Recently my wife went away with another girlfriend for the weekend. I had initiated contact via e-mail with a man on the Internet who was selling an old house my wife and I were interested in. After a couple of weeks my wife began exchanging e-mails with this man. He is married also (as far as I know). My wife wanted to look at the house but we have three children at home and both of us could not go. One of her friends volunteered to go which made me feel somewhat comfortable with the situation. After she left, I found e-mails that she wrote to this man that were beyond flirtations. I was devastated. I tried calling her but was unable to reach her. It turned out her friend stayed at the hotel while she spent the day with this man. She finally called me back at 10 PM and I let everything out. She could not refute the evidence and was apologetic. However, she did not rush home either. She stayed the next day and then came home. I took one of the e-mails they exchanged and sent it to this man. I told him that if I ever found out he contacted her again, I would pay him a visit and supply copies of the e-mails to his wife (if she exists). He has not e-mailed since but I am not convinced he won't try to contact her at work. I bought roses and a card for her to try and show I wanted to put it behind us. She has been miserable since she came back and when I tried to address what happened in a constructive way, she got very upset and said it was my fault for not meeting her needs and that she did not want to rehash everything again. I don't know what to do. In my heart I know I must accept some of the blame. Perhaps I was not as attentive as I should have been. I admitted as much to her and told her I would try to be better. I also said that I thought she wasn't affectionate with me and made me feel like a stranger. She just said that she wasn't a very affectionate person (like her dad). I don't feel that she'll even try to change in that area. I feel my whole life slipping away in front of me and I'm powerless to stop it. I am under enormous stress at work and the added burden of my marriage falling apart is killing me. I am not perfect nor do I pretend to be but I am willing to save this marriage. I just don't know for sure if my wife feels the same and she won't articulate her feelings. I don't know if she really feels any remorse for what happened. Helpppp

.<p>[This message has been edited by BamaAngst (edited August 24, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Gill:<BR><B>Recently my wife went away with another girlfriend for the weekend. I had initiated contact via e-mail with a man on the Internet who was selling an old house my wife and I were interested in. After a couple of weeks my wife began exchanging e-mails with this man. He is married also (as far as I know). My wife wanted to look at the house but we have three children at home and both of us could not go. One of her friends volunteered to go which made me feel somewhat comfortable with the situation. After she left, I found e-mails that she wrote to this man that were beyond flirtations. I was devastated. I tried calling her but was unable to reach her. It turned out her friend stayed at the hotel while she spent the day with this man. She finally called me back at 10 PM and I let everything out. She could not refute the evidence and was apologetic. However, she did not rush home either. She stayed the next day and then came home. I took one of the e-mails they exchanged and sent it to this man. I told him that if I ever found out he contacted her again, I would pay him a visit and supply copies of the e-mails to his wife (if she exists). He has not e-mailed since but I am not convinced he won't try to contact her at work. I bought roses and a card for her to try and show I wanted to put it behind us. She has been miserable since she came back and when I tried to address what happened in a constructive way, she got very upset and said it was my fault for not meeting her needs and that she did not want to rehash everything again. I don't know what to do. In my heart I know I must accept some of the blame. Perhaps I was not as attentive as I should have been. I admitted as much to her and told her I would try to be better. I also said that I thought she wasn't affectionate with me and made me feel like a stranger. She just said that she wasn't a very affectionate person (like her dad). I don't feel that she'll even try to change in that area. I feel my whole life slipping away in front of me and I'm powerless to stop it. I am under enormous stress at work and the added burden of my marriage falling apart is killing me. I am not perfect nor do I pretend to be but I am willing to save this marriage. I just don't know for sure if my wife feels the same and she won't articulate her feelings. I don't know if she really feels any remorse for what happened. Helpppp</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We finally had a bit of a dialogue today but it was not fruitful. My wife works but wants to work more. We have a comfortable life in terms of money but she feels that because I want a personal life instead of always working 16 hour days that I lack initiative. She wants to work more hours which I attribute more to her wanting to be absent than making more money. She does not want me to have a retaliatory affair but again, I get no feeling that she will work at improving the marriage. All of that burden will fall on my shoulders. So now, My wife spent at least one day of her weekend with this guy, made a fool out of me, and somehow is trying to put the burden of "making things work" on me. In addition she is trying her damndest (on purpose I don't know)to minimize opportunites for us to spend quality time together. If I just pack my bags, then it'll look like I'm abandoning my children. I love them all so much, it would kill me to leave. I just don't know how much longer I can keep my temper in check. <BR>

I am sorry for the troubles you are having. Have you read all the infidelity articles on the homepage of this site? There is a lot of good information.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>I am sorry for the troubles you are having. Have you read all the infidelity articles on the homepage of this site? There is a lot of good information.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes there is. I have read some of it. I just don't know how much it'll help me in this situation. Staying for my children's sake would be the easiest route to take but I don't know how much longer I could put up with the situation as it exists. I am really trying to make up ground but I am wondering if this effort is merely an exercise in futility. I get no feedback from my actions. I sent flowers to her at work via the Internet today. For some reason, my name got left off but the message was there. She thought I was trying to trick her into thinking it was from the other guy. It's ridiculous. Even when you try to do the right thing, it's misconstrued. <P>

Gill<BR>You need to take a deep breath. It is hard to relax or be calm when things are so out of sorts. I know. i just found out about my H's EA/PA and all he can do is mope and tell me he cannot do without her. We also have not even started to get to the root cause of where things went wrong. Hang in there. If you stay poitive and calm and clearly try to tell her you want to renew your life, she may come around. <P>I hope you have read the Plan A and B. I am on Plan A and probably will be for some time. I continue to try even though my H has not given her up yet. But he is making a start, wwe are going to therapy but I have to be the nuturing one, even though I was the one hurt. It sucks, but there it is. I love my H and I will not be so easy to get rid of even though he is addicted to his lover. He will have to serve me papers before I close my door to him. Good Luck!

Welcome <B>Gill</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You have a lot to go through yet...<BR>Please look into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and start on it in earnest.<P>Get direction from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... it's out "bible"...<P>Stay here and post, read, and reply as much as possible.<P>Prayers...<P> <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by burnedspouse:<BR><B>Gill<BR>You need to take a deep breath. It is hard to relax or be calm when things are so out of sorts. I know. i just found out about my H's EA/PA and all he can do is mope and tell me he cannot do without her. We also have not even started to get to the root cause of where things went wrong. Hang in there. If you stay poitive and calm and clearly try to tell her you want to renew your life, she may come around. <P>I hope you have read the Plan A and B. I am on Plan A and probably will be for some time. I continue to try even though my H has not given her up yet. But he is making a start, wwe are going to therapy but I have to be the nuturing one, even though I was the one hurt. It sucks, but there it is. I love my H and I will not be so easy to get rid of even though he is addicted to his lover. He will have to serve me papers before I close my door to him. Good Luck!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Thanks for the feedback. I once again opened a dialogue last night with mixed results. I have been trying to negotiate without anger in the hope that we can move forward. It's difficult as I have questions about the whole episode. Obviously asking them re-opens the wound so I have not done so. However, leaving things to one's imagination is damaging too. It would help me immensely if she could just seem to understand how difficult it is for me to bottle my emotions and discuss this situation rationally. Last night I once again reiterated my desire to make things better by being more cognizant of her needs. I also asked that she recognize my need for affection too. She continues to stand by her contention that she's just not an affectionate person. I just responded that her decision in meeting my needs was her own and that I would try very hard to improve my attentiveness. She now says she wants things to be the way they were. I realize now that she fears that she's awakened a "new me". One that may ask her to "give" more and she probably regrets it. I will continue to try negotiation rather than demands as a means of making progress. <P>