Hi, and thanks to anyone who takes time to read. I am currently in a marriage that used to be so happy, but it has somehow gone sour. <BR>My life companion of 4 years have had a online relationship with a person, that lead to them planning to meet.<P>I found out one evening as she was writing how much she loved him, as I were walking in to give her a drink and a hug. It hurt me terribly, and she didn't understand why. She says she can talk to him about things she doesn't want to talk to me about. She will not tell me what those things are.<P>She wants a open relationship, to be sexually with other people, this I do not want, since I feel there is no telling what can happen, or what she might bring home. Is this too much for me to ask her not do?<P>She said she's upset with me, I am unable to hold a really good job, and she wants someone who can make the millions it seems. We moved from ohio to here in Tennesse, because she got a job, a very nice high paying job, but I am unable to find something that satisfies her. We make enough to pay everything for everything, but she always wants more.<P>She said yesterday that she wasn't going to meet this guy as they had planned, but now she has another trip planned, supposedly a conference. She also wants to have a weekend 'by herself to think things over', but I know she is planning to meet someone else at that 'weekend by herself', I found a note. I try to explain my anguish and my torment to her everyday, but its like she doesn't listen, or hides. She said he calls her at work everyday to talk to her, and to play her music. I feel bad for finding the note, and now she thinks I am spying on her all the time, which I am not.<P>We live rather pretty much alone, don't have many friends, but it used to be enough, and we were both happy.. <P>Been reading through things on the website, but I can't figure out what to do, or say to her.. it feels as if everything I do will just push her farther away..<P>Hope someone can suggest something.. please email responses to snowmane@canit.se!<P>/Mike

{{{snowmane}}}:<P>I'm sorry to hear your story. Hang in there.<P>Keep reading the site; there is a lot of good information about how to handle this sort of situation.<P>These things tend to start because of unmet emotional needs. Just from what you've posted here it sounds as though she would like more financial support ( <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html</A> ) and conversation ( <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html</A> ). <P>My advice would be to look for a good job (one that satisfies you will eventually satisfy her, though right now that she is withdrawing from you she will tend to not like anything you do--it stinks but it happens) and to start paying her more attention. <P>Don't try to start on the conversation/affection aspect in fifth gear--if you do you'll sputter and stall just as if you were trying to start a car that way. Ease into it. Maybe a greeting card left on her car or call her at work. <P>The hardest thing (IMHO) is to not "lovebust" (do those things which hurt instead of help a relationship). It's really easy to let the hurt you are feeling to come out and sting your wife, but that will only make things worse in the end. Come here and vent if you need to, but try to present a loving face to your wife.<P>All the best to you, Snowmane, and good luck! --HBC

Not sure what type of advice I can offer. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. There a lot of pain involved and I KNOW it hurts.<P>First thing. Read Surviving an Affair. Implement Plan A IMMEDIATELY. If only I had done this sooner my life might not be in such a mess right now. Do everything you know that makes her happy. She'll come back to you.<P>I give you my strength. I'll keep my fingers crossed. You'll be in my thoughts.<P>Laura

Well, since I felt like going to her job and scream at her, I guess I need to vent here a bit.. =}<P>Today, it scares me to see W this way, in the timeframe since she started talking to OM and some other people, her behaviour has become more and more erratic, she eats less and less.. says 'I am so ugly and fat' more and more often.. which isn't true, but for some reason, when I say it, she doesn't believe it... and just try to get her off the computer when she doesn't want to.. she is so locked on it.. its like almost dealing with a heroin addict who needs to shoot up. I don't think its healthy anymore.. but dont know what to do about it.. And the funnie thing is that she keeps saying she likes it because its a fantasy world.. its easy and convinient.. she doesn't have to tell people about her problems, but put on this other personae.. but then, if she knows that its a fantasy world, how come what people tell her there matters so much for her? The things people say aren't really directed at her then are they, but rather the personae she decides to be for the time online.. She knows that noone there really knows her, but their advice weighs alot more than any real advice it seems.. mebbe because its what she wants to hear without hearing everything that comes with reality? <BR> <BR>I am just seeing a person going a little more each day because of it, and there is nothing I can figure out to do about it.. Its funnie though, when she weren't on the computer all the time, she was actually doing well.. she was happy most of the times.. ate.. listened.. were able to relax a bit more.. now she is just hellbent on meeting everyone she meets online instead.. I am really starting to fear that all we are going to end up with is a funeral.. she can't keep doing this for much longer I dont think, its not helping her, its driving her the wrong direction in more ways than one.. its not only her happiness with a person in life, its also her own personal health and well being I feel..<P>She has had some emotional problems for a long time, but as long as we talked about them, they stayed under control, now that I am unable to talk to her, she is just loosing that control.. which only serves to show that the people she deals with otherwise are unable to help her keep the control over things.. <BR> <BR>There is also tons more.. whats been going on with her mother the last week.. for example.. but I guess thats another story.. I'll just wait a bit longer to see what happens, if things start to get worse though, have no idea what I am supposed to do.. I really love her so much, but its hurting too see her do this to herself.. =/ I'll try to keep her off the computer for a few days and see if helps or not.. But it is really frustrating, and have anyone ever lived with a person that has a eating disorder? Its not always easy, doctors and medications aside.. And I think this adds to the betrayal I felt, its like, 'I've been doing this for you for a very long time, and you dont even see it'..<BR> <BR>Anywho.. thanks for your time and ear..funnie.. I feel like I am betraying annie by wanting to help.. dangit.. <P>But, how do you get someone help who doesn't want to be helped? I truly believe she needs help.. <BR> <BR>