I am new to this, first E-mail ever. I wish I had found this site sooner. Anyway, a little history- My husband & I have been married 11 years. We have 2 children ages 6 & 10. About 6 months after we married, his 3 children from a previous marriage came to live with us. They are now 15,18 and 20. They have all moved out in the last year. We began talking about the difficulties in our marriage about 2 years ago, and I guess I have following Plan A without really knowing it. We have discussed divorce, and basically decided on a separation for now. We are still living together and getting along pretty well most of the time. He is looking for a place to live, so that could change any time. I have been suspicious for about 1 1/2 years now that he was having an affair. He denied it and I could not find any evidence other than his strange behavior. Well, my suspicions have now been confirmed as I got a copy of his cell phone record through a detective. I haven't confronted his with this yet so he does not know that I know. His mood fluctuates a lot-I guess based on how things are going with her. For the last 3 weeks, he has had little if any contact with her, though is still talking about moving out. We have tried counseling, though he would only go a few times and never really committed to improving our marriage- now I know why. My question is... Do I confront him before he moves out? If so, what is the best way to go about doing this? It will be a real LB for him to know that I went to a detective. He won't admit it, and I have no other evidence. Please advise! Sorry about the wordiness, but I feel like I've barely skimmed the surface.

I hate to say this, but my advice would be to confront him. I found an e-mail and this is what I did. As long as he is denying an A and the OW is still in the picture, your marriage will not work. You cannot live like that.<P>I would do it calmly. I would just ask him point blank if he is having an A. If he denies it, than ask who all the cell phone calls are too and tell him you know he is having an A. My H denied it for two weeks before I found evidence and confronted him. At that point we were able to work on our marriage. We're still working an have a long way to go. This will be the worst thing to do. You may want to read "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson before you confront your H. This will give you the strength not to cry and beg and plead.<P>Good luck to you. We will all be here for you. Try to read SAA and the General Welcome post by NSR. It has a lot of good info.<P>May God grant you peace through this difficult journey that you are about to embark on.

Cloudy,<BR>I would have to agree with Lapeine. You should confront him. Do it calmly. If there is any other info you can get from the PI confirming the affair then have it ready in case your H denies the A. If possible, also read SAA before confronting him. Be ready for the rollercoaster ride of your life. <P>In my situation, I contacted the OW spent some time talking to her. She confirmed everything. She did not know he was married. She did not want to stay with him and was going to dump him. She didn't. He is currently living with her. It's okay though. They're seeing each other in reality rather than fantasy. I have to sat it is helping as he is coming around and his head is definitely coming out of the fog.<P>I wish you the best and good luck!<P><P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

Confront him.<P>Don't tell him you hired a detective. Don't tell him you know about the cell phone bill. He will just get sneakier & accuse you of not trusting him (DUH!)<P>Just tell him you know what's going on. Don't ask him if he's having an affair. He'll deny it.<P>Now when you do this, you must NOT blow up at him and give him a reason to be pissed at you. He will get pissed anyway, but not much you can do about it.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thanks for the advice. I haven't confronted him yet, but I will. He has found a house to rent, so I guess he will be moving out soon. What's really confusing is that we have been getting along really well, doing some deep soul searching together,etc. I just really thought that we were connecting in a way that we haven't in a long time. We have been talking about him moving out for a while now, I just don't understand why it's actually going to happen right now, when I thought things were going better. Anyway, the OW is also married with 2 kids. Don't know what's going on with them. He will not commit to trying to make our marriage work right now. Any thoughts on how to handle things with him after he moves out? Should I Plan A or B? We have not talked at all about what we are going to do after he moves out. I'm so glad I found this site- I've learned a lot already and it's great to know that there is support out there and my story is not as unique as I thought it was.

Cloudy<P>Your H is posessed at the moment. You have to be the strong one. Don't let him move out!!<P>Put your hands on both his shoulders, look him in the eyes and calmly tell him he's going nowhere, he's your husband, he's the father of your kids and that will never change. Tell him (and show him) you love him.<P>Give him time to get out of the fog while you have to be strong... no LB and total support... EN etc.<P>Don't let him move out, but stop the spying. You can tell him you've spied, and know about the A but you have stopped now and will give him the time he needs to get over it. <P>Every time you have the urge to spy and don't, it will be like a personal victory over the devil. Remember the devil caused the temptation that your H gave in to. He also caused all the doubts and questions and pain in your heart. The devil sits and plays our marriages like games of chess and it is up to us and power from the Lord to stop the devil from winning these games.<P>Sorry if above is a bit back to front, but I typed it in a hurry.<BR>___________________________________________<BR>Don't give up, you can do anything with the power of the Lord and succeed<BR>Van

Van-<BR>I would love to be able to keep him from moving out, but at this point, I feel like I'v done all I can. He admits that he may be making the biggest mistake of his life, but cannot commit to the marriage. He thinks that the feelings have to be there to make that commitment and right now, they are not. I've tried to convince him that by making a commitment to learn and meet each others needs, that the feelings will come back. He doesn't believe this. Right now he is in withdrawal- says he doesn't want to meet my needs and doesn't want me to meet his. I've been trying (Plan A) for several months. He only occasionally even notices any of the changes I've made. Anyway, he has rented a house and is planning on moving out in the next 1 to 2 weeks. I don't think there is anything I can do that I haven't tried. I just hope that once he moves out, reality will begin to set in and he will see what he has to lose. I guess only time will tell.