I'm sinking fast. I think it's over with my H. I don't think I know the man I met 12 years ago. I think the last 12 years of my life was a lie.<P>I don't think he will ever be able to be faithful to me. I think he loves me in some way. Maybe just as the mother of his child. I don't think he thinks of me as his soulmate. I'm not sure he even thinks of me as the person he wants to grow old with. Honestly I don't know what he thinks from me.<P>It's time for me to start a new life for myself. I'm so scared. I know I'll be OK. I don't hate my H. I love him to the very core. But I'll never be able to meet his needs. And he'll never be able to meet mine. I just wanted someone to hold me each night and tell me they loved me. And someone who would love, protect and honor me as I deserve. Someone to be faithful to me forever. I wish my H would have let me go years ago.<P>I'm moving on. I don't know when or how to tell my H. I'm not angry. I don't hate him. I love him. He will always be a part of me. This is my awakening. I need your strength now more than ever.<P>Why did he hold onto me for so long? Why didn't he love me the way I loved him? Why wasn't I good enough? I know my questions will never be answered. That's OK. To forgive is to let go. And I'm letting go.<P>I want a life that's rich with love. The same love I gave to my H. I know it's out there. I made my own mistakes in this marriage and relationship. But I've learned from them. And I never gave up on my H. I was lucky to have ever felt these things towards another human being. Even if the feelings weren't returned. I feel as though my life is gone...it is to some degree. I realize though that it's only beginning. Maybe someday after all the pain goes away my H and I will be able to be friends. Maybe friends were all we were meant to be. We have our beautiful daughter. I know he'll always be true to her. And that's all I care about.<P>I hope my H finds someone he can let in. Someone he can trust to see who he is. Someone to make his dreams come true. Someone he can love the way I have loved him. It's a wonderful feeling. I feel sorry that he hasn't been able to experience that.<P>It's going to be a long road to recovery. Please pray for me. I need you all now. LSM<BR><p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited July 26, 2000).]

Ok...I am not sure of what your story is but did something happen that made you decide you want to give up? Are you and your husband in counseling? I have written and thought everything that you just wrote. I feel like giving up most of the time too because I just feel that if you love someone you wouldn't take them through the hurt that we are feeling. I hope that you are just having a down day and that you will find a reason to fight for your marriage. I want to give you some words of encouragement, but if you search this board you will see that I have felt the same things you are. <BR>Please write back? what has made you decide to give up? I have been married 12 years too and somedays I'm fighting like hell to keep it all together and then sometimes I just wonder if it's because I think I can never be happy again if my husband isn't a part of my life.....we are all struggling but don't quit until you're 100 percent sure it isn't worth fighting for...my prayers are with you.

lost soul mate, where are you? are you ok?

Confused33: I'm OK. I can't believe my heart is still beating.<P>I can't go into what's happened. I'm so embarassed and ashamed. I shouldn't be in this marriage. My heart won't let me go. I'm not setting a good example for my D. I wouldn't want her to accept the hurt that I have and I don't know how to get out. I'm so scared for my life. I would never take my own but how can any person survive this kind of torment? Thank you for thinking of me. I need your help. I need your prayers. For my D's sake. HELP ME<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate

lostsoulmate - Take deep breaths. Let's think about YOU. You are your daughter's mother. She loves you and needs you. I remember your story and I'm so sorry for your pain but you CAN get through this! You can hold your head high - you didn't create this situation - your H made a very stupid decision which now has to be dealt with.<BR>You can be strong for you and for your daughter. If you need to step away from this situation for awhile, do so! Do you have any relatives or friends you and your d can stay with for awhile? Maybe take a mini-vacation somewhere? Are you in counceling?<P>We are all here for you lostsoulmate. You are not alone and you are in my prayers.

LSM...<BR>You WILL be ok, regardless of what happens with your marriage. You can do this, OK?<BR>I am thinking of you and praying...<P>Kathi

LSM, I'm right there with you!<P>I loved my W unconditionally, so much so that I lost myself in her. I neglected many of my own needs in order to fulfill hers.<P>She hid her true feelings from me for a long time, so when I found out about her affair/divorce plans, I was crushed. I'm still dealing with the pain. Today is our last day living together. I'll be filling out the divorce papers tonight.<P>What I have come to realize (and you will, too), is that I am a whole person without her. I thought that I could not live without her, but I've realized that I have the strength to do just that. The pain will take a long time to subside, but it will eventually.<P>I've also come to realize that the affair is not my fault. Your situation is a little like mine. You provided a great deal of love for your H, maybe more than he deserved. To be able to give of oneself unconditionally is a strength, not a weakness. The fact that he couldn't return the love is his problem, not yours.<P>In time, he may come to realize just how much he has lost. He had quite a treasure in you, but he threw you away. That doesn't change the fact that you're a great person, it just proves he's a fool.<P>You asked "Why wasn't I good enough?"<P>Wrong question! You should ask yourself "Why can't this guy see what a fantastic person I am?"

Thank you cjack for your encouragement. I'm so sorry you are divorcing. But nothing is final. I don't know where life it taking me, but whereever it does I'm going to live it to the fullest. I hope you do so too.<P>When your wife sees you again as your own person and the person she fell in love with she'll be begging you to take her back. And if she doesn't then this happened for a reason. And that reason would be that there is someone waiting to give you all that you gave your wife. I still have hope. Every time I think there is none my H grabs a hold of my heart and pulls me back in. A quote from my sister "some day either way this will all be just a memory". I hope my H chooses to come back to me (emotionally) and we can start again. I hope your wife does the same. Good Luck cjack. I'll be thinking of you. LSM<p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited July 28, 2000).]

lsm, I hadn't been here in a few days but I prayed that you were ok. When I read your post it was as if you were speaking for me. Things will work out for the best whatever that may be. This is a rough patch in our lives but we all have to get through it. I am just so glad this site is here or I would truly think I was alone in this world trying to deal with this mess. Keep the faith

Lost,<P>Its very hard now, when you are going thru this, but you will realize that you made the right decision and you and your D will have a better life. You are right both you and D do not deserve what your H is putting you thru, but you need to be strong for you and D. She needs a positive role model<BR>Good luck - i've read your posts and i know you are capable of it - you just hit an emotional bump in the road<P>Maturing