Hi all. This board seems so great and the Marriage Builders website is awesome. <P>I found out my husband of 3 years was having an affair less than a month ago. I had suspected something only after some suspicious behavior on his part, and decided to do some checking and found out he's been having an affair with someone he met online. While he claims that they never physically met, I have my doubts. I do know they emailed and talked on the phone and professed their love for each other. I think that he told her he loved her is the most devastating thing for me.<P>What's also difficult to deal with is the wave of emotions I've been experiencing. They have run the gamut from anger to hurt to deep confusion. My H's reluctance to really come clean with me or allow me in what he calls his "personal business" makes me even more upset and confused. I don't feel like I have been told everything, and I can't be sure that the affair is over. I just don't trust him when he says it is. I mean, he's been lying to me for months about everything.<P>In spite of it all, I've been trying to be more emotionally attentive to him, realizing that was one of the reasons he went seeking an affair. But the hardest thing for me to deal with is that I was feeling the same way he was, that he didn't pay attention to me or respect me, but I didn't have an affair. And now I almost feel like I am betraying myself by giving him what he wants and still not getting what I need. I'm sure that sounds selfish, and that's how I feel. I feel like I want to make things work and I am willing to do what it takes, but in the very next moment when I see him just take take take, I feel like I'm not getting my lovebank filled at all and I'm running on empty. <P>I do love him, but I'm not sure this all can work out. I'm not sure he is willing to stop doing the things that he does that hurt me. I am very willing to try to change the behaviors that have hurt him, but I don't know if he is willing to change his behaviors or even sees how they affect me. And I have to wonder if I wouldn't have just picked up and left if it weren't for our son. <P>I am sooooo confused because my heart and my head are telling me two different things and I don't know which way to go.<P>Thanks for listening...anyone with any input...please feel free to respond. I need support desperately, and his personal counselor doesn't want to see us for couples counseling until he has a few more sessions with him.

adamanteve (interesting name...):<P>Sorry to say "welcome", but this site is very helpful. The story you tell is very familiar, so please do take comfort in the fact that where you're at and the path you need to take are well-trodden.<P>Jim (NSR) will be by with the welcome wagon. In the meantime, I'd highly suggest that you buy the book "Surviving an Affair" off the website here (or at Amazon or your local bookstore). Right now you need to listen to your head---don't make any major decisions. You should be focusing on eliminating those behaviors that hurt your husband. I know that this will be very difficult as you're hurting probably more than you could have ever imagined. But almost all affairs end, and you can put yourself in a good position to recover your marriage, even if your husband doesn't participate at this point.<P>The other piece of advice that I'll give you is to try the counseling through MarriageBuilders, if you can possibly do it. I counseled (via phone---888-639-1639) with Steve Harley, and his sister (Jennifer Harley Chalmers) also does the phone counseling. Steve was terrific---he was a lifeline, a great coach, a terrific motivator, and a source of incredible knowledge on how affairs work, and what to do to combat them. He helped me with a plan (the "Plan A and B") to restore the marriage. It took a long time and a ton of effort, but we have been very successful. Please consider counseling with him (or Jenn). <BR>

You are very wise to come here. D-day for me was almost three months ago. My husband met someone online as well, and they did in fact meet each other - twice. Quite a feat since we live in Canada and she in the States - had to fly two hours to get to meeting destination. My husband fell in love with her. Boy does that hurt! The affair lasted two months, but the feelings are still there although contact is over. We are rebuilding. There is hope for you - really there is. My husband took some time but he now is focusing on us and our children although he cannot say he loves me yet and is still grieving the loss of his lover and all the emotions of his affair. I'm being the best Wife I can be for him, and am working towards permanent change in my behaviour as well. It is such a rollercoaster of emotions - pain, fear, hurt, anger, love, hate - I have good days and bad and so will you. Read the books, get the counselling, come here often - read and post often. Take care of yourself.<BR>My prayers and hope are with you.

Welcome <B>adamanteve</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You can afford a short step back...<BR>...do the research that is in my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> link.<P>Consider, at least for the immediate future, working on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>Prayers for you... <P> <P>Jim

adamanteve welcome to MB. Unfortunately.<P>You are at the right place for support. You will receive the best advice you could hope for. And you will make more friends than you could have imagined.<P>Just keep in mind things are still new. while your H says he's in love with this girl, can you really be in love after a short period of time and before you ever meet face to face? It takes years to fall in love. Good times and bad create the bond you and your H have for one another. Read the recommended books. They are tremendous insight into your faults as well as your H's. You will learn a great deal over the next several weeks. Plan A. Remember the man you fell in love with and chose to be your H. Remember the things that made you happy. Look at your H as that man. Not the lost soul he is today.<P>I too was unwilling to allow myself to touch and hold my H the way I use to because I held so much anger next to my heart. But this was only destructive to me and our marriage. It's poison. I'm sure your needs aren't being me and neither are his. Try to find your way back to each other. For your son's sake and each others. I have hope for you. Good Luck. And keep us posted. We'll be here for you. LSM<p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited July 25, 2000).]

WELCOME! It's been a year 1/2 since I've felt those tremendous emotions and I can only say I am sorry anyone has to go through this. I can also tell you that if you handle this right you can turn it around into something so much better, I should know, I am there. My marriage was in such trouble, but I had never thought he would cheat on me and yet he did. <BR>We did the counseling, the other things is the book by Janis Spring, "After the Affair" and the Harley principals are great basis for restarting your marriage. Or even just boosting your own self esteem up, which is one of the bad effects of an affair.<BR>Take the time to looks at Jim's links and read the books. I think also the most important thing I learned was to BREATHE!!! <BR>I would get so upset that I couldn't breath and that made it hard for me to think clearly. Take that moment before you say anything to anyone to breath and think things through clearly!<BR>I hope this helps and know that your in my prayers.....God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Rest assured you are not alone. I found out about my husbands affair three months ago and the pain is still there. It does get better the more you read and talk to the people here. When you feel like venting this is the place to do it. The "experts" here will share their experiences and it will help you get through each day. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks all for the warm welcome :-) In a way, it's nice to know that I am not alone, although I do feel badly that everyone is going through so much pain here also.<P>Thanks again for sharing with me and helping me to see there is support out there.<P>April

Sorry, double post....<p>[This message has been edited by HGBrawner (edited July 28, 2000).]

What you are experiencing is a normal reaction to this trauma....don't beat yourself up. You are not wrong for feeling frustrated and even angry that you are working to express your commitment and love to your husband and refuses to reciprocate.<P>I encourage you to get into counseling asap and find positive ways to express these feelings to him. If you hold them inside, they will eventually come out and it probably won't be pretty. It is important to try to behave <I>con</I>structively rather than <I>de</I>structively. My personal opinion is that face-to-face counseling is best. Most counselors rely on more than just what is said in a session as they guide a couple through the journey of healing their marriage. Watching body language and interaction between the couple is very important and can say more than words in many cases. There are many wonderful marriage and family therapists out there and many of them will work with you on cost if that is an issue.<P>I also encourage you to read the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. I believe it is the best book available on restoring a marriage after an affair. I also found some very helpful information in After the Affair.<P>Keep in mind that this is a process and it takes time. Also keep in mind that no matter what was wrong in your marriage or what you have or have not done, your husband's choice to have an affair is not your fault. You can recover from this and build a magnificent marriage.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>