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Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 7
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Lhomme Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 7
For background please read Stay or GO.<BR>Additional Background: the OM is also married<BR>but his wife lives in another state and he commutes back and forth on the weekends.<P>Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the anger, pain and fustration instead of bitting your tounge while in plan A? Also I have another question? My wife says she is tired of trying and wants the relationship to have no expectations...I guess this means no sex and she wants to further the relationship with the OM...Should I ignore that the affair is on going and act if nothing is going on? And stick to plan A or should I keep reminding her that it hurts, but still stay in Plan A?<P>Because everytime she leaves the house to go out, I know she is going to see him...For example this holiday weekend she went out Thursday night to meet with him, because he was going home for the weekend and she would not see him till Wednesday...<BR>So she spent the entire time with me from Friday till Tuesday...Come Wednesday she was gone all day, Thursday, gone all afternoon and now today(Friday) she is gone....But she wants to do something when she gets back from wherever she gets back from...So it seems, she likes to spend time with him when he is around...and when he is gone its me...should I let this continue? I feel kind of used in the fact when he is not around I'm the next best alternative. Also she shows me some affection with unexpected hugs and kisses...So what the heck do I make of that? Finally one last question...I got her to read Dr. H's book "Surviving an Affair" with me and we went over why the affair happened, or the conditions that set up the affair and we both agreed both of our needs were not being met, but now she is using this information to justify her affair and throws it in my face that I was not meeting her needs and the OM is and that is why it is still going on? Has anyone come across this? any Advice?<P>Thanks<P>P.S. Sorry about the Post Title...My attention to detail is a little bit sporadic these days...I'm sure most of you would understand...Thanks again in advance <p>[This message has been edited by Lhomme (edited July 07, 2000).]

Joined: Jun 2000
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Joined: Jun 2000
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Well I'm not sure what the right answer is but for me I could NEVER implement plan A while the affair was going on. Well at least right in front of me.<P>During my H's affair I rendred plan A without even knowing it. I had found out my H was "talking" with someone. After the anger died a bit I started Plan A. I wasn't sure nothing had happened yet (and it didn't) and I knew my marriage was in trouble. So I started taking care of us as a couple. Planning alone time. <P>Surprises I knew he'd love. It was shortly after I discovered their "talking" that the relationship became physical so I had not had a chance to make an impact on my H. But within several weeks (not without many setbacks and love busters along with Plan a) did my H decide he wanted me and only me. Yet he had already obligated himself to this OW and didn't know what to tell her. So had only started avoiding her until I found out he was still in touch with her.<P>During the time between the 2 discoveries I had sensed and feelings that he was in touch with her. But I had no hard proof. When he came home late it was a constant battle. When it was real late I told him not to come home at all. I was better off emotionally knowing he wasn't coming home that wondering "when" he was coming home.<P>So for me if the affair was still going on I would render Plan B so I could start to get on with my life. While some of those nights he ended up sharing a bed with OW, at least he wasn't sharing a bed with me in the same night.<P>But do what's right for you. If you can't plan A knowing the affair is continuing then Plan B. If your W is throwing it in your face and saying "you're still not meeting my needs" when you are trying to, then don't meet any. I hope this helps. It's harder to do than say I know. But it is what it is. If you can't stand by during the affair take care of yourself. Good luck. LSM

Joined: May 2000
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Lhomme (interesting nickname, mine's French too, BTW), I couldn't sleep in the same bed with my H while he was still communicating with OW. The night he broke contact with her, we slept in the same bed again. I didn't want to move to Plan B--one because I didn't know about it at the time, and two, because if you can Plan A for awhile and meet your spouses needs, your marriage has a better chance of surviving even if you eventually move to Plan B.<P>Now, how do you do it. Well, not very well at first. It does get easier, and eventually it becomes pretty natural. I mean. I have tried to look at it like we are not married. We have just met. I'm interested in him, and I want him to be interested in me. I have basically tried to begin courting him. Sending him notes, kissing with no expectations of it going any further, holding his hand, etc. You know, the romantic things that he did for me that attracted me to him before he popped the question.<P>Start courting again. Buy a book on how to romance your woman. Those books must be out there, and if I had to guess, that's what the OM is doing--romancing her. You are now in direct competition with this other guy. Do you really want him to have your wife knowing that the statistics say it will end badly for both of them. Fight fire with fire and make yours bigger and better. Go for it! You can do it.<p>[This message has been edited by Lapeine (edited July 07, 2000).]

Joined: Dec 1969
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Joined: Dec 1969
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L'homme, history has shown that the meek do not inherit the earth. Your wife's behaviour should not be accepted. What she is doing is showing complete disrespect for you and for the marriage. Her behaviour will continue unless she sees that you would rather divorce her then continue on this path. I recommend you read the book by Dr.James Dobson titled "Love Must be Tough".


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