After 14 years of marriage, I just found out my husband had a affair with my niece...it just ended three day's ago, only because I had this really strong feeling that they were more than just ,;friends;, I pried it out of him and he confessed the whole thing, I am so disgusted,hurt,mad everything!!!!he said he wanted to tell me right away after there first encounter but she talked him out of it, I could tell there was something going on by the way he acted around her, and she him, but also he was just so depressed, I just knew. My husband and I have had a pretty bumpy marriage, but I thought that thing's were going really good, had been for quite awhile and Whammo!!!! what really stinks is thatI was really glad that they got along so well, I did not want to be paranoid over a friendship, He told me that she was really easy to talk to..very understanding and compassionate of all his problems..Blah,Blah,Blah, I'm having a hard enough time getting through this with him, But what do I do about her? I loved her, I thought we were really close, I really valued our relationship, she's only a couple years younger than me...we were good friends, Her mom is my fav.sister..I can't believe SHE betrayed me like this...now I just think she is completely pathetic and disgusting.....My sis, her mom, wants me to put it behind me, be a bigger person, in other words...no big deal...yeah right....Any advice would really help me.<P>

Your Sister has completely unrealistic expectations if she thinks you can just put this behind you! I was completely blindsided by my H's affair and we're into month four of recovery, and still at the beginning of our journey to complete healing - if that will ever be possible for me. <BR>Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ahead. Get counselling. Come here often - read and post - get support. <BR>God Bless.<BR>

Healing from an affair is always a complicated issue....when the affair is with a family member it only adds to the complication.<P>First of all, I encourage you to find a good marriage and family therapist and begin counseling asap! My personal preference is a Christian therapist, but there are many good secular ones as well. The main thing is that the one you choose be trained in marriage and family therapy, that you and your husband are both comfortable with him/her, and that your goals and the therapist's goals are the same. Don't be afraid to interview more than one before beginning therapy...sometimes it takes a little while to find the best match. And if your husband won't go with you, go alone....counseling is essential. I would also suggest the possibility that once your therapy and healing are progressing well, you may need to include your sister and neice for some sessions. Since this is a close relationship, you will need professional help in establishing ground rules for the future. <P>My favorite book on healing from an affair is Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. I also found some very good information in After the Affair by Janis Spring. Both are available at Amazon.com.<P>This is not a situation that can be healed overnight....it is going to take time and effort by you and your husband. And as harsh as this may sound....your relationship with your sister and neice needs to be a very low priority right now. Your marriage is the top priority and you need to get it on the right track before dealing with them. Your sister may not be able to be as objective as she should be regarding this situation.....asking you to "put it behind you" indicates she has no clue of the seriousness of your wounds. <P>You and your husband can overcome this and build a wonderful marriage. It is going to take time and a strong commitment from both of you to the work that is necessary, though. For right now.....find a good counselor, limit your contact with your sister, cling to your husband and focus on healing with him. Take it one day at a time.....eat small meals (your appetite will return in a week or so).....rest when you can.....and know that most of the emotional and mental upset you are experiencing is very normal.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>