I am so confused, OW gave H ultimatum to leave again (will be 3rd time)- real soon. <P>We had a heart to heart talk over this past weekend - alot of things came out. (Hasn't made his decision yet.) One was that I was looking great and if he met me somewhere he would try to pick me up. But, right now he doesn't feel attracted to me. I thought it might be his guilt and emotions getting in the way. Am I wrong in thinking this? Or am I thinking too much?<P>Since Monday - he has been acting strange - talking that I'm a good person, etc. Said that he is having a hard time dealing with reality. He said he had no pride and should be punished (which means go to OW - who makes him happy). I told him I understood he had a difficult decision, his response was he has no decision. What does this all mean?<P>Also, when he speaks with me it seems he has a catch in his voice (emotional). Her B'day is Sunday - I am trying to be confident the lights might come on, but am prepared if he leaves. <P>Still Plan "a"ing - but I don't know what to do next. Any suggestions. Does it sound like he will leave to everyone here also?

Dr. Harley says that men seldom leave women. Most of the time it is the woman who leaves. Why this is I don't know. It sounds as if he is waffling. So is my H although I am lucky that he is not in contact with the OW. How long have you been in Plan A. I think a lot of people give it 6 months. Some more, some less. After this time, you would move to Plan B. The problem with Plan B is that you quit Plan Aing and depositing Love Units. So you have to make sure that his love bank for you is pretty high, so that he wants to come back. <P>That's what I'm working on now. I want very badly for my H to fall back in love with me. I am depositing as many love units as possible, so that if he ever decides to leave, he will miss me so much that he might come back. The trick is that depositing love units is a life long process. I am going to dedicate the rest of my married life to depositing love units in my H's account. This is a committment that I have made to myself. I can make it to my H, but he won't believe me, so I just do it for myself now.<P>The decision to move to Plan B is yours to make. There are pros and cons to plan B, but I think the cons outweigh the pros. I mean, you have to be really sure that your H is going to miss you a whole lot in order to risk Plan B with the hope of success.<P>But you know what. Obviously the OW hasn't read the guide book like my H's OW has or she would know that any ultimatums are LBs. If you wait long enough, she'll LB your H right out of her arms and right back into yours. You create a nice safe place for him to come home to and I bet you can win on this one.<P>Good luck. I'll say a prayer for you.<p>[This message has been edited by Lapeine (edited August 02, 2000).]

Lapeine,<P>Thank you for your words of encouragement.<P>OW is a co-worker of H. They have been having an A for 1 year. She has been married three times and 7 years older than H.<P>H left in February and returned 7 weeks later. Constant calls from him during this time. Slept in other bedroom - left again beginning in May. Returned 1 week later - finally told me about OW. Said he was "in-love", "never felt this way before", etc.<BR>But he still says he loves me and probably always will. <P>OW told him that if he loved her he would get a divorce (H filed but put it on hold).<BR>Said OW told him that he could never see or talk to me again - he has a hard time with this. Said that is the only reason he is with me. Left again, only to return end of May.<P>I found MB mid-May and have plan "A"ing since then. Now we have the OW ultimatum - which I still don't know when his deadline is. But he is still home, but doesn't always say encouraging things to make me believe he will stay.<P>When he came home last time I finally convinced him to see a therapist - only went three times. Therapist informed me that H knew OW was not perfect and that she was giving him a hard time.<P>H says that I am changing, but he hasn't. Is this a mid life crisis (he is in his early forties)? <P>Right now, I feel so depressed not knowing what to expect. I don't think he knows what he wants, but OW is telling him as before that she can get "it" anywhere. Are these pressure tactics to make him come around? If so, why is H taking it? If it was me he would be gone in a heartbeat.<P>

.<p>[This message has been edited by BamaAngst (edited August 24, 2000).]

Don't know that I have great advise and that my H never left. He talked about it on occasion, but never to any degree that concerned me.<P>One thing I did was send him a note explaing how I could understand what a painful thing it was to have to pull away from something (the affair) and someone who obviously made him feel good. That this person had made him consider leaving his children. All of that would have meant his parent would have turned on him & he would have lost his job. I explained that anything that was so powerful it could force him to give up all that must be hard to turn from. So that I would be there for him & understand how terrible his decisions & choices where. That I regretted him having to be in that position.<P>He called me thanking me for that. Who knows. Whatever gets your H to look at thinks from a more subjective pint of view woudl be worth a try. Right now it is too personal. Hopefully he can step back from all this & think clearly. Woudl be great if he would quit the job & distance himself. <P>Good luck.