Well,first Ineed to tell you that I am Strong Quiet Type's wife. He turned me on to this site and I am so glad---it's really great. I never thought he cared for me enough to be hurt like this---and really I didn't do much THINKING period. We bothhave jobs that have a lot of stress, then there's 3 sweet boys, and I'm working on a Master's degree. A lot was/is going on. But I can say that when he confronted me and I saw what I could lose (a good marriage of almost 20 years) I WOKE UP---I'll dop anything to make this work---I love him as I have never loved him before and we are very close---we talk so much and this man who says he's never been romantic or "thoughtful" turns out to be the most romantic man I could hope for. He leaves little notes, he calls at work to say "hi", we do so much together---it's a NEW WORLD and it's wonderful! I don't expect the healing to be instant but it realllllly hurts when he keeps going over and over the same things after Ihave told him. I swear to the good Lord I am being honest---I will NEVER risk losing him again--and when he dwells and dwells on the past it makes it harder for me to heal too. We are both trying very hard but I hurt so badly seeing him hurt like this--it breaks my heart. We had grown apart and I honestly thought he had been doing the same thing (affair) but now I truly understand he wasn't. Please Please Please someone tell him to hang in there and make this marriage work---we are on a big roller coaster right<BR>now and that is the hardest part. I believe we love each other more than ever and I truly think this thing (him finding out) can turn out to be a good thing for us---I don't think we would be here any other way except a dramatic scenario. <P>I just want help with helping him through this---I was stupid and I'm sorry for what I did to get attention but I can't change the past and I bet we have talked 50 hours or more in the past 6 weeks about this--talking is good but dwelling on the past is bad.<P>HELP tell me how to help him---he is crushed and is afraid he can never trust me again. I can assure you he can but I know it will take time. If you have been good enough to read this long letter, thank you and PLEASE say a little prayer for us---I love him so much. And I need input---lots of it---so please let me know what you think!<P>SQT's wife

SQT's wife<BR>The first thing I can tell you is that the more you can face his anguish and his anger without getting defensive, the better he will get. And the more you let him see your anguish, the better he will get. His need to ask you the same questions over and over, even when you have already answered them, is normal. He is trying to somehow make sense of what you've done....and at some point he will realize that no amount of information can make such a senseless act make sense.<P>I strongly suggest that both of you read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It is written for both spouses to read and has the best information I've found on restoration. It will help each of you to understand the process that the other is going through.<P>You are <B>very</B> early in this process. You will continue to talk more than you thought possible....and you'll cry more tears than you thought a body could make. You will feel wonderful one minute and wonder how you will make it through the next. I encourage you to cling to each other during this time....even when it hurts to be together hold on tighter.<P>You can take some proactive steps to help your husband begin to trust you again. I believe it is up to the unfaithful spouse to rebuild trust by becoming a totally open book. This means you don't make a move without his knowing where you are going, what you are doing, who you are with, and when you will be home. If your schedule varies by any amount of time, you call to let him know. You share email and voice mail with each other and above all you let him know if you even pass the om on the road much less have any email, phone or personal contact. <P>My husband and I were literally attached at the hip for nearly a year after the revelation and end of his affair. We went to the grocery store, ran errands, and did everything together.....not because I insisted on it to keep tabs on him, but because both of us felt safest when we were together. It was agony to be apart to go to work...we probably talked on the phone every hour for a long time. He initiated all of this....I never had to demand his being open and honest with me and that helped me to begin trusting him again. When the ow called him at work, he called me immediately...when she instant messaged him, he printed it out and brought it home for me to see. He wrote her an email in my presence telling her he was totally committed to me and our marriage and that he wanted nothing to do with her.<P>You sound truly broken......and at the risk of sounding harsh, I think that is good. Not because I rejoice in your suffering, but because I believe you must be truly broken to understand the depth of harm that has been done and to truly repent and begin to rebuild what was broken. I also believe that brokenness is the beginning of healing for both parties. My husband was broken by the sin of his affair and I was broken over things I had done wrong.....the affair wasn't my fault, but responsibility for part of the problems that existed in our marriage was.<P>I realize that I'm putting more responsibility for the healing process on you right now.....and my personal opinion is that when both spouses want to heal that this is the appropriate way. My husband put his own healing aside for a long time in favor of mine and our marriage. This was such a sacrificial and loving thing for him to do....and it has strengthened my resolve to see him find personal healing. The more he concentrated on me and my healing, the more determined I became to see him heal as well.<P>This is a crisis that can be overcome....you can find healing and restoration if you are willing to do the work.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

I am so glad you are here. Please listen to EVERYTHING HGBrawner said.<P>She took the words right out of my mouth. I have been trying to get my H to understand this is what he needs to do. But I've been having to beg him to do so. He feels policed and he doesn't like the feeling. What her H did was "EXACTLY" what she needed and as you can see it worked. You may feel exposed but it's the only way you can help your H heal. But with your H's love for you he won't let you be exposed for long. Together you can protect each other and love each other and be happier than you've known. But you have to take risks and this is one you'll need to do. Open yourself up. Let your H in. Together you can be something more special than you could have imagined. But you need to allow him to ask the questions. Realize this is his time of need and he is reaching out. Reaching out for reassurance, comforting, love... When he begins asking question, "dwelling" he needs you the most. He is struggling to reduce the pain and in doing he starts to ask questions. Even if you have to stop what you're doing take his face in your hands and just remind him you love him more than anything and you want to be with him forever. You could tell him this 100 times a day and it would only scratch the surface of what he needs.<P>I realize you are hurting because of what you did and it hurts you more to see the damage done to your H but this hurt is minor compared to what he's feeling. Your H is the one who is injured and he needs you to nurse him back to health. I believe in both of you and I pray to god things get better soon. My eyes are filled with tears because I see the hope for you. I hope you both see it to, grab hold of it and "Never" let it go. What you have is precious, don't let anyone take that away. LSM<BR>

my 2 Centavos worth. I was the strong and silent type like your hubby. My wife made a couple of mistakes and it was like I hadn't known real pain in my life until then. What I did discover was that I had indeed been doing some things terribly wrong for a very long time. She begged me for affection for years but I remained the strong silent type, why? You tell me.<BR>Anyway it has been over two years and there is life after an affair IF you really do love each other. I have changed and now I shower her with affection and you know what? I get it back tenfold. Our marriage is better than it ever has been in the 30 years we have known each other. But it was at a very steep price in that I don't think I will ever have the blind trust in her that I did before. Sadly that is true.

NeverAgain<BR>I don't think any of us will ever have blind trust again. <B>But</B> I don't think that is such a tragedy. I believe blind trust is based more on assumption and what we want to believe rather than on openness and honesty. The trust that we build after an affair is based on complete openness and honesty on the part of both partners....even when sometimes that openness and honesty is painful. So I believe the trust we build is actually better than what we lost.<P>I think most marriages go through periods where one or both spouses isn't doing all they could....bad habits develop over time without our even being aware of them. Sadly, sometimes one spouse uses this as a justification for an affair. While I do believe that the conditions of the marriage create a vulnerability, they are <B>never</B> a reason or justification for an affair. Like most wounded spouses I sometimes blamed myself for my husband's affair, but he <B>always</B> quickly corrected me and reminded me that I had no blame for his bad choice. Don't blame yourself for your wife's affair....accept blame where it is appropriate, for your part in the problems in your marriage, but never for her choice to be unfaithful.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

Thanks to everyone for your replies---keep'em coming---they really help. SQT and wife are making this reply---as a team--as it should be. <P>SQT: I appreciate my wife for trying hard and supporting me. I know I've been hard on her but I really thank her for wanting to make me feel better and she has. I love her more than anything in the world and I think we'll get over this if we can keep a positive attitude. She is really a wonderful person and I couldn't have made it without her standing by me. <P>For any of you who may be reading this who are young married people and trying to "get that nest egg built": Don't work so hard on getting ahead in life that you get behind in your marriage---it's not worth it!!!<P>SQT's wife: Well, you can all now see why I love this man so (refer to above)--too bad I couldn't have seen it all along. Thanks for the replies, especially about the trust you build after the affair being better than the "blind trust" from before---it was a great comfort. We are early in the process and I admit I continually wait for the "shoe to drop" but I pray with time, I'll feel better. I am simply amazed at all of you and the support you so unselfishly lend to others---this site has been a lifesaver for us. Thank you and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue to pray for us---it is our best support of all. Much love to you all....<P><BR>