Is it best not to find out some of the details of the affair? I have asked my H and he has answered honestly (I think!), but some things he says he doesn't remember. Sometimes I would like to ask OW, possibly to see if he IS being honest, but also to find out some of the things he "doesn't remember". Are these things better left a mystery?

I ask myself the same question. I keep asking questions about it. If I recall correctly in some of my readings it's been said that yes you should go back and learn everything about the person. They must be an open book to you. But once you've done this you can't keep going back and digging up the past.<P>I feel it might do more damage to know EVERYTHING. Even though I want to. If you trust your H is 100% committed to repairing your marriage try not to dwell on what happened during the A. Maybe you shouldn't know all the details. Anyone have any other opinion on this?<P>Just be confident in who you are and where you are going. Take Care of yourself. Don't be a doormat. LSM<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate

After reading the posts of many other people here and then mixing in my own experiences, I'm inclined to say that most of the details of affairs are best regarded as History.<P>For the most part details will simply give you more things to dwell upon and will, in the future, take the joy out of many otherwise innocent things. You don't need to know that they went to <I>that</I> café, saw <I>that</I> film, drove down <I>that</I> road. Everytime you see it, you will cry inside. Same with music, what they ate, and all those kinds of truly trivial things. This kind of "knowledge" can mess with you more than you can imagine.<P>You do not need to know anything more about the sex. It is hard enough to avoid your own imagination, but when you know reality the images never leave, it can be nearly as bad as having actually seen it.<P>You do not need to know things about the other person. Every detail is a opportunity to beat yourself up for not being different from what you are, for not being the other person.<P>Even knowing the other person's name will make you uncomfortable every time you hear it. And may even make you unfairly judge others who bear it. But, this will likely be something you do need to know in order to not be wondering about everybody you meet, and also for you to confirm that there is no more contact.<P>You need to know the truth about anything that can come back to haunt you in the future. Is there any chance that you will be confronted by some one, or will notice a slip of the tongue, or could discover something (receipts, tickets, cards, etc.) that will bring back all the stuff you felt when you first found out? And it comes back full force for a l-o-n-g time. Think about it. Ask him to think about it if you can do it without his feeling that you are lovebusting.<P>I feel a need to know who else knew of the infidelity. I want to know who I have to be wary of, who I cannot trust. Not everyone would want to know this.<P>You need to know that your spouse has no diseases to pass along and/or that you haven't 'acquired' anything already.<BR>You need to know if there is a pregnancy involved.<BR>You need to know that the affair is over.<BR>You will need to know that your spouse is committed to you and your marriage.<BR>You need to know what each of you needs to address in order to prevent a recurrence, or even a retaliatory affair.<P>In a little different sense, something both you and especially your spouse truly need to know is that recovery from the wound inflicted when one's spouse is unfaithful takes a long, long, time. Just the spouse's admission, apology, and promise to never do it again doesn't make the hurt go away. (And that's if they will do those things - many spouses won't.) <P>Basically, you need to know whatever it takes to keep you and your your spouse and your marriage safe in the future. No surprises down the road. Most of the rest is superfluous junk.<P>Get the books. Read them and all of the articles on this site. If you and your spouse are ready to move forward, these will provide a wonderful basic blueprint for rebuilding. If you're not there yet, there are many strategies for surviving and growing until you can do more.

There's the saying "Knowledge is Power", but I think that in this case it just isn't true. I know quite a bit about the OW and even some details regarding their sexual encounters. It doesn't help - really. In order to move forward and to focus on each other, you can't dwell on "them" and what happened in the past. Easier said than done,I know. Just hang in there!!

its very possible the Ow will exaggerate or excessively put the blame on your H so she doesnt look like the bad guy. She may also take pleasure in putting the knife in if she feels betrayed and she may also take some satisfaction thinking that you dont trust your H and try and start up again, so<BR>in four words <BR>DONT ASK HER ANYTHING

I was so glad to read some of these replies. I have been at another site before finding this one and I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me.<BR>My H has answered any question I asked,has been very good about making me feel secure and loved,seems to really want to rebuild our marriage and is trying had to meet my emotional needs.<BR>The other site seems to be filled with people who say they are constantly thinking about the betrayal and are having difficulty moving on with their lives. Since I wasn't feeling or thinking these things, I felt that somehow I was missing the boat so to speak.<BR>Thank you for helping me feel "normal".

Whether to get all the details or not varies from person to person.....some don't want or need them and others need all they can get. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to go. What I do believe is that you know yourself best and you know whether your imagination is going to make you crazier than the details will. I also believe that you must be prepared to hear the details you ask for....they may be worse than you anticipated and they may be less.<P>I also encourage you to accept your husband's "I don't know/remember" answers as best you can. If he has answered your questions honestly and given you details, then it is very possible that he truly doesn't remember some things. I took that as a sign that the affair didn't really mean too much to him....especially since he remembers details of our marriage that I've long forgotten. <P>Bottom line.....no matter how many details we get or how many questions we ask, we will never get information that will make the affair make sense. We want to understand it, but in reality, it is not an understandable thing. An affair is based on lied, deceit and dishonesty....it is a senseless act and no amount of information will make it make sense. When I accepted that, my need to know more and more got less and less.<P>And lastly, <B>don't</B> ask the ow for details. Her recollection of things will be different than your husband's and she will put her own "spin" on it....that wouldn't mean he wasn't honest with you, just that she remembers or wants to remember things differently for her own reasons. What she thinks or remembers is irrelevant to your marriage....concentrate on you and your husband.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><p>[This message has been edited by HGBrawner (edited July 15, 2000).]