i would like to pose a question to those of you who have been betrayed and were told about it by your spouse who had made a decision to end the A already. would you rather not have been told?<BR>i'm asking because i am wrestling with whether or not to tell my H about a 2.5 year A that i just ended. i have a great H, and i made a terrible terrible mistake. i was in love with the OM, but we both decided that we had too much history with our spouses and we do love them. we both realized that there is hope in both of our marriages.<BR>i'm having a hard time dealing with the possibility of hurting my H. i can't justify my behavior in any way. the only problems we had was his lack of conversation.<P>my plan has been to just make his life as pleasant as i can. i feel like i have just emerged from a two year depression. we're having fun again. what do i do???<P>jill

It will be very difficult, but I think you must tell him. Your honesty about this and your feelings towards him will speak volumes. However, might I suggest reading a very useful book first called "After the Affair" by Janis Spring Ph.D - read it cover to cover. The final chapter deals with just what you are dealing with.<BR>Good luck my dear.<BR>

Jill,<P>You should post this question in the Recovery section or the General Questions section. I think you will get a broader response.<P>I won't respond, since you know how I feel. <P>Hang in there. By the there is another Jill on the board and she faced the same issues and decided not to tell her H. There were some long discussion posted to her. You might want to look up her postings.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

If I were your H, I would rather not know. As you want to keep your marriage intact - I can say as a H that I would rather not know. THis may be terrible advice but I am a pretty mainstream person and it would be very difficult for me to let go of the anger. However, it is also possible that the marriage cold b/c stronger. I have no idea.<BR>However, if I were in your shoes, I would prob. tell my W as the guilt would be too great for me to handle. I also would live in constant fear that she would find out. I think I just convinced myself that you are better off telling him. Sorry<BR>

Dear JillG:<P>I think you need to tell your H. This is simply because of lies you may want to avoid telling in the future. He has the right to know and the right to deal with the consequences thereof. I know you want to save your marriage and keep it intact, but I have to say that the affair negated the vows you spoke on your wedding day. I'm not trying to be cruel but I think you both need to start from a clean slate. The guilt may be a good reason to tell, but I think a better one is to give your spouse the power to also have some say in your marriage. I think that often it is said that telling is selfish. I disagree because I think the most selfish thing to do is to break promises and control a situation to a point in which the other party has no idea they were broken and has no ability to feel hurt, anger or abandonment. If I were the one cuckolded, I would instantly want to know. I would like all the information - so that I could make my decisions regarding the feasablity of the union I was commited to. I know that you are very very sorry for the affair. Now, it time to give him the truth and also to love him enough so that (if he choses to) he can he leave you or have the ability to work on this partnership of yours. I think that truly is what marriage is to be - a partnership. Love him enough, so that he may be your partner, so that the two of you can work this out TOGETHER.<P>best of luck,<BR>oak

I don't believe you can have the marriage you truly want if you don't tell. <B>BUT</B> I don't think you should just tell him without preparation. Unless he has been totally out of touch for the past 2.5 years, he has probably realized something is off and had suspicions of your affair. Obviously there have been problems in your marriage as well. I encourage you to get into counseling.....qualified marriage and family therapy with someone who is committed to saving marriages....and do some careful preparation before you tell. Don't just drop a bomb on him.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><p>[This message has been edited by HGBrawner (edited July 15, 2000).]