I know this board is for married couples but I have found relief by better understanding how infedelity happens. I have been dating a wonderful woman for last 3 years, she is 23, a college graduate working out in real world for past 1.5 years. I am 34 professional who is still crazy about her. My precious love decided to have an affair with a married man at her work place about six months ago and it ended this July. She now works for a different company. The recovery for me was tremendously slow and agonizing. All my friends are telling me to dump her and go on with my life. I still love her more than anything. My wounds are still fresh and we were making descent progress until last night. I asked for some detail as to how often, where, what they did and my heart just broke into pieces. I probably should have not asked her any details but it was driving me crazy to guess what they did. I am not sure what I got out of it other than made my wound deeper and empty out the love bank. She tells me that the affair was a total mistake and should have never happened and she apologized to me over and over again. But for some reason it is not enough. Now I feel like I am back to square one on my progress in making this relationship work. I am so confused and tired of not sleeping... Help.... Just tell me this horrible event will not be infused into me forever. Should I cut my loses and move on????????

Welcome <B>Devastation</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You're not married yet...<BR>...and your question is..."Should I cut my loses and move on????????"<P>The first question you want to ask yourself...<BR>..."do you really have loses?"<P>If you feel that you (not necessarily your GF) but you can't build that trust again...<BR>...make the decision...<BR>...and yes move on.<P>If this relationhip is not headng toward a marriage...<BR>...right now...<BR>...but may in the future...<BR>...learn all you can here...<BR>...gte your GF involved in the learning process<BR>...get some "pre-marital" counseling<BR>...even though you are 34... don't assume you are mature enough.... not that this relationship hasn't run it's course!<P>Find out about yourself...<P>Continue with a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... to see if this is what you and your GF really want.<P>Stay here and learn...<BR>Especially about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<P>Your GF seems to want to apply... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...<P>Are you there to accept it?...<P>This is a good time for self evaluation!<P>Prayers for thoughtful contemplation...<P> <P>Jim

.<p>[This message has been edited by BamaAngst (edited August 24, 2000).]

I have learned a lot about myself the last few months and one of the biggest things is I am a very direct and detailed person. When I found out about my H affair 2 months ago I needed to know the details so I could heal, so I wasn't always questioning. Through knowing the details of what went on I was able to let go and really focus on making my marriage work. <P>In your case of not being marriaged.......ask yourself if you are REALLY willing to make this work and find out the REAL reason she had the affair in the first place. You may have to know details in order to change yourself so you don't make the same mistake again. Then both of you can really make a decision if you are willing to make a marriage out of a relationship.<P>Blessings to you!!!

Thanks NSR and Inhisight for your response. Things are going good again. I am still having problems with graphic details of their events but it gets easier each day. As of Monday I have decided to totally focus on being positive about meeting her needs. Her two most important needs are conversation and affection. So I bared down and had a very good conversation with her. I held her that evening stroking her hair, rubbing her arms and giving her little kisses and at the end of the evening I gave her a full body massage. And for once in our relationship I actually wanted to do all these things for her even though I was resenting her in the begining of the evening. Sometimes I feel like I am bending backward to please her when all this was cause of her actions. Then I have to come to reality that I wasn't meeting her needs last September. She cried for help, gave me little clues but I didn't listen. I am partly to blame but I still can't understand why the SEX part had to happen between her and the married guy. My futal thought is that she was meeting his needs which really hurts me. <P>Last night we had a good conversation. One interesting thing she mentioned at her new job was this person she was talking to on the phone from the corporate office. She went on to say that she thought he was asking specific questions about her status. She went on to say I am too young to be married. She also found out that he was approximately her age and single. I let her know how I felt and her response was that it was OK to flirt in that she would never meet him in person. My issue is why didn't she tell him that she is seeing someone and let it be end of that. Is her self esteem that low that she needs that constant attention in which I could never satisfy or am I the one that is out of line to think like that? I am still so hurt by what she did and some of her actions don't speak reconcilliation. One other question I have been wanting to ask her was if she had been in touch with her lover in anyway of shape or form. Is that too much to ask? Also Am I asking too much if she could burn the love notes he had been giving her where she used to work? Would love your input....<P>Be waiting...

Devastation -- I really don't have a whole lot I want to add to this thread, however I would like to direct you to another thread which discusses questions and answers concerning details of the affair.<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000966.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000966.html</A> <P>I hope these threads help you in some way.<P>God Bless

Dear Devastation,<BR>Well...for one thing...just heard recently on a secular news cast that a study just out saying that living together/premarital sex , the percentages of divorce later are much higher than starting right off the bat with a committed marriage, food for thought. Our pastor told us that it is "highly" likely to have repeat behavior the 2nd time "if" protections are not in place. Flirting is dangerous, what is she does meet this guy? then what? Set boundries, then stop having sex until you get married, it was designed to work better that way. Not judging, I did it too , prior to marriage, its not right, but we all make mistakes.