Our marriage was becoming stale for some months earlier this year. We talked about counselling, but concluded we <BR>would work at it ourselves. She had a new guy friend that was around alot, and he was married. She also started <BR>doing alot of activities outside the house at night. I should have clued in but didn't because I trusted her. In <BR>June, she suddenly said she wanted to separate, and said there was no hope, and that help wouldn't be of use. From <BR>that day till now she considers us separated, even though we are living in the same house, and have 2 kids, and have <BR>continued to sleep in the same bed, till the past few days (I suggested she not do so). Throughout the past 3 <BR>months, she was affectionate sometimes, and would talk about "if we work out" every so often. But her moods changed <BR>alot. She would nevertheless be "out with friends" till 2, 3, 4, 5 in the morning. She had one particular guy friend <BR>(single) that I discovered was always around her. She used to tell me he made her laugh and was lots of fun. I <BR>also discovered that they are alone alot at his place in the wee hours of the morning. When I confronted her about <BR>her obvious relationship, she denied it, and even denied that they are together like this, until I gave her enough <BR>proof, and she then admitted the time together, but said she finds it difficult at home and sleeps in his spare room <BR>till 3, then comes home. She lies about spending money, where she is, who she is with, etc. When confronted with <BR>this, she said she lies about all this because she knew if I found out I'd then suspect something. In her mind, she <BR>doesn't owe me any explanation about what she does, because we are "separated", although we have no legal agreement <BR>and are in the same house. Recently, she bought a house that doesn't close for 2 months. Immediately after, she <BR>became very strange and radical. She told me later she was having second thoughts about leaving. That seems to be <BR>a cyclical thing....sometimes not sure, other times she is. Over the past 3 months, she slmost never cleans, cooks, does laundry, and is usually not at home from dinner on, thus doesn't see the kids alot except for when she isn't working during the day. It baffles me that she can ignore the kids like this, but yet her pattern seems to be a documented thing, thanks to this site.<P>This site has helped me alot to know that I'm not alone. But I do have some questions that I'd love help with.<P>1. Do I fit into the category of someone that has a spouse that is having an affair? She would argue that we are <BR>separated and therefore what she does doesn't matter. But given she periodically talks about us working out, I feel <BR>that she follows the patterns described on this site, even before she announced our virtual separation.<P>2. The couple of close friends that know what she is up to think that it is crazy to still want to have her back. <BR>But I'm committed to getting through this with our marriage intact. Perhaps I'm naive, but I love her and even just <BR>reading this site has helped me reduce my bitterness for what she is doing. Instinct is to tell her to leave <BR>immediately, because it is so hard to look at her the same now, but want to give her something to think about when she considers really leaving. Am I crazy for thinking this way?<P>3. Does it seem too late for us given that it has been months that this breakdown has been happening? She refuses to get help with me, says she need to sort herself out first. I would guess that means to continue the relationship she is in and figure out what she wants for her future.<P>4. She still denies any relationship other than friends. Should I reiterate that I know what is going on, or just leave it and do Plan A as best as I can?<P>5. Should I ask her to find a room somewhere to sleep at, and come home during the day to be with the kids. This has been discussed. Or is it better to keep her here and try to be my best and overlook her activities.<P>6. She envisions us as good friends after she leaves, but I've told her I can't promise this because it is very difficult. Does that seem like the wrong thing to say. I wanted to emphasize that she needs to make an all or nothing choice.<P>I really appreciate ANY help or advice. Sorry this is so long. This whole thing makes me sick inside, and consumes alot of my thinking. It is hard to continue to be caring towards her, but I want to do whatever I can to get through this.<BR>

Hi Rick37,<P>I hate to be blunt about this because I know first hand how painfull it really is. But to answer your first question, yes it does sound like your wife is having a physical affair. Without proof you don't know for sure but if it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, it's probably a rat.<P>2. Your not crazy in wanting to save the marriage in spite of an affair and all the crazy behaivoir that goes along with it. I have done it and so have many others here, even when the spouse was completely nuts. Prepare yourself, it's not an easy road to travel. How easily you as a person can forgive and forget (well not really forget) will determine how things turn out after she comes out of her fog.<P>3. It's never too late!<P>4. Don't really feel comfortable answering this one. I myself confronted her (when I had undeniable proof) but I did Plan A in full force.<P>5. IMHO, I would have her stay at home so you can at least have some time together to show her your good side during Plan A. Also, by moving somewhere else, she might have more time and freedom with this other person.<P>6. If you mean that when she leaves, you will be divorced then ... I can empathize with you on this one. I too felt like like saying that. Instead I put the burden back on her shoulders and told her that if she wanted to end the marriage, she would have to pull the trigger. I let her know that I would fight divorce all the way because I knew that what she was going through was temporary and not worth ending the marriage over.<P>Well I hope some of this helps ....

What I am about to type may not be pretty, nice and may not even be helpful. But Im going to tell you what I went through to get where I am now.. My wife started going out with afew girlfriends to the bars to sing and stuff. I placed afew rules down Like A. Dont drink if Im not there. B. SHe come home at a desent hour like 1 or 2 AM.. I thought she needed her space and needed outside entertainment. SOmeone had to watch the kids and a baby sitter for 2 kids 3 + nights a week would be very expensive. Besides I HATE country music and that redneck lifestyle so I had no desire to go. I did go on occasion but usualy was misserable.. Well guess what all this was fine and dandy but she broke the rules. Both drinking without me and also not coming home till morning. Off and on for 3 YEARS! this went on. we had many battles and confrontations about this. I had always thought that she wouldnt cross the line and get into someone elses bed.. Buddy I was SOOOOO Wrong it hurts! Just afew months after her outside activity started she started having affairs and one night stands and drank like a fish to cover the pain of what she was doing and to make it easier.. No matter what I said or did -I was just ruining her fun- I didnt want her to have friends or have a life of her own- When she finaly confessed we were really bad.. I had stopped carring stopped waiting up till 6AM for her. I was like We are 2 people in one house that dont belong. ANd she felt the same. SHe finaly confessed hoping to save our marriage and start over. On D-Day I found out about 5 affairs over that time line. 2 were on going the others were just one night stands. <P>ANyone thats not blinded by there own dilussions could have seen my wife was having affairs. As said before If it seems like a rat and looks like a rat its probably a rat. Or perhaps Your wife hasnt crossed the line yet but as I see it its probably to late for that.. Im going to point something out here... My Wife finaly stratened her act up AFTER I had lost hope. After I had given up and she seen that her safety net was gone. I wasnt going to be there when times got rough, Then and ONLY Then did she start seeing what she had and what she was losing. ONLY Then did she stop and look at what she was doing instead of pointing all the blame on me 'the party pooper' Is this what you should do? No clue here. Thats sadly what it took for us.. Maybe its what it will take for you. But then again maybe not.. I just wish I would have had the strength and courage to Plan B her LONG ago instead of letting things 'fix themselves' Plan B would have MADE her see that I wasnt there to be her safety net anymore. Would it have worked? No idea. Its your dissision just like it was mine, but as my story goes I think Plan B would have quickend things ALOT... Just something to think about.<P>God Bless<P>MM

As a woman, I think your wife may be having an affair. To want to move out and separate are sure signs that she doesn't see the marriage the way you do. But her inconsistent behaviour may be due to the fact the OM may not have made a commitment to her. She is in a mess, alright. She is facing some problems that only she knows. If I hazard a guess, it could be either physical or some EN. Some women need more attention to feel good about themselves; others are just in a mid-life crisis. SHe needs help to sort herself out. Does she have a good friend or relative you can talk to?<P>I hope you can pray that she becomes receptive to you and you will see a counsellor together. (By the way, I answered your most recent question before I read this post).