My sister has suspected at least an E/O with a co-worker for several months; caught H lying about communications, etc. - same old story, lie lie lie - Well their relationship turned into a physical fight a couple of weeks ago - after she had "caught" him at the girls' apartment. He decided to move out (in with his mom and dad). He denies a P/A (but then who knows); since that time - he does what he wants; his mom cooks and clean and washes his clothes - he doesn't have to answer to them - because he is 29 years old - been married 5 years and has a 3 1/2 yr. old daughter; however, he still comes to my sister's house in the a.m. - just lets himself in and if she is asleep he leaves her a note on the fridge - or if he calls for a long time (like this past Sat. night) and she was totally innocent - I was there with her - and our 2 daughters) and she just didn't want to be "available" to him - then he came by the next a.m. "just to check on them" (again, letting himself in - finding them asleep and leaving a note).<P>I told her I think he's got the best of both worlds - he says he needs "time to think" whatever that means. What should she be doing in this situation - Plan A/Plan B? She wants her marraige to work - but he is living like a single man - and I think him getting to have contact with her is simply making everything full circle. She checks the board occasionally - and wants to be a member - but is to timid right now - please can you help her?<P>Also, with me - My H and I - married 6 yrs. in September - 1 D 3 1/2 yrs old - 3 yrs. ago told me OW was pregnant with his child - OC now 1 1/2. I have come around and have welcomed OC into my life for the sake of our family and marriage - find out numerously that he and OW are still "together" she says still intimately - he denies (of course). He has promised 14-15 times that he will never talk to her again except in my presence, never see her - ya da da. I know you all are saying Plan B Plan B - well I've tried - he won't leave - and then I sit and think I never did do a good Plan A - I never did - I lovebusted all the time! Should I try after 3 yrs. of an affair to Plan A FULLY for a set period of time and then consciously do Plan B - or should I just cut my losses and say "he'll never change, Plan B?" Please help guys.<P>------------------<BR>

Hi DD. I've been worried about you. So have a few of us on Pregnancy/Child. Check in will ya?<P>First off I think your sister needs to post herself. We need to see/hear where she's at. It's funny but you can hear the pain and emotions in someone just from their post. Then I/we can give her the advice or assistance we have. My inclination is for her to Plan A and Plan B. Since he has moved out then she shouldn't allow him back in or to come and go as he pleases. She should tell him that she loves him but he needs to make a decision. But do it as nice as possible and make sure he knows the love she has yet the strengh she has.<P>I want to give more but have to say I need to hear from her. Try to get her to post. She'll feel so much better. I'm so glad you two have each other. I'm sorry you both are going through this at the same time but I believe your guardian angle has found you for giving you each someone for support. My sister is a year older (I'm 29) and she knows nothing. We are so close. We talk at least 5-6 times a week. She knows there's problems with my H and I but nothing about the affair and nothing about OC. I can't tell her. My H and I haven't decided who to talk to, I'm ashamed to tell her, I don't want her to hate my H, on and on. I think she'd be a great source of support for me but not sure she'd be able to separate her "protectiveness" from the situation. So it's eating me up I can't tell her.<P>As far as you DD, It sounds as though you're doing much better. Still confused but much better. If he won't leave and you don't want to do it forcefully then Plan A. Don't start beating yourself up. I would NEVER be able to Plan A while the lies were still pouring in. In fact I LB big time over the recent development (under pregnancy/child). I didn't care. I will not stick around if he's going to be with this person or even talking to this person or even thinking of this person. While I want my H in my life and love him unconditionally I won't allow this. He needs to decide what he wants and fight for it will all his being. I won't have it any other way. I can't. I'm starting to come to terms with it now. Anyway quit taking blame. Plan A your butt off however just let him know you NOW are waiting for some sign, confirmation, proof that he's ready to start your lives over and is committed to only you. Until then plan A with a mindset of you need to get over him. I may have to do this myself if I don't see any effort. I wish you and your sister the best of luck. Cross your fingers for me. This is the last chance I'm going to give. If I find anything else I have to close the door. I don't want to have a heart condition at 29 years of age. Nor do I want my baby to look at me and ask me if Daddy made me mad. I'm worth more than this. And so are you. Good Luck. Hugs & Kisses LSM

Yup... your sister needs to post for herself. It isn't hard. Isn't costly. And the timid can roar here (if they want to). May be JUST WHAT SHE NEEDS!<P>Speaking of timid.... DD you just kill me! I have told you before to get on with Plan B. But if you think you didn't Plan A as best you could, well.... go for it now! The OW is a manipulative pain in the butt! I cannot beleive that your H would continue to run with her if you were doing a full plan A. And remember, Plan A is for YOU! Becoming the complete happy, beautiful, content, peaceful woman you are meant to be. Someone who refuses to let other weak-minded folks manipulate her happiness through their goofy actions. Become a queen. Become too good for all their cr*p to even come close to touching you. Show them your dignity. The OW cannot go there... she has no dignity. And if your H doesn't figure out where he needs to be, then go for Plan B. <P>Keep going... Carolyn