Sorry, no one replied to you yesterday. My H and I have been in counseling since d-day. The first sessions were hard. Even now, we have some tough ones.<P>First, do you like your counselor? Did you interview him/her? I didn't, but I did find his website on the Internet. I learned that he is a Christian, he's been practicing for over 12 years, and he has a actual Ph.D. in Psychology as opposed to Physics like some other therapists. (I'm not saying those therapists are bad, but I wanted someone who's actually trained in how the mind works.) Dr. Harley recommends that you ask your counselor what his goal is for your marriage. If it is not to save the marriage and make it better, than find another counselor.<P>Now, that I have told you everything that you probably already knew, I'll tell you things you may not know. I had a friend who was in a similar situation years ago. She said that after the first four sessions, she was ready for a divorce. She was so mad and she hated her husband. She kept going though because she knew that her marriage was important. Today, they have been married for 30 years, and I think it is a good marriage. If it is a good counselor, I think that it will benefit to keep going. Give him another couple of tries to see if you like him or not.<P>Dr. Harley also says that most counselors concentrate on communication instead of needs. I have been lucky that my counselor who never heard of Dr. Harley, does his own survey that is very similar. It outlined where we were most dissatisfied with the marriage. There were areas of money, affection, sex, children, gender roles. Where we are dissatisfied is where he concentrates on. Now, our counselor also promotes a book called "Fighting for Your Marriage". It is a good book on communication--which is a lot of times a big problem. If you can't communicate your needs, how does your spouse know if he/she is meeting them or not. So, I wouldn't dismiss a counselor just for not preaching Harley. The trick is to use them both. Use your counselor to train you and help yo communicate, use Harley to meet each other's needs.<P>Good luck. Hang in there, but if you are still not happy after another couple of visits, I would find a new counselor. I thinkg that my H and I got lucky when I found that PsychSelect for the DFW metroplex on the Internet. Maybe your area has something similiar if you need it.<P>P.S. You are not a "love nut". You should make it clear to your H though that you will not tolerate this type of behavior again. You would very much like to make your marriage enjoyable for the both of you, but you will not be treated like a doormat. If he cannot commit to you and be faithful to you, you will go to Plan B. You love him, but you cannot continue to let him hurt you by extramarital relationships.<p>[This message has been edited by Lapeine (edited July 26, 2000).]
