Hi all,<BR>I really wish I had found Marriage Builders sooner and had read some of your posts. Let me pass along my story and see what what you think.<P>For the past year or more I have been heavily involved in my work (career military) and was promoted to much greater responsibility than ever before. W has been heavily involved in completing her college degree, participating in church choir (as do I when I can), and taking care of our Son. During this period I felt some strain but always put it down to just that and never took any real action to change it. In April an opportunity came for me to get a lower stress position overseas and take my family with me, I felt it was just the thing we needed to get a fresh start. Before taking the job W and I discussed and agreed it would be a good idea, although she did indicate she was a little upset that she would not be able to put her recently awarded degree to work right away. <P>In May we had a very long talk about "drifting apart" and feeling disconnected. I made an effort to cut back at work. I attended a stress management course and shut the computer at home down to avoid spending hours surfing the web. During this period things seemed to be improving but were still strained and we did have couple complete blow ups. Then came D-Day, June 12, a call from our choir directors wife came to the house demanding my wife call her as soon as she came home. W called her and when she got off the phone was completely silent, I asked her to tell me what was wrong and after some hesitation she told me she was "in love" with this woman's husband, that he was there for her and they connected (EA), together they shared thier problems and later they kissed but did not have sex. She said she had felt an attraction for quite awhile but when he kissed her and proffessed his love she knew it was right (I was supposed to be with them that night but was wore out from work and told her to go ahead without me, OUCH!). Over the course of 2 months they met secretly, while I was at work and OMs wife was gone, and at times when I took my son to sports and before choir practice, I was always late for that. The OMs wife found a letter from my W to OM confessing her complete love for him and her desire to find out even more about him once they could escape their spouse's. <P>Needless to say I was stunned, I roller coasted from anger to depression to sadness for a long time. She told me she didn't know what to do or where her love for me had gone only that it was gone. Needless to say many nights ended in tears and in complete disasters. Along the way she would change from going to overseas to work things out and then to living alone and then to being with the OM. Each time I would try my hardest not to engage in LBs (Although I really didn't know about them). Unfortunately I am a victim of military training, confront your problem, tear it a part and solve it so you can move on to the next problem At times W would start a conversation with me or make a joke about the OM or question my love for her or ask me what I expected her to do next (like I'm an expert at this) and eventually these would lead to angry outbursts and serious judgmental behavior on my part. <P>Finally she left the house for a week to sort things out, She returned to the house last Friday and we went out alone together, things were doing OK, uncomfortable but OK. She said she wanted to go overseas with me and see if she can find any feelings for me. Then she began a conversation on the topic of Love, which led to me making a comment comparing myself to OM (stupid!). Of course you all know where this led, at the end of the night she informed me that if I could not get over what she had done then she would have no choice but to leave, amazingly a little light finally came on in my head. Maybe it was me who was looking for more than an I will try. Anyhow that is when I found this web site and after reading almost everything on it I have decided I will try Plan A at home and avoid all LBs. As for W, she says she loves me , but is not "in love with me" she says she doubts there can ever be a physical "us" again because she has found something so much more than we had and she deserves to have it all, she also has told me she can't and won't stop thinking about how sex would be with OM.<P>Here is where I have a problem: W will not avoid contact with OM. W claims they can remain friends. OMs W will not allow him to see my W if she knows about it but they have their codes and meeting places. W has quit the Choir, because of OMs W threats, but still finds ways and reasons to contact him. Of course OM does the same, told his wife he would try but still contacts my W, even called the house then said he was calling for me. Right now my thought is to let it go, we will be on a plane overseas in less than 30 days. I plan to show her how much I care between now and then and step it up a notch when we get overseas. My main concern is that right now she seems to have placed a timeline on her finding her feelings for me, she talks about a year or so, and she has already approached our son about where he wants to live, how he would feel alone etc.<P>Right now we live in the same house, she sleeps downstair I sleep Upstairs, when she wants to talk I listen, If I talk she shuts down and it takes everything I have to just say goodnight and walk away. She says she is uncomfortable in my presence, she doesn't want me to look at her for long periods of time, and touching is out of the question. On the upside (??) she will discuss her day, we can talk about our days, we do joke a little, and she we can discuss family buisness in a level manner. <P>Any thoughts? How do you keep your mouth shut and think positive when W is going through so much? How do you be supportive and upbeat while everything you do seems to be questioned?, if I say I love you she respond with "I know you do" or "why do you keep saying it", if I help around the house she says"How can you change so easily?" or "You never did these things before so why do them now". <P>Sorry this is long, this is the hardest thing I have ever faced and I was not prepared for it and I don't know how well I can make plan A work.<P>Please pray for me to have stregnth<BR>Thanks<BR>Fixer95<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Fixer95:<BR><B>Right now my thought is to let it go, we will be on a plane overseas in less than 30 days. I plan to show her how much I care between now and then and step it up a notch when we get overseas</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is an enormous advantage. You're goal should be to make sure she does not back out of that move. She will probably test you between now and then, consciously or subconsciously. Stay in Plan A...find the strength.<P>Obviously, true healing will not begin until an extended period of no contact gets under way. You will have the OM's W as a ally in this while you are overseas. <P>Your story is a very common one...drifting apart, feelings of "not in love anymore"....it seems hopeless, but others have rallied back to build even stronger marriages. <P>Your wife is in withdrawal right now. Read the articles here. See if she will do the EN and lovebuster questionaires.<P>Have you tried counseling? Would she go? Surely the military provides something in this area...maybe your chaplain?<P>Also, you might try a phone session with Dr. Harley. <P>Hang in there! It sounds like you are doing the right thing instinctually. Let this site help you work out the details.<P>Mike <BR>

Welcome <B>Fixer95</B>...<P>I see you've done some good research on Plan A... that's great!<P>As a summary, I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Also, do read my post ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> with special emphasis on <B>PTC</B>!<P>Use us as your support group...<BR>...we're worth your effort!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited July 20, 2000).]

Thanks for the encouragement<P>Mike C2, Yes the two of us went to a chaplin here but I think it was to soon. She would not have told me about this if the OMs W hadn't caught them.<P>The situation with the choir made it even worse because she is feeling guilty for the damage she has done to the choir as well as all of our lives. The chaplian did do a great job of pointing out all the similar factors between thier involvement and when her and I first met and also making think about why she feel in love with me. But, right now she rejects most of that and just says "this is different" or "we are soulmates". Of course he also laid out the religous side for her which she did not take well and then shut down. Right now she is not willing to talk to anyone she wants to be left alone and to think a lot. <P>I must admit I did get some chances but usually took it to far and ended up doing damage. I think I have finally found the strength to not do that anymore. If I see the chance I will try the questionaires.<P>On my own I have sought out some individual counseling and have been participating in a healthy thinking support group at mental health. Since we are getting ready to leave it is hard, but I will pick it up at my next place. <P>NSR, Thanks for the reminder about PTC that can't be said enough!<P>Thanks<BR>Fixer95 <P>[This message has been edited by Fixer95 (edited July 21, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Fixer95 (edited July 21, 2000).]

Fixer95<BR>Actually, your military training will be a great asset to you as you go through the healing process....at least once your wife decides to join you. As the wife of a retired Marine Corps officer, I know that attacking the problem head on, killing it, dissecting it, and then burying it is the right way to reach complete healing. I think where you may have encountered problems is in the erroneous belief that this is possible in a short period of time. The battle that is being waged in your household is not one that will be won in a few weeks or even a few months....this is a battle that takes time and effort and diligence to win. But it can be won!<P>I encourage you to find the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and take it overseas with you. It is scripturally sound and absolutely the best book I've found on healing from affairs. You might also want to get a copy of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman....it has nothing to do with affairs but will help you help your wife to find the feelings of love for you that she thinks are gone. She is buying a lie in her supposed feelings for this other man...her path to happiness is with you.<P>The bottom line is that there is always hope as long as you are married. Moving may be helpful but it won't be a cure....I encourage you to seek marital counseling when you reach your destination.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

HGBrawner,<P>I've already got the book "torn asunder" and it is a good one. My wife found it and read it, then told me how it didn't apply to her because her situation is different. I just let that comment go and reread the book, the only downside is that it seems to move forward the WS must at least acknowledge what they are doing is wrong.<P>The chapter on EAs looking for release describes her situation perfectly. Her entire focus has been on finding and building up my faults and she is convinced that OM is perfect in everyway, except that he married the wrong person for him. Last night she took a few minutes to let me know she couldn't see how she would ever love me like a wife should love a husband again and that her feelings for OM are so right they can never change. (seems I heard her tell her sister that about me 17 years ago) But, she still says she is going with me even though she feels trapped into doing it, according to her the entire overseas assignment is just a grand scheme to make her have no one but me to talk to (funny I got the assignement April 25 and D-Day was June 12, Hmmmm). She also is very selective about her memory right now, seems our entire life together has been about me.<P>I do have some other thoughts about the weekend I will post on the PLAN A board.<P>Thanks<BR>Fixer95<P>[This message has been edited by Fixer95 (edited July 24, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Fixer95 (edited July 24, 2000).]

Fixer95,<P>You should find the posting here, that discusses all of the things that the betrayer have said to justify their behavior. It may be in NSR's archives. If you find it, read it. <P>It will make you laugh. Your W has not said anything that literally hundreds of posters here have not heard or said before. HGB has given you good advice, it will take time, but remember this, she will be in withdrawal for a period of time. During this period many justifications will be made but if you continue with Plan A they will melt away.<P>Her infactuation with the OM will fade, but you need to understand how all of this came about and begin to address your role in it. It is really all you can do. This is not really a military campaign in the sense that you can win or lose by overcoming the foe. Your W will have to decide to want to be married to you and to love you. You cannot make her or control her. <P>However, your training of focussing on the goal, will help when all she does is hurt you. That will happen, she will test you and test you. Here is where focussing on the goal will help.<P>Hang in there and keep posting. This is a good place to vent and get some great insight.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Fixer95, I'm with you even though I'm not military. I feel like if there is a problem, you jump in, attack it, and defeat the enemy. Unfortunately, my H doesn't feel the same. He like to procrastinate. That's not really it, but he hates responsibility and so he will avoid the issue rather than try and solve it. I'm ready to jump in with Plan A, see a some results after a couple of weeks, and move on with our lives avoiding these mistakes and problems in the future. <P>My H seems to like the fog. He doesn't know what he wants. Well, I guess he wants a divorce, but if he wants one that badly right now, he'll have to do it. I'm still working on saving the marriage. He doesn't know how he feels. He's just in the fog. Your W is probably the same way. It's waiting for them to come out of the fog that is so difficult for those of us who like to plan the attack, execute it, and then tackle the next problem. This is one that we can't treat that way. Think of it as waiting in a field and seeing someone walking toward you in the distance. You can't shoot until they get close enough for you to confirm that it's the enemy. Well, you are in the field, your wife is walking toward you and you really can't do anything until she decides whose side she is going to fight on, yours or the OMs. So you just keep waiting and letting her come closer. It's very much like being a sitting duck because what happens if she decides to blow your heart out. You're dead. End of story. Gosh, that's a terrible analogy. I'm sorry I wrote it, but it has some merit, so I won't delete it.<P>Good luck to you. I hope that you don't shoot too soon.

Fixer95:<P>I'd encourage you to purchase some of Harley's books as well---probably "Give and Take", "LoveBusters", and perhaps "Surviving an Affair". Surviving an Affair is probably most appropriate for you right now---it can help you with a clear strategy on how to help your wife with withdrawal. In addition, I'd highly recommend that you cram in a few counseling sessions with Steve Harley here at MarriageBuilders (888-639-1639). Steve can help you focus on your initial goals in dealing with this affair, and he is a terrific motivator. In addition, he'll be able to recommend a plan to put in place while you're overseas, should you not be able to find adequate marriage counseling.<P>I'd say your prognosis is good for recovery, if you continue on establishing a consistant track record of new (good) marital behavior---which is the hallmark of a good Plan A. Realize that what you do can affect your marriage (for better or worse), and make the right choices in dealing with your wife's affair. It'll take time and effort, but you'll find the rewards worth it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lapeine:<BR><B>It's very much like being a sitting duck because what happens if she decides to blow your heart out. You're dead. End of story. Gosh, that's a terrible analogy. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This analogy is not as bad as you think because it sure feels this way, it also has one other aspect; Every few days they fire a few bombs into the field just to see if you'll turn tail and run. Right now I can tell you that I'm not going to run or send any bombs thier way. I agree with you if she wants to leave then for now she will have to leave, I am going to give it my best.<P>Thanks everyone<BR>Fixer95<P>