What a horrible bond we all have to have, but this is better than no support. I thought I was the only one, and yet all of these stories are practically mirror images.<P>I confirmed (I can't say discovered, because a big part of me always knew...but like Confused said in her post, my husband was so convincing that I wanted to believe him) that my H had an A a year ago the day that I was to go meet my mother-in-law for the first time (around Thanksgiving). It's been 6 months since I found out, and a year since it happened, but it seems like the littlest things make it fresh again...songs on the radio, driving by the job where my H and the OW met, etc.<P>We were engaged in spring of 1998, but when I found out that summer that I was pregnant, we postponed the wedding until after the pregnancy. He started acting real strangely, going out all the time, spending obscene amounts of $ at bars, and constantly coming home with phone numbers. It got really bad during the end of my pregnancy. My H began working a graveyard shift, and began refusing to touch me whatsoever. I suspected something was up because this was so sudden. He said it was because I was so far along in my pregnacy.<P>One day, I decided to bring him breakfast at his job because he told me he wasn't getting off until 11:00am that morning (OK, so I was actually checking up on him). The receptionist told me that he and "Kristi" had left around 5am together. I began paging him, and when he finally answered, he said he was at a party and was in the shower when I had tried paging him. I called BS on him, and told him I knew about the OW. He said that she needed a ride home, & didn't feel like calling her parents (she didn't have a license - where do men FIND these losers???), but that she was there with her boyfriend. I told him to get home NOW.<P>When we started fighting at home, my water broke. I had to have an emergency c-section because the baby was breach and in distress. When I was able to get up, I checked his wallet and guess whose number I found...the OW's. When I got out of the hospital, my husband was gone during the nights again. I'd ask if she was with him and he would deny it. I went to a job training in another city when the baby was 5 weeks old, and when I'd call home, he'd never be there. Then, when I got home early from the trip, I found a pair of pink socks, a black negligee, and when I went to watch a videotape of my baby, at the end THERE WAS THE OW, PLAYING WITH MY BABY in MY house!<P>We argued and he and the OW kept denying everything, and they truly lost contact (turns out she dumped him for another guy). Then finally I went to an OB, and she suspected that I had chlamydia...during my prenatal exam, I was totally clean. I then called the OW's house, and her mother picked up the phone real defensive. I then told her to tell her daughter that she is spreading disease and needed to go get checked. The mom spilled everything then, saying that her daughter was on the run from the law with this new guy (who she dumped my H for), still had no license, and was pregnant (not my H's, thank God) Like I said, a real winner (plus she was fat and had pockmarks all over her face!) Not to toot my own horn, but I'm an attractive woman, and I've had plenty of chances to cheat, but never did.<P>Anyway, my husband was cornered and had to confess. He said that he knew that he screwed up (but maintains that he ended the relationship, not her), and that he was going to take it to his grave because he was genuinely sorry and it made him realize that he wanted me and didn't want to lose me. <P>It's so painful and such an emotional struggle. I'm totally depressed...I want to have an affair also to show him that it's NOT easy to get over (he'll say that since it actually happened a year ago, I should get over it). It's affecting my son, even at 15 months old. One moment I have no doubts about our relationship and I love him so much, then the next I'm hurt, the old feelings are there, and I want to get a divorce and move on.<P>I'll get off of my soapbox for the moment, but I was upset, and I'd rather vent my frustrations here than start another fight with my H. Later!<BR>

You should definately try to get "surviving an affair". Believe it or not the book does help and it talks about a lot of ways not to love bust...<P>I can relate to what you are saying about losers. My husbands affair was with a person 21 years old (my husband is 36) with two kids, she's never been married to my knowledge and lives in an area that I wouldn't go to with a police escort.<P>Makes me wonder why you would risk losing your family to play with trash.<P>There are lots of people here who can help you. I'm new at this and I don't want to give you the wrong information...<P>Hey experts! Offer some advice! smile

Everbody here can feel your pain. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I don't have much good advice to give you, but this site is a BIG help. Read and post. Make sure to check out NSR's General welcome.<P>Be strong, I keep you in my prayers.

Dear Carolina Belle,<BR> <BR>Welcome to the Land Through the Looking Glass. Have you linked up to Jim (NSR's) links? I don't know how to connect for you, but go to his Temporary Farewell Post. He has lots of good information for us.<BR>I can relate to the pain you're experiencing Today is the anniversary of our Big Conversation. H doesn't even remember, apparently. It hurts my heart, this anniversary of ours. I put a sprig of rosemary in his ashtray this morning ("rosemary for remembrance") before he left for work. <P><BR>"It's so painful and such an emotional struggle. I'm totally depressed...I want to have an affair also to show him that it's NOT easy to get over (he'll say that since it actually happened a year ago, I should get over it)." <P>DON'T DO IT! Don't even play with that fantasy. Of course you could have an affair. It would be extremely damaging, stupid, dangerous. You would lose your moral ascendancy, your self-respect. This type of affair is called a "revenge affair". <P>Of course, you're not over it. My H wants me to "get over it" too. He maintains that his relationship with OW is just a friendship, and maintains the right to take her out on dates just the two of them, and she's a beautiful, successful, educated younger woman. It kills me. He wants to repair things, and for our families to socialize once again. The memories and pain of his deception through the years is too cruel. I compared his suggestion to an exercise in physical pain. I said "If I stick a pin in your arm, it will hurt. You would tell he 'it hurts!'. Imagine me saying 'It shouldn't!' and imagine this exchange again and again. Finally, imagine me saying 'You're just going to have to get over it. There's no reason why this should hurt you. I'm going to continue doing this thing.'" Carolina, he still doesn't get it.<P>Please consider the long term effects on your son of divorce and remarriage. I don't blame you for wanting out. The pain is so intense that you just want to flee from it. <P>But the chances of finding anohter man who won't resent the child of your husband, who will love him and cherish him, are slim to none. It's just a fact of biology. <P>Any chance of counseling with the Harley's or other reputable people? This is a tough row to hoe, I don't know how you could do it alone. <P>Meanwhile, keep coming here, lurking and venting. Read Plan A, Plan B, etc.<P>And take care of that baby! 15 months is an adorable age.<P><BR>I'll get off of my soapbox for the moment, but I was upset, and I'd rather vent my frustrations here than start another fight with my H. Later![/B][/QUOTE]<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess