Hi,<P>My Bio: <BR>Age-39<BR>M-19 yrs<BR>D-Day-6 wks<P>Well it's been 6 wks since D-Day. She says loves me,he is out of the picture. I should<BR>be feeling better huh? But I don't,it seems to get worse everyday. I'm thinking about leaving, I have got to find someway to feel good again. My question is this; We live in<BR>a small town, no one else knows about the OM.<BR>She meet him online and saw him out of town. If I spill the beans will it just make it that much harder to reconcile if the whole town knows about it?

Welcome - you have made the right decision to come here. My d-day was about six weeks ago. My H met the OW online as well. We live in Canada and she in the States - had to fly two hours to rendezvous in a different city. Did that twice only, but the last one was for four days! My husband is home with me, has cut off contact with the OW but still cannot say he loves me as he fell deeply in love with her! However, we are in counselling together and reading lots. We have two small children and we both want to work things out not only for us but for our wonderful boys.<BR>So, your wife says she loves you and you don't feel better about that. Of course not! <BR>Even though those are words I'm desperate to hear from my husband, the fact that he's actively working on us is important. The words don't change what happened. Are you both talking about this? Get Dr. Harely's book surviving an affair - one that I am still trying to track down, but everyone here applauds this book - even our counsellor. Another book that my husband and I have read is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring PHD. It's wonderful.<BR>You won't feel better for a long time, it is a roller coaster of emotions and it is with you every day. Exposing it to the town won't help at all and would probably drive you apart. Do you have a reliable person you can talk to? Are you able to get counselling?<BR>When you need to vent and say angry things, be sure to come here first before you launch into your spouse and potentially do more damage - really - this site is just awesome.<BR>I know exactly how you are feeling my friend. <BR>It's so hard to be feeling this much hurt and anger and to have these feelings daily when you didn't deserve it, when it wasn't your choice. How could someone you loved do something like this? All those questions hit me daily. I pray, I come to this site, I read, I try to channel things before I talk to my H.<BR>My thoughts and prayers are with you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Strong Quiet Type:<BR><B>If I spill the beans will it just make it that much harder to reconcile if the whole town knows about it? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>YES ! DON'T TELL ANYONE!<P>You probably feel the need to get counsel or sympathy from friends and also punish your wife by talking about it. DO NOT DO THAT. It will complicate your recovery immeasurably, perhaps fatally. If you need to talk or vent (and you should), do it here or with a counselor.<P>MB suggests that you examine the reasons behind your W's affair as a means of building a stronger marriage, which is the best way for YOU to recover emotionally and forgive her. You should take the Emotional Needs questionaire and Lovebusters questionaire to find where the two of you can connect better. <P>First and foremost, get Harley's book, Surviving an Affair. Second, there is a series of articles here that many have found beneficial in your place. They include information on ending an affair (for sure), overcoming resentment, and building a stonger marriage going forward. Give them a read: <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html</A> <P>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited July 15, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited July 15, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited July 15, 2000).]

What you are experiencing is a normal reaction to this shock....inability to sleep, loss of appetite, inability to concentrate....all normal. Your desire to run away is also normal, but I encourage you not to follow through with that.<P>I strongly encourage you to seek out a qualified marriage and family therapist...I prefer a Christian therapist myself. I also strongly encourage you to find the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder....it is available online through Amazon.com. It is the best book I've read....and I've read several...on the subject of recovering from an affair. After the Affair by Janis Spring is also good....it has a list of the physiological effects of the affair on the wounded spouse that will help you feel a little better.<P>I can't lie...you are in for a long road here. Restoratin of a marriage is hard work and will probably get harder before it gets easier. You must dissect and deal with the affair and also with the issues that existed in your marriage prior to it. Understand one thing though <B>you are not responsible for your wife's affair.</B> You <B>do</B> bear responsibility for your part of the problems that existed in your marriage, but your wife made the decision to be unfaithful without your input and that is her responsibility alone.<P>I can tell you with absolute certainty that if you will make the commitment to healing and restoration, you won't regret it. That commitment means staying when you want to run and doing some tough self-examination. It means your wife must do the same things. My husband and I are almost at the 2 1/2 year mark since the revelation and end of his brief affair and I assure you that we have a marriage that is strong, happy, and magnificent. It <B>isn't</B> perfect, though...because neither of us is perfect...but it is honest and open and stronger than it had been in a long time before the affair. I give God all the glory for that. He was with us every step of the way, from orchestrating the revelation through each step of recovery. We had the free will to run away and mess it all up, but I am so thankful that neither of us did.<P>This is long, perhaps longer than you are ready to read, but I hope you can find some hope for the future in it. You <B>can</B> overcome this!<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

Thanks Alberta,MikeC2, and HGBrawner, I really appreciate your imput. I have read alot of the MB material since finding this<BR>site a couple of days ago. W and I looked at<BR>the emotional needs article together and dicussed all of them. We are talking alot, more than we have ever talked. I think she is truely sorry for her actions and takes full responsibility. We love each other and<BR>very close emotionally right now. We have agreed to meet each others needs, so I guess<BR>overall we are lucky. All that being said, I<BR>still find the pain almost impossible to take<BR>sometimes. From what I have read, I know that<BR>is a normal reaction. I'm hanging in there and I think with gods help things will get better.<P>Thanks again for all your support.<BR>