OVer the past one year, my wife and I have been growing apart. I have been spending too much time at work and we have both developed sperate interests. She has confessed to me that she is attracted to her boss whom she places on an intellectual pedestal. <BR>According to my wife, tHis week, several workers went out for a drink. After a few drinks, my wife and her boss confessed their mutual attraction and both decided it was not good.<BR>My wife informed her boss that she "needs to get to know him better" to remove him from this pedestal. This sounds very troubling.<BR>I am also having trouble following the advice on this website as I am extremely hurt and angry at her. She wants to spend quality time with me and for us to once again become best friends, but I don't know if I can. <BR>SHe promised me that nothing physical has occurred but she has been "emotiionally" cheating on me.<BR>I think her "wanting to get to know her boss better" to remove him from this pedestal will destroy our marriage - or whatever is left of it.<P>------------------<BR>

<BR>Dear marc1234, <P>Welcome to our sad little club. You are right, your marriage is in trouble, and your wife is treading on thin ice if she thinks that by getting to know the man on the pedestal she can make him appear less glamorous. That rationalization legitimizes spending more time "getting to know" each other, more intimacy, more emotional intoxication, because the supposed reason is to make the object of desire less mysterious and glamorous. What actually happens is that time spent "getting to know" the other becomes precious and special and fun and novel. Time spent with old reliable Spouse who has cultivated separate interests and whose underwear she sorts and folds impinges on the special time with the man on the pedestal. <P>That your wife is emotionally involved with this other man means she is in the beginning stages of an "emotional affair" or EA for short. <P>I've been dealing with this for about 4-5 years, and the *** just hit the fan a year ago and I'm still wiping up the mess.<P>At least she's talking about this with you, that's the up-side. She's throwing you a line, don't blow it.<P>Someone will be along soon to help you negotiate the site and learn about Plan A/Plan B. Meanwhile, be nice to your wife until you can figure out the computer site. (And continue being nice - pay attention to her and listen. And don't neglect your health, or diet, or medicate yourself with alcohol. I know I sound like a mother, but going to seed will not make you look more desirable in your wife's eyes. Especially if she has another man on a pedestal, even intellectually. )<BR> <BR> And if you can get to the place with the book orders (Honest, I don't work for the Harleys) buy their books. THe audio tape about jump starting the marriage is excellent. <BR>You've come to the right place. People here are serious about saving their marriages.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited July 12, 2000).]

Dear Bellevue:<P>Thank you very much for your response. We are meeting tonight to disucss a plan of attack. THe problem is that she loves her job and and is about to be hired by a consulting firm to work for her current employer and the job will be too good for her to pass up. <P>I really believed our marriage was rock solid. She told me that she definatley takes me for granted as I am the stable, reliable and caring husband that will make a wonderful father.<P>We have been trying so hard to have children and today was her due date. I saw that the pregnancy test was negative and she told me she was relieved. That was a crushing blow as we had been trying so hard.

I agree with you. I don't think getting to know her boss any better will do anything to help you - only hurt you. She may be right in her evaluation of him and putting him on this pedestal - so therefore - she falls for him - where does that leave you? Why would she pursue "getting to know him" if she's married anyway. I'm sorry, but perhaps being the victim of an affair - I am being colored by these "explanations" of why it's right to talk to this person and that person and to "get to know them". Why does she need to get to know him on a personal level? I see you're in for trouble if she does this - and I think that it is very disrespectful for to even think you would "go along with such". I think you should sit down together and see what she hopes to "gain" if she continues down this path and what she is willing to lose. Hang in there - and be tough.<P>------------------<BR>

Dear Daycare:<P>Thank you for your response. I feel like I am at a cross roads of either saving my marriage or ending up divorced.<P>I printed out various articles and my wife and I plan to spend the evening together sorting out what went wrong. THe articles here pretty much summed it up, lack of quality time, no conversation, relationship with co-worker.<P>We plan on reading through the materials, such as how to prevent an affair and the emotional needs questionaire. <P>This is such a total shock. I guess I just assumed everything was ok and that our marriage was fine. I guess the fact that I have very little needs that must be satisfied <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Daycare Disaster:<BR><B>I agree with you. I don't think getting to know her boss any better will do anything to help you - only hurt you. She may be right in her evaluation of him and putting him on this pedestal - so therefore - she falls for him - where does that leave you? Why would she pursue "getting to know him" if she's married anyway. I'm sorry, but perhaps being the victim of an affair - I am being colored by these "explanations" of why it's right to talk to this person and that person and to "get to know them". Why does she need to get to know him on a personal level? I see you're in for trouble if she does this - and I think that it is very disrespectful for to even think you would "go along with such". I think you should sit down together and see what she hopes to "gain" if she continues down this path and what she is willing to lose. Hang in there - and be tough.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by marc1234:<BR><B>THe problem is that she loves her job and and is about to be hired by a consulting firm to work for her current employer and the job will be too good for her to pass up.</B><P>This is the worst news I've seen. If her intellectual boss has a brain in his head, he will not sleep with a direct report. If she becomes a vendor, that concern may be partially or totally removed. I'd hate to think that one of them are feeding this consultant's interest for that purpose.<P>Marc, you need to do 2 things immediately.<P>1. Get your W to break off ALL CONTACT with this guy. If she is being wooed by a consultant, she ahas an opening to do so easily. Make her assignment to another division or move if you have to. That is Harley's advice, and it is sound. Beyond removing mutual temptation from harm's way, it will also help alleviate your very real concerns about their relationship. If she loves you, she will appreciate this. Whatever financial hiccup that may occur will be nothing compared to a divorce.<P>2. Either read this site and the Surviving An Affair book from cover to cover, or spend $85 for a phone consultation with the Harley's or both, preferably. You have a window here where you need to get on track. <P>You don't realize it now, but you are incredibly fortunate. Swallow your anger, see this for what it is, a wakeup call, and be glad that your wife was open enough to share this and moral enough to avoid an affair. <P><B>We have been trying so hard to have children and today was her due date. I saw that the pregnancy test was negative and she told me she was relieved.</B><P>Sorry to even type this out, but I hope that wasn't because there could have been a paternity question. <P> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited July 12, 2000).]

Dear Mike C2:<P>Thanks for your input but I believe her when she told me she has not had any physical contact. She has thus far been upfront about her attraction and is trying to deal with it and to preserve our marriage.<P>She works for a city agency and the agency does not have the requisite funding to hire her - but a way around it is to have a consulting firm hire her. THis is legit and is only evidence of gov't waste. In any event, the consulting firm is only hiring her to specifically work for the city agency. <P>Thanks for your advice and I have been busy printing articles off the website and will try to schedule an appt. with a counselor

Hi, marc1234.<P>What a crock. "Only by getting to know you better will I be able to take you off this pedestal."<P>And this guy is buying this? <P>Sheesh. <P>OK, now you've met Dazed and Confused. <P>I'll tell you from personal experience: When you find yourself THAT attracted to a co-worker, there's only one thing to do: Find another job. I don't care how much your wife loves her job. She either has to get out, get transferred, or find herself in serious trouble.<P>I got out. I saw what was happening, and it scared the sh*t out of me. The mere fact that I had pangs about never seeing the guy again after I found another job meant I had to find one.<P>My H found himself in a similar situation a couple of years ago. He didn't get out. He got fired defending her (and his other work-friends), but stayed in touch.<P>As for you, my friend, you're going to have to suck up the anxiety and Plan A your little heart out. If you're like I was when I realized what was going on with H and OW, and if your wife is really motivated, you'll have good results quickly. One of the first things you have to do is start spending more time together doing things you both like to do. While she looks for another job, of course.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Dazed and Confused:<BR><B>What a crock. "Only by getting to know you better will I be able to take you off this pedestal."</B><P>Yep. A pickup line if there ever was one. <P><B>When you find yourself THAT attracted to a co-worker, there's only one thing to do: Find another job. I don't care how much your wife loves her job. She either has to get out, get transferred, or find herself in serious trouble.</B><P>Concur. This is the best job market of the last two milleniums. It is pennywise and pound foolish to risk your marriage for a paycheck.<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by marc1234:<BR><B>She works for a city agency and the agency does not have the requisite funding to hire her - but a way around it is to have a consulting firm hire her. THis is legit and is only evidence of gov't waste. In any event, the consulting firm is only hiring her to specifically work for the city agency.</B><P>Please hear this. Find another job for her away from this guy immediately. The income you lose will be the best investment you've ever made. You can do it now or do it after a raft of more heartache and marital damage.<P>

Dear Dazed & Confused & Mike:<P>SO far we are committed to working this out. I explained that one of the reasons we don't converse as often, is that all she talks about is work, which really makes me uncomfortable and a bit angry. <P>I explained to her that I am a man with little needs and sometimes forget that she is not the same and has many needs and a very short memory.<P>Do you feel as comfortable with your husband as you did before his relationship with the other woman.<P>I explained to my wife that I am only 29, my maternal clock is not ticking and that I am not afraid to be out of this marriage, but that I would rather keep our marriage intact. <P>My wife's sister believes that my wife's increased self-esteem and confidence is due to my support and the fact that she has such a stable home life, which she is entirely taking for granted<P>She thinks that if I stayed at a friend or a family member's home for a few days to think things over, that she would suddenly realize what she is risking.<P>I am so far undecided.

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Marc1234, sounds like you basically know what you need to be doing with this as far as evaluation of your marriage & doing Plan A stuff. I would not advise moving out at this time. It just doesn't seem right for now. That is a drastic move and you are not there yet. <P>You didn't mention if this OM is married. If he is this is a whole other issue. Why in the world would your W find a married man attractive? But agin, you haven't said he was married so I shouldn't go there. <P>You & your W have a lot of good reasons to pull this together even if there are no children yet. Get over your anger. It could have been you finding someone else attractive. The bottom line is, anger & pain only keep you apart & serve no real purpose but to punish. My H had affair with co-worker. All that anger did was eat me up. No one else really cared. Having the maturity to get over it helped pull us together. <P>I also bet the consulting firm WOULD NOT hire her if they knew of the relationship. If she loves this job so much she sure isn't too protective of it. I hope you can work all this out. <P>Carolyn

A question I have for all that have responded to my situation - first, everyone is obviously having their own difficulties but my question is - When did marriage b/c work. We have been married 6 1/2 years. Until recently, it just came naturally for both of us. <P>IT seems that everyone in this chat room is still married - but is the marriage as strong as it once was. I told my wife that I just don't want to go through this again in two years. <P>Right now, I want to call her at work and tell her I love her. But I don't want to suffocate her and let her fell in control. Other times, I want to tell her "I'm out, I'm 29 and very compatible with most females - while she is very difficult and no one else will ever put with the crap that I put up with AND that her maternal clock is ticking." I have not said that to her as I want ehr to be honest and do not want to punish her for being honest. <P>She told me that it boils down to:<BR>She loves me - can't imagine life w/o me<BR>My support helps her cope with daily life<BR>I keep her sane<BR>I am boring - we don't talk enough - I believe this is due to the fact I HATE talking about her job - which occupies her thought process 24/7.<BR>I don't read enough.<BR>I work too much.<BR>I used to be exciting but no longer am.<P>I believe that most of her complaints are recent, as I am commuting 1 1/2 hous each way by car, I am working for her family's law firm while I try to build up my own practice, I am doing my own work on weekeneds FOR OUR BENEFIT. I come home absolutely exhausted. I have been told by other attorneys that moving will make me more sane and fun again, as I will want to do things after work - which I have no interest in doing now.<P>

Another question for everyone.<P>First, the OM is not married.<BR>Second, my wife is only in the office three days a week. The problems really occur when everyone goes out for drinks afterwards.<P>What I didn't mention previously, is how all of this came about. Last Thursday, while my wife was out drinking with co-workers and OM, they both admitted their mutual attraction. She came home at 11:30 w/o ever calling. Needless to say, I didn't know what was said until a few days later, when her friends told her to come completely clean to try to work this out.<P>Howver, when she arrived home at 11:30, I went ballistic as I didn't know what to think and I was really worried about her safety. At midnight, she said "let's go to bed" (we always go to sleep together and hold for about 1/2 hour.) I told her to go to bed by herself and to pretend that she does not have a husband - since she had pretended the entire evening by not calling. This appeared to really hurt her and looking back, I'm not sure if it was the fact I wouldn't go to bed with her or the ramifications of what she ahd done.<P>I HAVE TOLD HER THAT I WANT TO WORK THIS OUT BUT DURING THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, I DON'T WANT HER TO GO OUT FOR DRINKS AFTER WORK. This cuts into my quality time with her and if she does go out for drinks - this will push me over the line to the point where I may not be able to try to make this work. Do you think this is a good idea ?<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by marc1234:<BR><B>First, the OM is not married.</B><P>Well, that is a negative. One less hurdle.<P><B>Second, my wife is only in the office three days a week.</B><P>Is this a part-time job?<P><B>Last Thursday, while my wife was out drinking with co-workers and OM, they both admitted their mutual attraction. She came home at 11:30 w/o ever calling. Needless to say, I didn't know what was said until a few days later, when her friends told her to come completely clean to try to work this out.</B><P>Are you saying this conversation happened in front of the co-workers?<P>Also, it disturbs me a little that her friends and her sister are all knowledgeable about this. Time and again it has been said here that these things should be kept inside a marriage. <P><B>I HAVE TOLD HER THAT I WANT TO WORK THIS OUT BUT DURING THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, I DON'T WANT HER TO GO OUT FOR DRINKS AFTER WORK.</B><P>Well, duh <P>The advice you are getting here is pretty uniform -- get this guy away from your wife. If she is not willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to accomplish that, you have a serious problem. She needs a new job totally away from this guy. Now.<P>Also, you seem to be taking a very hard line with her. This isn't litigation, it is a relationship. You don't have to tell her you're considering your options and how marketable you are. All that does is make her think that the damage is irreconcilable, and make her start considering a relationship with OM. You have to tell her you love her and want to have a great marriage. Then focus on what you have to do to get on that track.<P>You don't seem to realize that danger you are in. Your wife has expressed an emotional attachment to an available man, and he has said he shares her feelings. They are in regular, prolonged contact with each other out of your presence. Further, she has clearly expressed to you that you are not meeting her emotional needs. AND, she is telling her firends all this! One thing people who are considering straying fear is the censure of their friends should word of an affair leak out. She may be preparing her social circle for such a revelation.<P>You need to move, bud. Get in counseling, get in Plan A, get her away from this guy, as in NO CONTACT.<P>

Is this a part-time job?<BR>It is essentially a full time job - she is slowly phasing out her other job in a differeny field that is 2 days per week.<P>Are you saying this conversation happened in front of the co-workers?<BR>I'd assume it was in private but I am not sure.<P>Also, it disturbs me a little that her friends and her sister are all knowledgeable about this. <BR>She always discusses all her problems with a select few. I am disturbed that this is out and I am purposely not discussing it with my family - alhtough I may want their insight and support - I don't want them to harbor any ill will towards W.<P><BR>You need to move, bud. Get in counseling.<BR>We have an appointment for next Monday.<P>The only hard line I took was when I decided I wanted this to work - but I didn't want her to think I was too weak to leave or make any demands. I told her I loved her.......but that I could live w/o her and it is harder to act lovingly than to just go into withdrawl. <P>