I am a 43 year old man who's been married for 14 years. Several months ago I discovered that my<BR>wife had been corresponding with another man, the letters were sexually graphic. She told me they<BR>hadn't had sex, that it was all talk and she never intended to progress to a physical relationship with<BR>him. We had a rough time, but we stayed together and she said she had stopped all contact with<BR>him. Recently I found out that wasn't true, she had remained in contact and he was planning to come<BR>see her, he lives out of state. I confronted her, she said it wasn't physical, they'd stopped the sexual<BR>conversations, it was just a friendship but she would end it this time. Over my objections she said <BR>she would do it in person. She ended up sleeping with him. She says it was the first and only time <BR>they had sex, she says she's never done this before, it was one, bad mistake and she's sorry. I don't <BR>know what to believe. She lied to me for several months about this, I worry that I'd be foolish to <BR>believe what she says now. I have serious doubts about all she has said from the beginning and feel <BR>it's likely they've been having an affair all along. I don't know what to do. I'd appreciate your opinion <BR>and advice.<BR> <BR>

Welcome <B>dontxz16</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Your W's dishonesty is very common...<P>To get her on board to a serious path toward recovery if she truly recognizes what she did was "(a) bad mistake and she's sorry"...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<BR>If she refuses to start counseling with you...<BR>...it will give you a better idea of how serious she is about reconciliation.<P>In the mean time learn all you can about... and start on... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>You'll find much of the best information in the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>! Get it! Read it!<P>And most of all...<BR>...come back here for as much support as you need!<P> <P>Jim

Welcome dontxz16,<BR> So sorry you have the need to visit this site but since you feel the need is there, I'm glad you found it. <BR> <BR>What is the current situation with your W. Does she say the affair is over or has she offered any concrete proof that she has ended it? Is she interested in saving your marriage? What are your feelings about your marriage at this point?<P>Depending upon your answers, you need to really arm yourself with all the information available. Read, read, read,,all about affairs and relationships. My favorite book is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It will let you know that all your thoughts, hurt and anger are normal. You are not going crazy. I know I seriously doubted my sanity for a long time (it's still questionable ) It also gives you alot of input as to the feelings your W is experiencing, dealing with her guilt and waffling emotions. <P>Read all sections of this forum. There's alot of very important information. And please, continue to post, on this forum and in General Questions (you'll get alot more responses there). Above all, stay strong. This is not the end of the world, although it sure seems like it at the time. You'll meet alot of very nice, helpful, knowledgable people here. Good luck to you.

First of all find a good counselor in your area....make sure you get one who is trained is marriage and family therapy. I personally prefer a Christian therapist...not necessarily your pastor, though, since many of them are not trained for this kind of therapy.<P>Second, get the books After the Affair by Janis Spring and Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Both have excellent information for you on the process you are now involved in. Torn Asunder is my personal favorite and it is written for both spouses to read.<P>Third, if you have a relationship with God, immerse yourself in it...totally. If not, I encourage you to consider seeking him out. I know that God is the one who orchestrated the revelation and end of my husband's affair and then carried me through the first several months afterward. He didn't wave His hand and make everything okay....but He walked with us through the valley and kept us from further harm. He consistently sent me encouragement and comfort as I read the Psalms every day....I couldn't have heard from Him more clearly had we been sitting face to face.<P>Fourth, take a deep breath and get ready for a journey. I won't lie, it will be a long, sometimes bumpy one....but it is well worth it from my perspective. My husband and I are at the 2 1/2 year mark and doing extremely well. We are deeply in love and truly have a magnificent marriage. There are still scars from the wound....they will never go completely away....but they only serve as reminders of where we never want to go again, the pain has dimished greatly.<P>I'll never be grateful for the sin that came into my life, but I will always be eternally grateful for what God did in and through the crisis and for the marriage I have today.<P>Stand firm....you can weather this storm.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

To answer the question asked by Nerlycrzy; my wife says she wants to stay with me, that she won't see him again. I want to stay with her, never considered otherwise before this; but I do wonder now if I can trust her. She said she she wouldn't see him or speak with him again in when I first found out about this, she lied. <BR>I've been in therapy since the beginning, but it hasn't answered some basic questions I have. Am I kidding myself to believe her now after she's shown she's willing and ready to lie to me about this? Does she really know what she wants, if she was willing to risk our marriage to be with him doesn't that show she has doubts about what she wants? <BR>I tried Plan A after discovering their letters, it obviously didn't work. I have doubts about Plan B, stopping all communication only makes sense to me if I've decided to end the relationship. It seems to me like it's avoiding the situation, letting someone else, the WS, decide what happen. Maybe that's the way it is, the WS must decide what they want. But it comes back to honesty, not being sure if they're telling you the truth makes it impossible to know if the situation has changed. <BR>Does it make sense to stay with a person who has shown they are willing to hurt you deeply?

dontxz16,<P>How long did you do your Plan A?...<BR>Was it really a strong one...<BR>...ZERO love busters?...<BR>...meeting the needs of your W?...<P>Check out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P>Jim

I tried Plan A for 5 months, from the time I decide to stay after learning about her letters with him until I learned she was still in contact with him. I think I did very well, left no doubt that I loved her and did all I could to please her. Kept the LB to a minimum, mainly just voicing my worries about her not repeating that behavior. I thought things had really improved between us, that we were past that problem. It was a nasty shock to find out she was still involved with him. <BR> I couldn't believe she could lie to me all those months, that she'd treat me that way. It made me wonder what kind of person she is, what kind of person does that to someone they claim to love, someone they've been with for so many years?

.<p>[This message has been edited by BamaAngst (edited August 24, 2000).]

dontxz16,<P>If you think you have exhausted yourself...<BR>...check out my reply in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000329.html" TARGET=_blank>Just moved to Plan B - How do you do it and what is a Plan B letter?</A> in the "Plan A/B" forum.<P> <P>Jim

dontxz16,<P>Having asked my H about his possible involvement with the OW and he telling me she was "just a friend", I also made the mistake of blindly believing him. When I discovered, a long time later, that it WAS an affair and had continued, and he wanted us and our marriage, I INSISTED he contact her and tell her it was over,,in no uncertain terms. <P>Dr Harley suggests a "no contact" letter, where the spouse lets the OP know the affair is over, there is to be NO further contact and about the spouses desire to rebuild the marriage. I hope you have read about this in his book. If not, do so, or post a request for help about this letter. My H didn't do this and to this day, I wish he had. Not knowing about this site or MB's at the time of discovery, I had my H call her and tell her it was over. I only wish I had discussed with him prior to making the phone call what I needed to hear him say to her. It would have made recovery much easier but he merely ended it in 10 seconds or less. Could have been handled much better but it was better than nothing.<P>I wonder if you need closure,,to hear her tell him IT'S OVER. Would that help?

Thank you for your suggestions. Bama, your suggestion echo's my feelings when I discovered she was still involved with him. I decided I wasn't going to shower her with gifts and affection any longer. I have tried to be loving towards her, but not to the point where it appears I'm rewarding her behavior, which is how it seemed to me after the first time. <BR>Jim, I read the response you mentioned. I think I understand Plan B; it seems to me the objective is to accept the fact the WS isn't going to change their behavior and to move on while still leaving the door open. I intended to do that when I found out she was still involved with him, but didn't or couldn't. I think I needed her to get through those first weeks, I felt pretty bad. I felt she was the only one who could help me make sense of the whole thing, I felt confused and lost and wanted to understand why this was happening. I still don't know why, she says she doesn't know why she did it, but I think that's why I continued to talk with her.<BR>Nerlycrzy, yes, I think it would help a great deal to know for sure she told him in no uncertain terms that it was over. She says she has, but that's where I have doubts. She said it was over after I found out the first time, so now I'm having a hard time believing her. I don't see a way to rid myself of those doubts. Even if we were to call him together so I could hear her tell him it's over, I'd still never know for sure, she could call or write him afterwards. It is a matter of trusting her and that is hard to do right now.

TRUST IS THE MOST FRAGILE of all emotions in marriage. Once trust is broken, it is almost impossible to get it back the way it was. It seem that you are a very trusting person. Could it be, like myself, you try to be as 100% reliable and honest as possible? So, you automatically expect that the others, especially the one you love and belong to, will treat you with honour and respect.<P>My father was the most honourable man I know, his wife cheated on him. My wealthy girlfriend had the most devoted and gentle husband, and she wanted to cheat on him and she said she was bored with him after ten years of being together (she started telling me her fantasies and I stopped seeing her because I couldn't take it and I think she may one day use me as an 'alibi').<P>Sigh! Everyone is an individual with their own buttons and if you have tried to the point of feeling like you are rewarding her bad behaviour, you need to move on and live your own life. By that I do not mean divorce, but if you want - keep the marriage unbroken by outlining the acceptable boundaries for a happy life together and talking to her about what you both want to do about your lives. Once you are quite certain that she knows there are boundaries of behaviour you find necessary to keep the marriage and you waiting and devoting yourself to her, she may sit up and think more carefully about what she REALLY WANTS OF HER FUTURE, HER MARRIAGE and HER LIFE.<P>Unfortunately, one must be prepared that the spouse may choose to abandon all for something that they feel is so important at this time in their lives. Some call it missing ENs or it could be mid life crisis. And for sure, many did it out of pure selfishness and lust.<P>You have done very well - more than I can ever put up with. <P>You ask about trusting again. Put your trust in God (I know, see my reply under my column).<P>Be kind to yourself and try to look at life as a teenager would (ever energetic and ever getting up and going despite the uncertainty and awkwardness and insecurity, and live like life's ever changing and ever happening). Be happy because of who you are. Chins up for today, okay!<P>