I caught my partner in bed with her lover the other morning and she is still denying it. She says he was sleeping in the other room but he must have snuck in and taken his clothes off while she was asleep. They were asleep at the time although both naked.<P>I think I've just worked out that this means that I am at the very start of Plan A? Is that right?<P>I have committed myself to not speaking to her or even reading any of her emails, phone messages or even a letter as I know they are just further denials (I had my best friend read them). I have deleted or burned all of them without looking. How does this jeapordise my Plan A?<P>What do I do now because she still won't admit that it is happening? I can't imagine being nice to her (Plan A?) while she still denies it and most of me doesn't want to! Should I just forget her?<p>[This message has been edited by mantra (edited August 24, 2000).]

I am so sorry you are going through this.<P>First, Plan A is mostly about you...examining your own behavior, changing anything that needs changing, improving your own marriage skills. With that said, refusing to speak to her doesn't sound like good marriage skills... though I think we can all sympathize with the feeling.<P>You are still in shock and need some time to absorb this and decide if you want to try to save the relationship. If so, then Plan A is probably your best chance.<P>If you haven't already, look for NSR's "General Welcome" post with lots of good info links to read up on. <P>My favorite is the Plan A 101 post...click below...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>Good luck.<P>

Thanks kam6318.<P>I tried for 2 months what I think was a personal version of Plan A but it failed. I admittedly did put some demands on her like you can't see him anymore etc etc but when she would counter with they were only friends it was difficult to have the same conversation over and over again. I was weak and didn't let her know what I thought was acceptable and what was not. I thought it was pretty obvious. Now I know that I have although it has only been 3 days since I caught them and severed all contact with her.<P>So what I am wondering now is whether I should contact her with a brief message along the lines of "Please stop abusing me. Until you can admit to me the destructive nature of your behaviour, accept responsibility for its damagaing effects and close off all contact with him I do not want to communicate with you." I know this isn't a full Plan B letter as it doesn't offer anything positive. Yes I am in shock but I feel that if I endure any further abuse I will be permanently damaged. I am also realistic enough to know that I have a very slim chance of recovering this if I take this approach but what do I have to lose?<P>One other question. How are you supposed to know that the affair is ended if you don't have any contact during Plan B?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by mantra (edited August 24, 2000).]