my H acts like he NEVER been in love with me, and he claims he's not capable to be in love with me. Because he's in love with her, because he loves her in romantic way which he never felt toward me. That's a B*** S***! (Oops excuse me!) His thinking seems to shifts a littly by little as the situation changes, I don't know what he thinks and I don't think he knows either. But I got a feeling that he liked the concept of separating "romantic love" and "caring love", that way he can justify his behavior of the A, "I didn't really love my wife from the beginning but I did the OW, it was an unfortunate accident and it was inevitable." He fortgot all of those years when we were happy together, that the very best year of his life was the year we got married. He doesn't want to admit that he was in mid-life crisis like ordinary people, that he couldn't pass the test from God when he got arrogant. Oh god, he was a little bit cuter when he was making his confession to me Friday night, when he was in tears and saying sorry that he can't love me the way I want him to. He is really messed up. I even feel sorry for him.<P>My heart is pretty beaten up flat. But, Silvress, just like you said, it's his loss. He'd better make sure to try hard to love me, and I'll try hard to love him for our two boys sake and my happiness, (oh I forgot, his happiness too). I will try this with all my strength for so long, then if he still can't get over his love in his fantasy world, I will find another good man and I can make this person into my children's father. My children are going to call this person "Dad", otherwise I won't remarry. I'm determined to make a very happy family for my children, no matter my H is there or not. He might still see his kids but he isn't going to be a part of my family, my children's family is always ME. And he'd better realize that soon. His confidence of not loving me is so cruel and killing me, but a lot of couples survived through this. I will try, I promise. And if we fail, oh well, too bad for him.<P>I might not sound very pleasant but I'm actually going to enjoy those instructions Dr. H gave us. We're filling out EN for each other and try to follow them. It was hard to fill out at first but then I feel like "Do we really get to do all of these fun stuff?" My H really follows through or not, that's a different story, but I'm going to have fun anyway. Whatelse in my life if I don't enjoy it?<P>Writing like this clears my mind, it's a good thing to do, isn't it? I went for a walk by myself this morning and it was beautiful. The sun, clear sky, flowers, trees, I saw deer and wild strawberries on the road side. This world is filled with wonderful things, I just realized a part of it today. Sadness always comes back to me, but I'm surrounded by good people and good things too.<P>Confused33, you are very sweet. You gave me a lot of courage and I need them right now. I hope things are going well for you, I'll keep up with your post too.<P>I keep all of you in my prayers. Thank you all and God bless you.<BR>A

I was reading through some old postings and this really struck a chord with me. My H also can't remember ever being as much in love with me as he is with OW now. I tell him he was he just can't remember. He too thinks we have been living together just as friends. He has the gall to think he knows my feelings better than I do myself. He thinks I only love him as a friend. I guess he has to think that way. He never could have had an affair without feeling that he was deeply and totally in love with OW. He says if he could turn back clock to before he fell in love with her, he would. However, he thinks that now it's too late.<P>Anyway, there are more of us with these same experiences and feelings than I ever would have thought. <P>MCMP

mcmh, yes, we are all in the same boat. My H doesn't remember being in love with me as much as he was/is with the OW. Of course, he doesn't really know what love is not ever having had any real examples in his life. He's not even sure if he would have married me if this OW (who was married) had expressed her feelings for him before he proposed. Now, how is that true love. Two people who never expressed their feelings for each other. When I liked someone in HS, I always flirted with them and hung around them a lot. They knew. I can only imagine what I would have done if I had "loved" one of them. I certainly would never have married someone else if I was truly in love with another person. So how can this OW say she was truly in love with my H? If she was, why did she never tell him? Why did she marry some other guy? Why not wait and see if my H ever married or broke up with whomever he was dating? How on earth can you know "true love" in grade school? I believe that they both believe it was true love now. I don't understand this. I don't understand how my H can be so blind. I am sure this girl is very nice, but you know, her divorce has just been finalized. Don't people read the books on dating, don't date a married person and don't date someone who has been married less than a year. Now if I were married, and someone who is going through a divorce was hitting on me, I would like to think that I would be intelligent enough to say, "rebound" and my marriage is more important than this person.<P>Okay, this really led to a long vent. I'm sorry. I'm just not real happy with how dense my H seems to be in this area. He is usually so intelligent. Now he misses her friendship. I don't get this. What kind of friend encourages a break up of a marriage. This is selfishness not friendship. How can he miss someone who encouraged him to throw away all of his principles and completely destroy his self-esteem as the good person that he is. How can he want that back? I'm sorry. I'm on a roll and I can't seem to stop.<P>Anyone who is still with me, thanks for listening.

Lapeine,<BR>I'm convinced that the true love thing is just a fog over our Hs' head. My H is so confused, he needs a help but he refuses it. I don't know what I can do. Nothing but to wait.<P>And I think about your case. You know, your H or the OW are not the same as before. Even if they had the love, nothing could stay the same. Everybody grew old, have more experience, been influenced by other people, in different environment, they can't possibly have the same feelings they had before, if it ever existed. They made it up in their head, and it is not the same feeling they had before, if that ever existed. He met you, loved you, and married you. There were feelings between you and your H. Otherwise the marriage never happened. Now he looks back, and he says whatever. But that doesn't change what they were. I even think it's possible that if you didn't marry him, they never been even attracted to each other again. It's ironical but could be true.<P>I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well. I'm trying to say when they say they had the love all the time, it can't be same love as 10 years ago. It is a fantasy, for any couple been succesfully married. Feelings and people change. Nothing stays same. I really agree with ... can't remember who said this but ... romantic love grow into different kind of love that lasts long, if two of you let it grow, and it's called true love. It takes time, and you are the one has a commitment and a history with him.<P>Just to let you know that I'm feeling the same kind of pain. I wish I could encourage you more. I ramble longer than you do, please come back again and talk...<P>Keep the faith<BR>Amy