Well... I screwed up to say the least. After a 12 year relationship and marriage with my highschool sweetheart, I had an affair. The result of this 5 month ordeal was a child. Not yet born, but 2 months into the making.<P>My wife reads and participates on this Marriage Builders forum. You have all provided a level of support she needs. I have tried to make things work, own up to my mistakes, answer all her questions honestly, and show her the love that I feel for her inside, that I once neglected.<P>Here is our current dilemma...and I dont know what the correct answer or road to take might be...<P>I want to take full responsibility for the child that will be fathered. I have no feelings for the other woman, and realize it was a mistake. By responsibility, I mean, financially take care when needed, watch the child (after setting up a plan with the other woman), and ensure the child generally has a father figure. My wife has told me that she can deal with and overcome the affair... but she can not deal with me being a father to another child (we have a 2 yr old). It was something she and I were suppose to share... and only us. This is my soulmate...the love of my life...someone I was to grow old with and hold forever. I blew that.. and am lost. Do I just forget this child that is to be born, and show no responsibility.... to save my life with my wife? Or do I accept my error and accept the consequences... the loss of my wife? <P>I dont know if theres a correct answer... my wife tells me to do what my heart says is right. My heart is split... I dont want to lose my marriage... but I dont want to have a child, that is half of me, coming to me in years from now...asking where have I been...<P>Help...

[QUOTE]Originally posted by SoulMate:<BR><B>The result of this 5 month ordeal was a child. Not yet born, but 2 months into the making.</B><P>Ouch.<P>Before you make this life-altering decision, are you POSITIVE she's pregnant? (and. comma, that it is yours?) She wouldn't be the first to try to cement a relationship with a little lie. Or the first to have menstruation irregularities in the stress of a breakup. <P>As far as your W.....I certainly can't say that her position is unreasonable. She has a right to know the truth, and a right to decide what she can and cannot live with. <P>Maybe you can find some middle ground through some negotiation or copunseling. Perhaps she could live with some sort of financial support but no contact with OW or child? Or maybe a visitation situation that would totally exclude any contact with the OW? <P>Also, you can hope that maybe her mind may change over time....but you have to be honest about your own needs and feelings of responsibility.<P><B>My wife reads and participates on this Marriage Builders forum.</B><P>Yes. And your names make it obvious. I haven't been here long, but I know that NSR posted to a couple in a similar situation about the dangers of talking to each other through a message board, with third parties chiming in. Perhaps Jim will jump in here.<P>FYI, perhaps the folks on the parenting/child message board might yield some ideas on a creative solution.<P>I hope you and your wife can reach an accomodation that you both can live with.<P>Here is a Harley article that touches on pregnacy and lovers.<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063a_qa.html</A> <P><BR>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited July 05, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited July 05, 2000).]

SoulMate,<P>As you know there is really no good way out of the mess you have created. However, may I suggest something a little more radical to think about.<P>First, you need to determine that the child is truely yours. I don't want to offend you or the OW here, but Mike's advice is very sound. Get the tests done.<P>Now, I don't know the situation of the mother, but there are a few men on this board who are raising OM's child. So my radical suggestion to consider, is that you and your W raise the child. This innocent child then gets a father and a mother who are married. <P>I know it is shocking but is another possibility. It will take a lot from your W, but it would remove the OW from the equation. In many states the father is automatically considered the father of the child, if his W has OM's child. I have no idea if it works in reverse. I doubt it.<P>In any event, you and your W are in a very difficult situation. But so is the child.<P>Something to think about. If it seems something you and your W want to discuss, you may want to contact "momma" or "K".<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

The idea to raise the OC with children of marriage, removing the OW from the equation is wonderful in theory. I offered to adopt the OC when my H's OW had her child, she flat refused. She said the child was her gift from God and she could not give her up. Also she reminded the OW of My H. So now the Ow is single mother with child who at the age of 6 has not ever had any communitation with her father. Nor does she have a father substitute. apparently the OW has never gotten over My H, so has never pursued a relationship with another man.<P>Hopefully that will change. I guess in future we will have to deal with the OC, if she decides she wants to meet her father and half-siblings.

SM,<BR>My H and I are in the same situation but ahead of you. The OC in our case is 10 months old. <P>First of all, you need to realize that the affair was very devastating to your W. She is in a great deal of pain over that alone. Adding in the OC that resulted from the affair makes the pain and devastation 1000 times worse. It is difficult enough for a couple to recover from an affair but the OC is a reminder that will never go away. You need to realize that it is going to take your W a long, long time to heal. <P>With that being said, your first priority right now should be your family. Your W needs time to deal with this situation. If you don't put all your efforts into recovery with your W, then your marriage will not properly heal. If your marriage isn't allowed the time to heal, then you will never be able to find the peace and happiness and solution that works for you and your W. Your W may eventually be able to open her heart to the OC if she feels that your marriage has truly recovered. <P>You cannot possibly imagine the pain of learning that you are no longer the only mother of your H's children. You have taken something away from your W that can never, ever be given back to her. When I learned of my H's OC, I wanted to die. I was not thinking of suicide but I would not have cared if I had had an accident. But I knew that I had to be strong for our children (we have 3 of our own).<P>You need to think about what life would be like without your W and child. Are you willing to live by yourself and be a part time father to 2 children from different women? Is that how you see yourself? If not, I would strongly recommend that you and your W begin counseling immediately, if you have not already done so. You need to focus on repairing your marriage. There are no guarantees that your W would ever be able to accept the OC into your lives, but what have you got to lose in trying to save your marriage with the possibility that she will be able to open her heart to the OC? <P>My H told me from the beginning that he wanted to be a part of the OC's life. But, he realized that he could never be a father to the OC like he is to our own children. We initially agreed to "babysit" the OC once a month so that he could see the OC. We did that for the first few months but it was very difficult for me. We have held off on seeing the OC for the last few months so that we can concentrate on strengthening our marriage first.<P>I hope this helps.<BR>- Audrey

I really question the motive of being in the childs life. Do you have the very best interest of this child at heart? If so, why wouldn't you want that child to have a full-time father? Someone who is there 24 hours a day, not just on occasion to babysit. In the long run I personnal think the woman having this child should find it a full-time father. That is what a child needs. Do you or the childs mother actually have its best interest at heart? Or are you feeling guilt that you are trying to cover? I think it is a hard decision to let a child go & be with two loving parents. But we all know that a stable family is exactly what a child needs. If she will not put child up for adoption she should at least try to start an independant family for this child. If you have the childs best interst at heart you will step aside. Send money, but stay out of it's life.<P>I hope that you focus on your wife & your family first. Your commitment is to them. If you cannot make the decision to stay out of the childs life, then you must have full agreement with your wife on how to proceed with this child (visitation, etc.). Any thing less is not respectful of her. If you don't recpect her, get out of her life & allow her the opportunity to find someone who will respect her & her child.<P>I know I am strong on this, but I am very protective of children. The so-called adults in these situations need to truely evaluate what is best for the child.

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Soul Mate: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - take baby steps with your W and above all else BE HONEST! My H and still way at the beginning of all this and I found out OW was pregnant 3 years ago. Since then - every agreement we've had has been lie after lie after lie - broken promises - promises to do better and still lies. <P>Honesty is the key. If you and your wife cannot agree - do nothing. I think you need to get your cue from her. Give her some time and love her like you've never loved her. Don't get annoyed with her "moods" or her insecurities - you have put her in that position. Cherish her and be honest with her and that's the medicine you can give her. She sounds like she is just like I was at the beginning - so in love with you and her child that the thought of sharing all that - just is unimaginable. But perhaps, in time, with patience, love and honesty, she will be able to include the OC - but NOT THE OW!!!!! Never, never, never let it be about the OW. She should not control, call the shots - play on your emotions, etc. The OW should more than willing to do what you need to do - if she has the best interest of the child at heart. They all "say" they do - but in my opinion - if they had the best interest of the child at heart - they would have put the child up for adoption - so that the child could have a more complete life as well as the parties involved. (of course that's just my opinion).<P>Lots of luck - love that wife!<P>------------------<BR>

Sir, I'm assuming you have a loving relationship with your child by your wife. How do you think he/she might feel if you dropped their mother, moved from the home, so you could have "visitation rights" with all your children?? Where do you really stand? I can understand that you feel responsible for this innocent life who did not ask to come into this screwed up situation you helped create, but you owe your First loyalty to the family you took VOWS to love and cherish, forsaking all others. Consider the state-guidelines for child support (after the DNA testing!!) to be the main fulfillment of your responsibility. If you are going to ask your wife to go so far as to ALSO accept this step-child into your lives, then you must make every accomodation to her needs/fears. The OC can wait awhile. Your wife cannot trust you now and for good reason. In at least one of her posts here I think I read that she is afraid that you cannot maintain healthy boundaries with the XOW (and plenty of XOW have shown how little they care about healthy boundaries!); it is your job to take concrete actions SHOWING how you are going to abide within professional recommendations re:contact, respect her feelings, and EARN back her trust. That is going to take time. I highly recommend the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring, which does not address the OC but will give you concrete info for recovery in your marriage. Mr. Harley's programs here are also good, though I haven't read his books. Without some recovery first, you cannot expect your wife the martyrdom of giving in to all your wishes in this situation. Psychologically, you have seriously blown her whole world to smithereens.<P>I'm speaking from the experience of having been there. My H's OC is nearly 2yo, and it still hurts. <P>I agree with others--the most loving thing for the OC would be a normal 2-parent home, preferrably adoption, but the biodad will have little say in that....<P>Good luck.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited July 13, 2000).]

Soulmate:<P>When my husband and I went through Retrouvaille in March of 99, just after discovery, the Priest explained that my husband's ONLY obligation to the OC was financial. <P>He explained that the bedrock of our marriage must be our commitment to each other, to remember our vows of FORSAKING ALL OTHERS; and that included the OC. <BR>If there ever came a time where I would be comfortable with any contact, then perhaps we could include the OC into our lives, but until then, he must concentrate on the marriage and focus on OUR family in order to repair the extensive damage done. <P>The Priest said that my husband's FIRST and ONLY concern should be our marriage...that if that was stable and secure, then and only then could any other possibilities be considered.<P>Your wife deserves for you to compensate her for the damage that has been done to her marriage, the destruction of her dreams, family and future, the shattering heartbreak of having her beloved husband share sacred intimacies with someone else that were reserved just for her and having to live the rest of her life with the knowledge that you were capable of doing what you did, ruining the marriage, rejecting her and hurting her after all those years of devotion and love for you.<P>The OC is with the selfish, self-serving OW who kept a child she knew would have no father yet selfishly kept it anyway. She doesn't care about the welfare of the child or she would have given it up to a decent, two-parent, loving home. It's that same selfishness that allowed her to get into bed with a married man and then took no precautions to prevent this ugly, horrible outcome. <P>She had no consideration how her actions would impact your family, and neither did you. <P>Let the OC go until your marriage is completely healed and your wife feels she can be magnanimous enough to include the OC into your lives without a lot of embarassment and heartache. <BR>Your only duty is to your wife at this point. Everything else goes on the backburner until your wife lets you know when and if she is open to other inclusions.<P>Good luck<P>Catnip =^^= <P><p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited July 13, 2000).]

Great responses...<P>The ideal is always to have 2 loving parents... so the idea of the OW giving up the child (if it's yours or not) for adoption is the best.<BR>Unfortunately this decision will most likely not be yours.<P>If she refuses to give the OC up for adoption... what is best?...<BR>What is best to have a <B>healed</B> marriage. When you are married you are to be an unseparable union...<BR>Only if your W can fully accept this child (to raise it with your own) does it make sense for you to do this.<P>You will be punishing her, your own child, and your marriage.<P>If the OW refuses to give up the child...<BR>(for adoption)... and desires to raise it herself... you should bow out. Responsibility of monetary support will still be there... you can't avoid that... now should you run from it!<P>I did accept my stepson (W's first marriage)... and knew I would bring him up as a son (not stepson)! That is what the OC also needs. If you insist on putting yourself into the role of it's father... you will be excluding a "whole... heathly family(H and W)"!<P>But your marriage has to come first.<P><B>NEVER</B>...<B>EVER</B>... consider "loss(ing) your wife?"!<P>If the OW doesn't give up the child for adoption... it will have to be on <B>her</B> conscience that the child grew up without a father. You can't force anyone to do what is right!!! Don't beat yourself up on this!<P>I'll be praying for you...<BR>...your W<BR>...your child<P>...the OW to make a wise decision<BR>...the OC to have a loving adoptive family<P>...Love to all of you!<P> <P>Jim